Matrix Games Forums

I think all of these jokes are stolen. If we were good at writing jokes, we'd be employed by a TV network. Here's another:

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Cheers,
CC

A teacher sees one of his pupils who has been missing in school walk around with a cow.

Teacher: What are you doing, you should have been at School?

Pupil: I have to bring the Cow to the Bull.

Teacher: Cant your father do that?

Pupil: No, thats a Job for the Bull.

Three businessmen are having a business lunch, one from Germany, one from Japan and a Hillybilly from United States (for our non US readers,
"hillybilly" is a term for a not so bright, backwoods types). The German stops talking and puts a finger in his ear and starts talking into his palm. The others look at him, he says he had the latest cell phone technology implanted in his hand, so he could always be in contact with the office. The gentleman from Japan then rolls up his shirt sleeve and starts taking notes on his forearm. The others look, he says in Japan he got an mini-ipad implanted in his forearm so he would always have access to his business records.
The hillbilly is feeling pretty backward about now but he has an idea. He excuses himself from the table to use the rest room. A few minutes later he comes back with toilet paper hanging out his pant leg. The other two notice and one says he has toilet paper stuck on his pants. The Hillybilly, feeling smart starts to drop his pants and reach behind his underwear and says "I must be getting a fax!"

Another one for the group

Back in the day of pirates, wooden ships and iron men, the Queen sent our her bravest Naval Officer, Captain Courage, to rid the seas of pirates. One day sailing along, the look-out cries, "Captain, Capitan! A pirate ship off port!" The Captain strolls up on deck, full of confidence, calls out "Bring me my sword and my red pants" He puts on the red pants and the sword. Soon the ships draw close, the Captain is everywhere in the battle bravely leading his men in victory.

The next day the look-out cries, "Captain, CAPTAIN! 3 pirates ships, one off port, one dead ahead and one off starboard" The Captain strolls out of his cabin, full of confidence in ship and men and cries "Men, load the cannons and bring me my red battle pants". The crew cheers with confidence in their Captain. The cannons roar, the smoke grows thick, the Captain personally slays one Pirate Captain and captures the crew and sinks the other two.

After the battle the Bosun asks the Captain, "Sir why do you always wear red pants in battle?" The Captain says, "If I am wounded, the men will not see the blood and will continue to fight"

The next day, the lookout cries "CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN! We are surrounded by 10 pirate ships!" The Captain, looks around the horizon at the ships, looks at his crew, looks back again at the pirate ships and cries out "Men bring me my BROWN pants!"

Once upon a time in the distant future, Earth has colonized many worlds in many star systems. A distant star system has a war. The United States and the United Kingdom send ships to protect their interests in that star system. Returning to Earth, the US ship is caught in the tug of a black hole and sucked in. The RN ship searches in vain for any survivors. All they find is a monkey wrench that is twisted into a pretzel by the gravitational forces.

The RN ship gives up the search and returns to Earth. They meet with the American ambassador hoping beyond hope something survived. The British captain told the ambassador there was nothing found because he couldn't bring himself to tell the American the only thing left was a star mangled spanner.

[:D][:D]

One of my favorite Cold War jokes:

A Polish farmer is plowing his field and uncovers a lamp. He polishes it and out pops a genie, who promises him three wishes. For the first wish, the farmer says: "I wish the Chinese army would invade Poland." The genie looks at him funny, but grants the wish. The Chinese army invade, and then leaves. The genie reminds him he has two wishes, anything he wants. The farmer says: "I wish the Chinese Army would invade Poland." The genie reminds him he can have ANYTHING, but the farmer says that's want he wants, so the genie grants it, the Chinese Army invade, and then leaves. The genie says: "Ok. You have one more wish. Remember, you can have anything. Fame, fortune, long life, health, beautiful women, anything. Now, what do you want?" The farmer tells him he wants the Chinese Army to invade Poland. The genie explodes. "I don't get it!? Three wishes, and you could have anything you want. Why would you want the Chinese Army to invade Poland three times?"

The farmer says: "Because they would have to go through Russia six times."

