Matrix Games Forums

ORIGINAL: elmo3

Why are women like dog turds?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Is there any wonder why we don't have many women gamers here...[8|]

When you need to be admitted to the hospital, don't worry... until you discover that the doctors are giving your name to your aliment.

As a business traveler is checking in at a five-star hotel he tells the gal at the counter: "I'd like the porn in my room disabled."

She responds: "We only have normal porn, you sick bastard."

Cheers,
CC

ORIGINAL: wings7

ORIGINAL: elmo3

Why are women like dog turds?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Is there any wonder why we don't have many women gamers here...[8|]

Well I'm here but you have a good point

There was this sensational blonde who had just gotten into the shower and was all wet and soapy, when the doorbell rings. (Isn't that typical). So she gets out of the shower and is toweling herself off and yells out at the door "Who is it?"

The voice on the other side says "It's the Blind Man."

She thinks to herself "Why, if he's blind, I don't need to get dressed. I can go just the way I am." So she swings the door open in her birthday suit. There, in the doorway, is a man - with his eyes WIDE open - and holding an oblong box.

She says "YOU CAN SEE!"

"Yes I can." he replies. "Now where do you want me to put these BLINDS?"

ORIGINAL: LarryP

I prefer puns. Good ones!

Guy goes to see his dentist. He complains about his false teeth ("plate") hurting him lately. So the dentist has him lay back while he takes a look. After a quick examination, the Dentist pulls away and offers his findings.

"Yes. I can see why this is bothering you. The plate is badly pitted and etched."

"Why?", asks the man.

"Well, what are you eating? What in your diet may be causing such damage to your false plate?", replies the dentist.

The man thinks for a second. "I suppose that it may be the eggs benedict. I have them every morning. I love them. Hey doc-do you think that the lemon juice in the hollandaise may have something to do with it?"

The dentist nods sagely. "We'll have to replace your plate with one made of chrome."

"Chrome? Why chrome?"

"Well", finishes the dentist, "Everybody knows that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

And with that ^ the thread ended.

Do you know where a dog goes when it loses its tail?

A retail store.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Head for the roundhouse, they can't corner you there.

ORIGINAL: Zorch

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I like that, simple and funny. [;)]

ORIGINAL: bobarossa
And with that ^ the thread ended.

Comedy gold, man. Comedy gold. My second favorite all time pun.

If a pun isn't capable of causing immediate gastrointestinal pain and a sigh with "Oh man was that awful!...", then it's not a good pun. Puns should be like burritos that taste good (the set up) but you know-you just KNOW that you're going to pay for it somehow someway as the burrito "progresses" down your gullet (punch line). Anything less is just cheap word alliteration.

Now be nice and tell me how funny it is or I'll tell you my first all time favorite pun. [:D]

People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

"People who like trance music are very persistent. They don't techno for an answer."

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

ORIGINAL: Chickenboy

ORIGINAL: bobarossa
And with that ^ the thread ended.

Comedy gold, man. Comedy gold. My second favorite all time pun.

If a pun isn't capable of causing immediate gastrointestinal pain and a sigh with "Oh man was that awful!...", then it's not a good pun. Puns should be like burritos that taste good (the set up) but you know-you just KNOW that you're going to pay for it somehow someway as the burrito "progresses" down your gullet (punch line). Anything less is just cheap word alliteration.

Now be nice and tell me how funny it is or I'll tell you my first all time favorite pun. [:D]

Laugh. Or I'll tell it again.

SIMPLE TRUTHS


SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats"
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."


SIX RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in an Aston Martin than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

6. Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.

I was walking home late last night and the woman in front of me started walking faster.... so I started walking faster.
Then she started running... so I started running...then she started screaming so I started screaming. I'm not sure what we were running from but I was terrified.


After seeing a car on the news driving the wrong way on the highway a man calls his wife to warn her ' honey please be careful there's a maniac driving the wrong way on the highway'... she responds 'are you kidding there's hundreds of them'.

[:D]

Horse goes into the bar..., Bartender says, "hey, why the long face?"