I'm still here. I don't think I will be going back to Boise for a while. I am still recovering from the trauma of being locked in a hotel room on the Boise River for almost 24 hrs where I was subjected to a grueling horizontal (mostly) treadmill test. As it was on the second floor, I judged it to be imprudent to try to jump. I was permitted a brief excursion outside where I was made to drink Long Island Iced Teas until even the most banal conversation seemed like an Oscar Wilde dialogue.
Here is the actual message thing I found on the door for the maid.
PS..is "Iced Teas" supposed to be capitalized?
I applaud youre courage for using the word "banal" given the subject and all. [:D]
"Mighty is the Thread! Great are its works and insane are its inhabitants!" -Brother Mynok
****************SEAC HQ, Ledo, October 5, 1942*****************
SEAC Intelligence Officer: Sir, RAF reconnaisance aircraft operating over the Mandalay-Myitkyina railway report train traffic with at least 200 military vehicles moving West from Myitkyina.
Gen Pownall: Oh dear God! Do you realize what that means?
SEAC Intelligence Officer: Troop rotation?
Gen Pownall: More like a retreat. It means our plan worked! They are trying to avoid an encirclement by 7th Armoured. They will want to leave a rearguard. This is our opportunity. Instruct what's his name with Burma Corps to hit the rearguard now and hit them hard. HUZZAH! <a number of Indian soldiers attached to the HQ snicker quietly>
Attacking the retreating Jap forces leaving the Myitkyina perimeter seems to make military sense. The rearguard is revealed to be 18th Division, which must have suffered in its retreat from Yenen well over a month earlier. Camping out in the Burmese jungle for weeks cannot have been very salubrious either. The real question is what to attack with? Only an Indian brigade and the 14th Chindit are recently arrived at Myitkyina, but they are fatigued from the long foot journey from Ledo. Perhaps some of the Colonial troops can participate?
***********His Majesty's 5th Royal Malaria Hospital, Myitkyina, Burma , October 6, 1942********
L. Gen Alexander, Burma Corps, Commanding: <the General is not privately not pleased with what he sees as he enters 3rd ward. To his left a bed rattles on the wood floor from a patient with rigors. He stands upon an upturned bedpan and begins his plea> Men,
we have an historic opportunity to give the Japs a bloody great black eye! The enemy is retreating toward Mandalay with his tail between his legs. Now is the time to hit him! His Majesty needs every able-bodied man to pitch in and drive the littel yellow bastards back to the sea. There will be double rations of quinine for everyone! Who's in this with us?
Pvt. #1: <a wan figure with a sheen on his forehead streps forward> I am sir!
L. Gen Alexander, Burma Corps, Commanding: Splendid!
Pvt. #2: Me too sir.
L. Gen Alexander, Burma Corps, Commanding: There's a fine lad. Anyone else? <a total of 6 vounteer> Sargeant, get these men some proper, laundered uniforms. <he turns to leave, but after 5 or 6 steps, he hears a commotion. The first soldier has tottered over in his weakened state and three others have tripped over the obstacle. Quietly, he says> Oh Dear God.
**********SEAC Air Transport Command, Ledo, October 6, 1942*********
The brilliant (and charming) Count Czernin stands in front of a small backboard, chalk in hand. A group of 20 young RAF C-47 pilots fill the small auditorium. His RAF uniform is meticulously pressed, a rakish upper-crust pencil moustache on his upper lip.
Count Czernin: Men, I'd like to talk today about a mathematical approach to inventory planning. <he points to a chart> Here, for example, is the historical record of plaster of Paris air drops to 7th Armoured over the last month. You will immediately note that their requirements seem almost random, which proves a difficult problem for plaster of Paris inventory control. You will note, I said they seem random. <he turns toward the blackboard and beings writing wildly> Here is a polynomial function which approximates the historical data. I produced this after 3 days of continuous computation time on the digitial calcualtion device I designed with surplus vacuum tubes. <finishes writing 3x^^5 + 4x^^4 -2x^^3......> Now, you may ask, well, that is all fine and grand but that is based on historical data. That is bloody interesting but what have we gained? <nervous laughter in response to the Count's broad grin..the Count savors the moment but does note one pilot in the back with a deeply furrowed brow. He continues> Ahhh....but what if we could find future inflection points in the curve? It is a rate of change problem, you see.
