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FDR to Congress, November 21, 1941:

“By order of Congress, the United States of America hereby halts all shipments and trade of oil, metal, and other commodities which may be used forthwith by the empire of Japan in its aggressive campaign against China and other peace-loving nations of east and southeast Asia. We have parked our fleet neatly and in orderly fashion in the major shipyard at Pearl Harbor and have turned off our radar and MAGIC intercepts. Furthermore we have placed them in the "emphasis” peace time paint scheme of alternating red and white hues in circular patterns; in order to reveal our intent never to fire a single shell in anger at the fleet or people of the Empire we have also placed large X's, clearly visible from at least 5,000 feet, over each of the ships' magazines."

"In the unthinkable event that war should break out, we have contacted Admiral Doorman of the Dutch Navy and asked him to assume overall command of all British, American, Dutch, and Australian forces in the Pacific. We have also created evacuation measures for MacArthur's refrigerator via PT boat."

"For further reduction of tension between our sovereign states, we have invited esteemed and pro-American Japanese admiral Yamamoto to the United States via Hawaii for the mitigation of tensions and what will no doubt be a fun and geisha filled evening of whiskey, poker, coprosperity, head-stands, and shogo."

"I thank you all for coming and believe you are with me when I say that the United States and the Empire of Japan have had their setbacks, but with skilled diplomacy we are poised to enter a new era of peace and mutual goodwill. We, and the litte yellow men [and women] can expect a bright, bright, trusting, and bright future once the current crisis is resolved."

22 Nov 41
Secluded Staff Room, Combined Fleet Headquarters, Tokyo, Japan.

“Honorable Yamamoto! They’ve done it! They’ve done it!”

“Calm yourself, Watanabe-san. Who has done what?”

“The Americans, Sir! They have given us ‘the sign’!”.

Yamamoto sighs, with a tone of slight bemusement and exasperation. “What sign?”

“The concentric red and white circles painted on their ships, and they’ve anchored them at Pearl Harbor!”

“That is called a ‘bulls’ eye’, Watanabe-san.”

“There is also a sign that we have only seen before in their baseball stadiums.”

“And what does the sign say?”

“Forgive me sir, my English is rough, but it looks like it says, ‘Hit it Here’. There are banners like that at all the major airdomes on Oahu.”

To this Yamamoto said nothing, deep in thought. Was it a trick? Why would they be so obvious? It only followed that after the complete embargo of needful things to Japan by the United States that the arrogant Accidentals would stick their collective tongues out at the Japanese so.

A prideful man, Yamamoto could not brook a rival closing a door on him and then taunt him with a, “nah nah nah-nah nah, you cannot get me!!” Finally he replied to Watanabe.

“Watanabe, you will get a message to Admiral Nagumo by secure cable. His First Mobile Force is Anchored at Etoforo Jima. The message is, ‘Climb Mount Niitaka’. See to it now please."

"Yes honoroable Yamamoto!!! Banzai! Banzai! Banzai!!!"


Yamamoto thinks to himself, smiling, "We’ll give that nasty white man an overbite that’ll rip the hide end out of an elephant. Now where's the damn Sake'? Oh damn, I forgot we need some oil and bauxite and..."

***Ship Shape*****
Weekly Enlisted Man's Journal of USS Nevada
December 6, 1941
Pearl Harbor, Oahu

Pull your eyes away from the hula girls and the twin coconuts that are no doubt haunting your vision,
men, and feast your eyes on an early Christmas dinner of beguiling prose and clever writing gambits.

Headline: ANGRY JAPS WANT A LICK OF OUR CANDY CANES? COME AND GET SOME!
Recent decisions by top brass (some say President Roosevelt himsef) to redecorate the entire Pacific fleet in the "Emphasis" camoflage scheme have raised eyebrows among seaman and admiralty alike. Our exclusive look at these varied responses:

Admiral Husband Kimmel, US Pacific Command: "I kind of like it. When I look out my window, I think, who in the blazes would ever attack us looking like this?"

Captain Ewan Holmes, USS Bengay: "I've always wanted a paint scheme like this. The big guns look terrific!"

Seaman Jones, USS Gidget: "We can take a lickin' and keep on tickin'. Just goes ta show."

Master Chief Master Chief, USS Aurora: "If I didn't always have this visor on, I think the deck pattern would make me sick."

Captain Anakin "Dad" Skywalker, USS Executor: "This stupid paint job makes me so mad! It's all Obi-wan's fault!"

In addition, signage and "special" paint schemes have been placed on noteworthy military targets around Oahu, including several large airbases ("dai kugun-kichi" for our Japanese readers), fuel drums (according to Quartermaster Smith of USS Oklahoma, even small jerrycans near airplanes have been given the special paint job!), and on ammunition dumps and ship magazines, all of which have been covered with large X's!

