Matrix Games Forums

ORIGINAL: 105mm Howitzer

Being from Canada, a good and wholesome country, we have absolutely nothing to apologise for. Indeed, we still await apologies from pretty much everybody else for a myriad of reasons;
1- Helping save, not once, but twice UK's bacon in this century, eh? ( that goes for France too)
2- Trying to keep order in the most remotest of places in this world ( Cyprus, Sinai, Congo, Laos, Haiti, Quebec)
3- Being forced to wear silly sky blue berets and driving white-oainted vehicles bearing overlarge UN logos in combat zones
4- Being lied to by above-mentioned UN about the sacred duty to protect innocents in these combat zones
5- Not being recognized in any forum/blog about our STELLAR combat record in this or any past century.
6- Having to defend Americans constantly to others by stating "really, they're not so bad, just a bit enthusiastic"
7- Still not getting credit for it

Therefore, I request that all countries mentioned above ( yes, you too, Australia) contribute 2% of their GNP towards the upkeep of our largely non-existant Armed Forces. All contributions to be send care of P.M. Parliament Hill, Ottawa, Canada.

I personally thank you all...
( all rise for our National Anthem....O Canadaaaa...)[&o][&o]

Being an American I have to give you my thanks for #6. [:D][:D][&o][&o][&o]

ORIGINAL: Greyshaft

Australians would like to apologise for

1. Kylie Minogue
2. Neighbours
3. Kylie Minogue (somehow one apology doesn't seem enough...)
4. Dennis Lillee (famous cricketer from the 1970's) offering a biro and old envelope to the Queen and asking for her autograph. Of course, proper protocol dictates that it should have been a new envelope. This incident happened when the Australian team was introduced to the Queen after winning a match. I recall seeing the event on TV which does date me somewhat
5. Not giving a toss about beig politically correct.
6. Taking up an enormous continent with only 20 million people while 200 million Indonesians to our north are crowded into an area less than a tenth of that.
7. Pretending that we are closely related to England, the USA and/or Asia depending on political expediency.
8. Not taking New Zealand seriously.
10. Not being able to count to ten.

[:D]

I found this.

I got a kick out this thread. Somehow Cannables is an interesting topic to me unless I'm the one being cannalbalized, then I want no part of it.

I heard that a while ago in a skit on the Johnboy and Billy radio show. They replay it every once in a while, always makes me laugh!

ORIGINAL: robpost3

Cannabilism
Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained, "Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!

The second one replied, I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!!!

Aussies also need to apologise for Fosters and Shane Warne - but at least they won't have to apologise for fatty for very long...looks like he might prefer to be German....[:D][:D]

Okay, this post merits two responses, for which see below.

ORIGINAL: robpost3

Cannabilism
Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained, "Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!

The second one replied, I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!!!

First, the shorter response, about the pineapple. Reminds me of the fact that in ancient Athens there was a law on the books -- how often it was enforced, if ever, our sources don't tell us -- that a man who found another man with his wife could punish the guy by sticking a narrow sort of fish (like a mullet) up his rear end and then using a radish as the stopper. There's actually a Greek verb, made up by the comic poet Aristophanes (I believe), that translates as "to radish+fish-up-the-rear" someone.

Second, there's another joke similar to the one you told, which might as well be shared here. First thing I thought of when I saw the initial post. It's best told somewhat obscenely, but I'll clean it up a bit. Also, to save typing, I'll give you the abbreviated version. So...

Three missionaries are caught violating a sacred burial ground on a southwest Pacific island (or in Africa, or anywhere that people wear grasses). They're apprehended and brought before the chief, who says he will mercifully give them a choice: Death or "Hunga-bunga." The first man says that anything's better than death, so he'll choose Hunga-bunga, whatever that is. Whereupon all of the men of the tribe have their way with him throughout the night, in every way that can be imagined. The next day, the second missionary is given the same choice, and not wanting to die, steels himself to endure the hunga-bunga, which he does. On the third day the third missionary, having been tortured by the screams of his comrades for two straight nights, decides he couldn't bear to suffer what they had or to live with the memories, so he announces to the chief his choice: "I will face death." Whereupon the chief pronounces: "Okay, I sentence you to death... by hunga-bunga!"

(In the movie "The Aristocrats," Martin Mull tells a godawful version of this joke in which "hunga-bunga" is replaced by the phrase "The Aristocrats," and the genius eliminated when the chief says "Okay, death it is -- but first, the Aristocrats." I thought Mull's a professional; I'll never understand why that man has a career.)

Gil R.
Now that you have gone and opened up a can of Martin Mull, please be note that you are now resigned to spend enternity stuck in an elevator listening to Mull-music ( I wonder if the Mull-et was his doing?), please perpare yourself for such exquisite torture from title songs and standards such as: I'm Everyone I Ever Loved, Dueling Tubas, ";"(How Could I Not Miss)a Girl Your Size", Ventriloquist Love, Captain Soup, I Haven't the Vegas Idea, The Mother-in-law Song, Trailer Waltz....Sorry you brought this upon yourself, just like Cthulu mythos has that ***** the unspeakble entity (ha! thought I get myself there by actually thinking the name) , if you utter the name strange smoke comes from no-where and in a flash you have summond your doom!
So into the elevator bub, don't bother pressing a floor button, its one-way trip from here; next stop:

not enough

Danes say sorry for Viking raids on Ireland
More than 1,200 years ago hordes of bloodthirsty Viking raiders descended on Ireland, pillaging monasteries and massacring the inhabitants. Yesterday, one of their more mild-mannered descendants stepped ashore to apologise.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/international ... 21,00.html

At least they didn't say, "Hmm, tastes like chicken." 

ORIGINAL: Arkady

not enough

Danes say sorry for Viking raids on Ireland
More than 1,200 years ago hordes of bloodthirsty Viking raiders descended on Ireland, pillaging monasteries and massacring the inhabitants. Yesterday, one of their more mild-mannered descendants stepped ashore to apologise.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/international ... 21,00.html

Sorry we broke your church.

This thread needs to apologise to me.

ORIGINAL: carnifex

This thread needs to apologise to me.

you got it...sorry, now into pot.

ORIGINAL: carnifex

This thread needs to apologise to me.

[:D] X10!

One thing to say to apologies and canabalism.

And they burst into song!





Oh! he's a canabal and he's ok!

Alright! thats it! Thats enough talk about canabalism and apologies!
If it doesn't stop right now! Ill have to do something completely unexpected!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HooUO-PkG0Q&mode=related&search=

With lumberjacks who look like that, makes me kind of wish we had cannibals in Canada. Or at the very least, bring back Indian scalpings again.

Did you know that, in 1970, Monty Python made an original German language version of the Lumberjack Song as part of a German language special for German TV? It was their first foreign performance and led to tours in, among other locations, the USA.

Ah, I think there should be some additional apologies from

1. Britain for
Baked Beans on Toast
Deep-fried Mars Bars
Cooked mutton in peppermint sauce
British-brewed Lager
Benny Hill

2. Australia for
Dame Edna
Paul Hogan
Linda Kozlowski in THAT bathing suit (aarrrgh! buns! buns!)

3. Canada for
all their Conservative PM's, especially the one who killed the CF-105

4. the USA for
Errol Flynn winning WWII on his own
Robin Williams playing Popeye
Schlitz, Miller, and Budweiser

[:D]