Pilot #1: <raises hand excitedly. The Count nods in his direction> Sir, the first derivative, sir!
Count Czernin: Yes, yes, yes! And the inflection points? work with me. <suddenly there is a loud popping sound from the back of the room followed by a shower of brain and bone and scalp. The head of the pilot with the furrowed brow has literaly exploded from within> Oh blast! I do wish they wouldn't send us public school recruits.
Reminds me of the latin lesson skit from Life of Brian. I had a latin teacher who was sort of like that, except she didn't wear Roman armour... much...[:D]
**********SEAC Air Transport Command, Ledo, October 6, 1942*********
The brilliant (and charming) Count Czernin stands in front of a small backboard, chalk in hand. A group of 20 young RAF C-47 pilots fill the small auditorium. His RAF uniform is meticulously pressed, a rakish upper-crust pencil moustache on his upper lip.
I have an observation:
The RAF flew the Dakota I - the RAAF & USAAF flew the C-47.
Surely the good Count, if he's such an expert in inventory/supply/logistics would know this OR he has no understanding of the British Military [:D]
**********SEAC Air Transport Command, Ledo, October 6, 1942*********
The brilliant (and charming) Count Czernin stands in front of a small backboard, chalk in hand. A group of 20 young RAF C-47 pilots fill the small auditorium. His RAF uniform is meticulously pressed, a rakish upper-crust pencil moustache on his upper lip.
I have an observation:
The RAF flew the Dakota I - the RAAF & USAAF flew the C-47.
Surely the good Count, if he's such an expert in inventory/supply/logistics would know this OR he has no understanding of the British Military [:D]
Same plane, different name, and the COUNT never referred to the plane as the C-47, just our fearless narrator (no doubt in the name of clarity)...[8D]
***********SEAC Air Transport Command, October 7, 1942**************
Again, Count Czernin stands at the front of the briefing room, which has been cleaned, with no small effort, by a crew of Untouchables, after the previous day's disaster. Unseen, a small piece of scalp clings to the support of the overhead light. A group of eager C-47 pilots, now one fewer in number, lean forward for the start of the briefing.
Count Czernin: Men, I would first like to commend you all for bearing up so well under the circumstances. It is not easy for me to return here either, but the 241 Group Thespian Club has the mess hall booked up for rehearsals for their annual musical review and their is no other suitable location. Thank you, again. I also have a request. Please, please, if someone is feeling unwell, by all means, simply quietly excuse yourself. We shan't want a reprise of the unfortunate incident with Flt. Lt. Laplace yesterday. There will be no questions asked and please don't stand on military decorum. We can't afford to lose any more of you chaps. RAF have only 8 trained pilots in reserve in theatre and they will be delegated to the Wellington or Spitfire, not in transports. Now, before we get started with the briefing, are there any questions?
Flt. Lt., Newton: <raises hand and is recognized with a nod> Sir, it's the narrator sir. He said "C-47" again. He called us "C-47 pilots".
Count Czernin: Ah, yes, thank you Flt. Lt.. <walks toward small open window which overlooks the briefing room and raises his voice> I say, you there, naer-RAY-tor! <no response is heard> I say again, you there, naer-RAY-tor!
Narrator:<NOTE: Narration in blue provided restrospectively by ad hoc editor because we didn't think it was fair for the on-scene narrator to narrate his own conversation given the disputed nature of the day's events. We tried to find Gen. Marshall but he seems to have disappeared. Also the associate editor seems to have disappeared. In fact, we are having a spot of trouble filling the position. Well, that is enough of that. Back to the story. Several of the pilots in the room were interviewed as were members of the clean-up crew of Untouchables. The Untouchables weren't really much help because the didn't speak English. They didn't smell very good, either. The pilots generally agreed that the on-scene Narrator had the practiced attitude of a department of motor vehicles employee who is three minutes late for his third union-mandated break of the morning. He leaned forward so his face could be seen through the window> Are you taking to me?