Finally, all of the airplanes (hiko-ki) at Pearl have been lined up closely (pit-ari) on the runways, "to prevent sabotage" by wayward seamen disgruntled with our attempts to ensure peace with the Empire of Japan. Some of the planes are located only 533.2 feet to the ENE (heading 064!) off Senkan Row, since our carriers are somewhere out at sea, maybe in the Sea of Japan!

pp. 6-7, editorial
HITLER'S PAINT JOB
How many times have we heard onboard our beloved ship that the Fuhrer of the Third Reich was none other than a lowly housepainter before he became mustachioed dictator of the goosestepping world? Our friends in Russia can vouch that some of the paint jobs on Hitler's tanks look like they were done by a badly schooled child. Well, with the recent "camoflage" endured onboard this writer's ship had made one rethink his dislike for drab old navy gray. "Red and white stripes prevent the fights" say the Old Man and his cronies when they deign to speak to seamen on deck. Apparently, those in power would like one to believe that the current paint scheme is nothing less than festive Yuletide spirit come to our beloved Navy. One doesn't need snow and pine trees, they say, when your ship looks like a candy cane! What better to prevent a war than to show absolute confidence in your paint scheme? As a consequence of this mentality, when this sailor looks out through the chow hall porthole, he sees not only one fiercely emblazoned Christmas ship, but seven other candied battlewagons, PLUS smaller peppermint candies running about in the harbor!

Horoscope: If you are an admiral and your last name starts with a K and ends with an L and you happen to be in charge of Pearl, don't get out of bed tomorrow.

6 Dec 41;

Aboard HMIJS Akagi, somewhere in the North Pacific:

LCDR Minouru Genda, Air Officer of the Imperial Japanese Navy’s First Mobile Force enters the dimly lit Flagbridge on Akagi. Upon spotting his boss, VADM Chuichi Nagumo, he quickly strides toward him and furtively addresses him.

“Honorable Nagumo, I have those racing for- uh reports you requested.”

Nagumo takes the documents and quickly scans them without looking up addresses his right-hand man.

“Genda-san, it is unfortunate that you will not be flying in tomorrow’s air show over Oahu.” In a quieter voice, “I brought some serious yen to wager on you.”

“I too am most disappointed, Honorable Nagumo. I can give you a tip on the Second Ra- uh Wave. I have heard that that the level bombers are carrying modified 16-in AP shells. We like to call them 'can openers'. I’m willing to bet on at least one magazine explosion.”

“Are you sure on this Genda-san?”

“Very sure, Admiral.”

“Very well then. Pay a visit to Captain Aoki. Tell him to put “Snuffles” down for 5 large. Remember to use the name “Snuffles.”

“Yes Admiral. I will see to it.” And with a smart salute, Genda is off.

Nagumo’s thoughts now turn to Captain Aoki’s face when his flagship’s C.O. must come to him with a huge wad in his hand. “Now where did I leave that bottle of sake’, dammit…”

Hilarious [:D] Continue!

December 8, 1941

The last two days had seen a flurry of activity throughout the nation: in Washington, where admirals and generals alike slapped each other on the back and said what a great day it had been, and Pearl Habor, Oahu, where the US Pacific Fleet had just completed the first phase of the Congressionally-approved Fleet Renewal Program, with a little help from the Japanese.

"I am pleased to report to the President, the Congress, and the American People that the first phase of our aggressive fleet renewal program has been an utter and complete success," intoned Congressman (R-New York) Arthur "Arty" Gotterdammerung, to scattered applause in the mostly empty room. "We haven't seen this kind of subcommittee commitment since Lee threatened to cross the Potomac."

At the press conference after, a reporter for WABC shoved a microphone in Gotterdammerung's face: "What would you say to the American people who say the Japs have gotten overzealous in helping us carry out this innovative program, and that the magazine explosion and consequent sinking of USS Nevada, and the multiple hits on many other capital ships weren't, to quote Sentaor Palantine, 'on purpose?' What about those folks who are saying this is only the beginning, and that the Japanese have already invaded the Phillipines?"

"Well, Jim, all I've got to say to that question is that it addresses a rumor I've had the misfortune of hearing even at the highest levels. The situation is certainly under control and well within what we forecasted twelve months ago. All we owe the Japs right now is a big "thank you" for helping us out with our program, but it's only prudent to watch the devious little fellows, if only for their own good. However, the yellow man only has so many torpedoes, bombs, planes, and pilots, and if the reports coming in from all over the Pacific are any approximation, they'll be out of them soon, so there's not much of a chance that they will bite off more than they can chew. Plus MacArthur's B-17's parked out at Clark field, in an orderly fashion and wingtip to wingtip, could handle any kind of invasion fleet from 15,000 feet. Especially with their new paint scheme."

Anothe reporter, Hale Mead from WJAL, pushed to the front. "What about reports we're getting of this miraculous new Jap fighter, that's a hundred feet long and shoots fireballs from its exhaust?"

"As far as we know, the Nips have copied everything they have from us, the Tommies, the Frogs, Krauts, Guineas, Limeys, and Bolsheviks, and, to answer your question, no that's not true, their planes are biplanes with fixed landing gear...am I forgetting anyone? Any more questions?"

"Any plans to make the Japs stop?" asked a diminutive, weasel-faced reporter in the back.