[:D][:D][:D]

[font="comic sans ms"]Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada. They park themselves on a bar stool. [/font][/align]




[font="comic sans ms"][/font] [/align][font="comic sans ms"]One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm [/font][font="comic sans ms"]John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."  [/font]
[font="comic sans ms"][/font]
[font="comic sans ms"][/font] [/align][font="comic sans ms"]The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. [/font]
[font="comic sans ms"][/font] [/align][font="comic sans ms"]"Been on holiday yet, lads?"  "Off to England next month," says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.  [/font]
[font="comic sans ms"][/font] 
[font="comic sans ms"]"Ah, England!" says the bartender. “Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture".  [/font]
[font="comic sans ms"][/font] 
[font="comic sans ms"]"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude." [/font]
[font="comic sans ms"][/font] 
[font="comic sans ms"]"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender. [/font]
[font="comic sans ms"][/font] 
[font="comic sans ms"]"It's the only time Jim gets to drive.”[/font]
[font="comic sans ms"]yes stolen and copied. zuluhour[/font][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align]

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical
engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

 yep, stole this to, my wife sends me funnies at work, alleviates the pain. 

As long as we're still going....This one came up on my Joke-A-Day calendar just this week.

A French thief robs the Louvre. An otherwise perfect crime is foiled when the getaway van runs out of fuel. The thief is interrogated. The inspector asks him how, with such exquisite planning, could he overlook this critical detail? His response: "I did not have de Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh."

ORIGINAL: zuluhour

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical
engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

yep, stole this to, my wife sends me funnies at work, alleviates the pain. 

The caveat we added to that one in school was "and electrical engineers build guidance systems"

ORIGINAL: Commander Cody

I think all of these jokes are stolen. If we were good at writing jokes, we'd be employed by a TV network. Here's another:

I resemble that remark and duly take offense. All I can say is if anyone else invented the jokes I tell they would be wise not to claim credit.

ORIGINAL: jamesjohns

Three businessmen are having a business lunch, one from Germany, one from Japan and a Hillybilly from United States (for our non US readers,
"hillybilly" is a term for a not so bright, backwoods types). The German stops talking and puts a finger in his ear and starts talking into his palm. The others look at him, he says he had the latest cell phone technology implanted in his hand, so he could always be in contact with the office. The gentleman from Japan then rolls up his shirt sleeve and starts taking notes on his forearm. The others look, he says in Japan he got an mini-ipad implanted in his forearm so he would always have access to his business records.
The hillbilly is feeling pretty backward about now but he has an idea. He excuses himself from the table to use the rest room. A few minutes later he comes back with toilet paper hanging out his pant leg. The other two notice and one says he has toilet paper stuck on his pants. The Hillybilly, feeling smart starts to drop his pants and reach behind his underwear and says "I must be getting a fax!"

That is just plain awful. I'm pretty sure that's even worse than my wurst joke. Speaking of a deli...

Thank you very, very much. (in response to zuluhour). (I liked the Siamese twin joke very much). You could've asked "so why don't you go to Japan instead?" The answer "The Geishas refuse to do two for one and it's a much longer flight." What does that say about Britain?

You could have added "Do you use a manual or automatic transmission?" John replies "Jim doesn't like to shift gears with his ___, and neither do I."

What do you call the speech Lincoln gave when the first McDonald's opened? The Getacheeseburger Address.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was bad?

They rearranged the furniture.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was bad?

They rearranged the furniture.

A lot of prior service guys (myself included) on the forum, some fun with our previous experiences and the friendly rivalry between branches

An Solider is standing in the snow and cold of a blizzard and says "This stinks"

A Marine is standing in the snow and cold of a blizzard and says "I love how much this stinks"

A Green Beret is standing in the snow and cold of a blizzard and says "I wish this would stink even more"

A Sailor is on a ship in the snow and cold of a blizzard and says "This weather stinks, we may sink"

A Coast Guard guy says "I'll save your stinky a**"

An Airman is sitting in his heated office, drinking coffee & watching tv and says "This weather stinks, it knocked out the cable tv"

_________________________________________________

An Army only variation;

A Grunt is standing in the snow and cold of a blizzard and says "This stinks"

A Green Beret is standing in the snow and cold of a blizzard and says "I wish this would stink even more"

A Tanker is driving in the snow and cold of a blizzard and says "It would stink to be walking"

A Quartermaster is sitting in his heated office, drinking coffee & watching tv and says "This weather stinks, it knocked out the cable tv"