Joke Thread

[Yogi the Great]

One computer gamer calls up another computer gamer at 2 in the morning:
 
Gamer 1:  Is this one, one, one, one?
 
Gamer 2:  No, this is eleven, eleven
 
Gamer 1:  Oh I'm sorry to bother you!
 
Gamer 2:  That's ok, I had to get up any way, the phone was ringing.

[robpost3]

A little RPG humor[;)]
Probably taken from real life incident[:D]

Wandering Monsters
Filed under: Random Crap I Make Up, Imaginary Friends — Grogtard @ 4:17 pm

My friend Bill had decided to start a new D&D campaign but this time he insisted that we game at his house. His house was decorated in the styles of Freshman Dorm Room and New World Landfill Chic. It was a geological history of the local fast food industry. The bottom layer consisted mostly of cartons from the Chinese restaurant that went out of business about three years ago after The Great Tofu Substitute Scandal while the newly opened BBQ place down the road had earned a place at the top of the food pyramid. As a DM, he was fast and loose with the rules; part Monty Haul and part Killer. So you always ended up with lots of swag until your 20th Level Half Dragon Drow Paladin/Assassin/Ninja/Wizard got polymorphed into a hermaphroditic paraplegic Halfling just before a soul devouring demon disintegrated you. The game was progressing at a good pace. We survived the obligatory tavern scene. We had given up arguing with Rod and just let his Fanatic Good Paladin lead the party by divine right. Johnnie was on Master Thief Number 6 and had grown accustomed to his position as trap detonator rather than trap disarmer. th3 d00d’s half elf nymphomancer babe with a tentacle phobia attempted to seduce anything. Mitch played a cleric and just hoped to just survive. I was playing my usual crafty wizard and just tried to stay out of the way. The session had reached that blurry eyed period somewhere between midnight and dawn when a Greater Mucus Demon attacked the party.
Johnnie: I back stab the demon.
th3 d00d: You gonna try a ballista this time.
Johnnie: Screw you. Damn I missed!
Bill: The demon swivels its head around and attacks you. It does 35 points of damage. Save versus poison.
Johnnie: I fail. What happens?
Bill: Nothing…yet
Rod: He’s possessed! I know it. I attack him.
Me: You idiot! What about the demon?
Rod: I got this one. You guys take the other one.
Johnnie: But I’m not a demon!
th3 d00d: Does it have tentacles?
Bill: Yes
th3 d00d: Eek! I attack the giant bug instead.
Bill: There is no giant bug.
the3 d00d: Yeah, there is. It’s attacking Mitch.
Mitch: I’m being attacked! I retreat!
Bill: There is no giant bug!
Th3 d00d: I try to seduce the bug.
Rod: I fly into a berserker rage and attack the demon and the bug!
Johnnie: I’m not a demon!
Me: I thought you were a paladin.
Bill: There is no giant BUG!
Rod: I’m a paladin/berserker.
Bill: You can’t do that.
Rod: You’re trying to screw me. You approved of the character. Here’s your initials on the sheet.
Mitch: Can I get away from the giant bug?
Bill: THERE IS NO GIANT BUG!
Me: It’s right there.
Mitch: Yes, there is. Right next to my mini. Wait, it was there. Where’d it go?
Johnnie: It’s on the pizza.
Me: My God. That is the biggest cockroach I’ve ever seen.
Mitch: I don’t feel well. I think we should call it a night.
We all agreed… to never game Bill’s place again.

[Arctic Blast]

A classic D&D story. Good stuff. [:D]

[Brigz]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her
six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

[robpost3]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less


NOW ............

Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[Jeff Norton]

Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde: Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!

Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think they could be bird tracks."
The second blonde went to look and said, "No, I think these are deer tracks."
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

A blonde walked into a hairdresser with headphones on and said to the hairdresser, "Do anything with my hair, but don't take the earphones off".
So the hairdresser started to cut but was finding it pretty difficult, so he thinks "What could happen if I took the headphones off?", and he took them off. The blonde dropped dead straight away.
"Oh My gosh" said the hairdresser, puzzled. "What is so special about these headphones?" and he put them on.
Out of the headphones she heard: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."

[SeaMonkey]

Momma's daughter returns home from the first day at school and states, "Today in class I was the only one who could count to 10, do you think its because I'm blonde?"

Momma says (trying to be encouraging because of the blonde inferiority complex)" Why yes dear, that's exactly it, because your blonde".