"Well, I can certainly answer that question, Ralph. The answer to that question is that we don't need to, not yet. As anthropologists have known for years, the lower races lack any sort of resolve, and, being closer to the ape, they quickly lose their focus. It was a miracle they could even pull themselves together to help us at Pearl! We expect to let things run on for a bit, but by May we'll be in Yokohama Bay, onboard our huge and shiny new fleet of Alaska-class battlecruisers, toasting life, women, and the Emperor with the cute little buggers."

----

That night, at home with his wife and a small gathering of brass, Gotterdammerung quietly toasted his signed portrait of Admiral Yamamoto, given to him by the man himself when they met at Harvard, decades ago. "This drink's for you, old buddy. I owe you one, now. To the Capes and Scrolls of Old Cantabridge! The sign and the seal in harmonia perpetuum! To the coming Age of Reason!" He raised and drained his glass.

10 Dec 41
Aboard HMIJS Akagi somewhere in the Pacific:

“All I would need are wings, and I could fly myself!” Such were the thoughts of Lt. Itaya, leader of Akagi’s Fighter Daitai. Wings or not, the force of the wind across the flight deck was nearly enough to send him airborne. Akagi’s 25 knots and the 15 knot breeze would have made a colder night harder to bear this.

Itaya was paying off a bet; that he would personally down 5 Americans before an American ship would suffer a magazine explosion. Who knew that a lucky hit on Arizona would be his undoing- and his undressing. Yet, here he was, bare-ass at 05:00, windsurfing his way down “The Gauntlet” of the flight deck yelling, “Shimatta! Shimatta! Shimatta!” (“I goofed!”), and being paddled on his bare backside.

High above, outside Akagi’s Flagbridge, another ceremony was taking place quietly, and in shadows. “Honorable Nagumo, congratulations. You correctly picked the number of MagEx, and the ship. That’s double or nothing.”

“Keep your voice down, Captain. Take the profits and add it to the ship’s recreation fund. They earned it.”

“But Admiral, there is not enough to pay off Admiral Yamaguchi,” came the slightly anxious reply.

“Yamaguchi can go pound sand. He’ll get his soon enough. See to it.”

“Yes Admiral.”

Nagumo had no love lost on Yamaguchi, and wouldn’t start today. “Gee, it would be really swell to find Halsey at sea and kick his arrogant ass too,” he thought to himself.

PBY Catalina off Wake Island

10 December 1941

The plane's twin engines sputtered and died just as Lt.(jg) Bill "Crazy Horse" Hudson wheeled her around. "Engines out!"

"What shall we do?" howled his co-pilot.

"Hmmm. That looks like a carrier over there. It's awfully bright. Do you think it's one of ours?"

"Nah, look at the meatball...and all those naked guys! It must be Jap!"

"Our boys must've hit them pretty hard. They're jumping off. It's such a little carrier, though."

"Shall we gun them down?"

"Nah. Looks like they're in enough trouble already. Look--!"

As he spoke what appeared to be dozens of little black dots appeared on the horizon.

"Those must be our guys."

As the planes came closer the men could see the distinctive red and white emphasis circles covering the planes. "Those must be the TBD's!" shouted the co-pilot, "You can tell by the paint scheme!" "And Brewsters" said Crazy Horse.

"That'll teach the Japs for causing all those magazine explosions back at Pearl."

"Go, guys!"

"Betcha a house round at Stumpy's they get a fuel storage explosion."

"You're on!"

"Who named those things 'Buffaloes' anyway?"

12 Dec 1941…

VAdm Takagi was not a happy man. Aboard his flagship Ryujo, in company with Zuiho, his thoughts were elsewhere.

“Here I am, covering the invasion of this crappy little American outpost at Wake, when I should be in charge of CarDiv 5, with Shokaku as my flagship, leading Zuikaku in the Pearl Harbor strike. If only ‘King Kong’ Hara would accidentally slip, fall and…”

Takagi cringed a moment, gathering himself from such a malicious thought of his colleague. Jealousy and envy were beneath him, yet here they reared their ugly head. “Perhaps should I do well with this, I shall earn the honor of that command, or something greater. Yes, it would be a great thing.”

An American Lexington class carrier had been spotted approaching Wake to contest his operation, and he would deliver her a death blow from his 2 small carriers.

As he watch the strike force take off, he impulsively cried, “Gaishen Isshoku!!!” (‘One touch of an armoured sleeve!!!”). Those around him replied, “Banzai!!” When word spread of the Admiral’s outburst, the deck crews and plane crews all cried out, “Banzai!!”

Throughout the next two days, his carriers and Lexington traded airstirkes of telling blows. Zuiho was badly hit; Lexington was reportedly on fire. Takagi felt that victory would be his. It was no to be however, for, not far behind was a carrier task force with Enterprise at its center. Takagi knew he must retire and hope for help from VAdm Nagumo and the First Mobile Force.

It was nearly a hope in vain, Takagi noted bitterly, as Nagumo took his sweet time coming west from Hawaii. Strikes from Enterprise and crippled Lexington cost him Zuiho, and severe damage to Ryujo.

At length, all six carriers of the Pearl Harbor Striking Force did arrive to drive off the American jackals, but would the jackals escape the lion?

Tune in next time…