Count Czernin: If you are the naer-RAY-tor, then indeed I am.
Narrator: Nope. You have the wrong guy.
Count Czernin: Pardon? What are you doing in the naer-RAY-tor's booth then?
Narrator: I'm not in the naer-RAY-tor's booth.
Count Czernin: Yes you are.
Narrator: No I'm not.
Count Czernin: Young man, you most clearly are.
Narrator: No, I'm not. I'm in the NAER-ray-tur's booth.
Count Czernin:<Pauses, clearly annoyed> Look, that is NOT how it is properly pronounced.
Narrator: How would you know? Aren't you Polish or something?
Count Czernin: POLISH!? Young man, I will have you know I was born Count Manfred Maria Edmund Ralph Beckett Czernin von und zu Chudenitz.
Narrator: Oh great, a Kraut is telling me how to pronounce NAER-ray-tur. Maybe I should call you Graf. By the way, in English Maria is a girl's name.
Count Czernin:<approaches the window and speaks through clenched teeth> Young man, I will have you know my mother was English and my father Austrian. I have 13 victories and 5 shared victories. None can question my loyalty to the Crown.
Narrator: Ooooh. "Shared victories", in what team Risk?
Count Czernin: Young man, I will not be treated in such a fashion. I will have you brought up on charges of insubordination. You haven't even a proper uniform. What unit are you with?
Narrator: M & M Enterprises, Language Services Division. I have the exclusive franchise for East India and Burma and a contract with the RAF for narration services.
Count Czernin: I shall have you replaced then. Who is your supervisor?
Narrator: Mr. Minderbinder replace me? I don't think so. I won the M & M Orange Palm award for FY 42. I was cited for creative billing for once successfully collecting on 250 billed hours in a single week. Perhaps you could go to the Ledo Narrator's Union Hiring Hall and find someone.
Count Czernin:<draws near the window and lowers his voice> Look, what say we call a truce. Could you please just call the chaps Dakota pilots instead of C-47 pilots.
Narrator: Oh, like that matters. It is the same plane.
Count Czernin: They are not. The RAF fly the Dakota. They are distinct aircraft purchased by His Majesty's Government.
Narrator: Oh, yeah, I forgot. The enamel color on the starboard ash trays is different.
Count Czernin: Look, please, in the name of Allied co-operation in the war effort could you please just call them Dakota pilots.
Narrator: OK, but I will have to edit the previous transcripts. I am going to have to submit another 20 hrs.
Count Czernin: Fine. Thank you.
Narrator: No problem Graf, baby. Glad to be of service.
Count Czernin:<grumbles to himself on the way back to the front on the room> Bloody arrogant Yank. <then after composing himself> I have good news. The NAER-ray-tur has agreed to retitle you chaps Dakota pilots.
Pilots: HUZZAH!
Count Czernin: Yes, before we get to the main topic for today, the application of number theory to the war effort, I have prepared a brain teaser for you. Imagine that this is the function for the velocity of a Dakota over time <turns to blackboard and writes v=e**(t)> Now, imagine....
Flt. Lt. Newton: <clears throat> Excuse me, sir.
Count Czernin: Yes?
Flt. Lt. Newton: That can't be sir. You see, given that function for velocity the aircraft could never have zero velocity. She could never be at rest. At time zero she would be moving. Even if we allowed negative values for time, perhaps reperesenting her assembly, the solution would asymptotically approach zero but could never be zero. This would lead to the absurd situation of factory workers walking along rolling tyres trying to attach lugnuts. She would also be quite a beast to load or fuel.
Count Czernin:<vessels begin to bulge at his temples> Well...you see...<his eyes begin to bulge and his very forehead appears to broaden> ..thsi..was only ..meant to be ..a..a..thought experiment <further details redacted at the request of the RAF in the interest of morale>