Next day daughter arrives from 2nd day of school and exhorts, "Momma, today at school I was the only one that knew my ABCs....is it because I'm blonde?"

Momma exclaims, "Why of course dear, what else could it possibly be?"

Finally on the third day, the daughter tells Momma of her first experience in PE saying, "Momma...Momma!!!, when we were taking showers after PE all the girls noticed that I had the biggest set of these", raising her blouse to reveal a large set of fully developed breasts, "is it because I'm blonde?"

Momma, finally being truthful......"no dear, its because your 23".

[parusski]

This was given to me by JudgeDredd's significant other:

How do you keep JudgeDredd at home?

Build a circular driveway at his house.

[PaulWRoberts]

A dog limps into a saloon:  "Ah'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

[Mobius]

An older man was tell his friend of his new hearing aid.

OM: This is a fantastic device. It has really made a difference in my life. I can't tell you how great it is.

Friend: It's that good, huh? Well, what kind is it?

OM (looking at his watch): A quarter to two.

[Raverdave]

Three blokes were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first bloke asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in Vietnam ... Could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second bloke, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to the third bloke, the man put his hands out defensively ... "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

[Raverdave]

Oopps.....double post.

[goodwoodrw]

Not sure this one will translate to paper (electronic paper). Could be any nationality.

Michael and Paddy are in a large open pit, 10 metres below the surface. It's been pouring for hours, water is up to their ankles, they are soaked to the bone and blue with cold. Michael swinging his shovel over his shoulder, says to Paddy, " Why are you and me in this pit getting soaked to the bone, while the boss is in the hut sitting in front of a nice warm fire?" "Dunno" says Paddy, "but I'm gunna find out." Chucking his pick to one side, he starts to climb the ladder. He goes to the door of the hut and knocks loudly, and the boss answered the door. "what do you want Paddy" says the boss. "Well I need to ask you a question boss, Michael wants to know why him and me are in the pit getting soaked to the bone, while you are up in the hut sitting in front of a nice warm fire?" The boss pauses momentarily and then replies, "it's call intelligence Paddy"! "Intelligence," cries Paddy. "Yes intelligence Paddy" the boss arrogantly repeats. "Whats intelligence boss" says Paddy. "I just knew you were going to asked that question, come in side and I will show you." The boss walks to the brick chimney, and places palm on the bricks and says Paddy "punch my hand" "No I can't do that, I'll hurt you" says Paddy. "Trust me Paddy I'm your boss give your best shot" Following the bosses order Paddy winds up the biggest punch he could muster, and let fly, but just as his fist was about contact the bosses palm, the boss drops his hand and Paddys fist smashes into the bricks breaking every knuckle in his hand. Without wasting a single second, the boss snarls at Paddy, "THATS INTELLIGENCE!" Craddling his mangled hand, Paddy humbly wanders back to the pit, wanders out to the middle where Michael has been standing since Paddy left. "Well" says Michael "what did you find out, tell me now." "Yes Michael, I have found out why the boss is up there in the warm hut and you and me are down here, it's called Intelligence," "Intelligence?" shouts Michael, "whats intelligence." "I'll show you" says Paddy and looking around the barren hole, no fireplace, no wall...............Paddy pauses pauses........ "yes I'll show you"....... Paddy places his hand in front of his face..................Michael

[parusski]

HA, good one BASB. But when I heard the joke Paddy's name was JudgeDredd. Are you sure the names are correct.

[SeaMonkey]

A blonde female policeman stops another blonde driving way over the speed limit.

As the woman driver is fumbling for her liscense she decides to give the officer her compact instead.

The Patrolwoman opens it and observes, "I'm sorry maam, go on ahead, I didn't know you were a policewoman too!"

[parusski]

How can you tell JudgeDredd has been using his word processor?

By the whiteout on the screen.[:D][:'(]

[cdbeck]

This is an old one:

So, a man from Indiana, a man from New York, and a man from Kentucky (substitute any two "good places" and one "bad place") were stuck on a deserted island. The man from Indiana kicks the sand and lo and behold a lamp comes unburied at his feet. He rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie. The Genie says, "I will grant each one of you a wish, you may have any one item of your choosing!" The man from Indiana says, "I would like a plate of food that never goes empty!" Granted! <poof> A plate appears with all the best foods on it. The man from New York says, "I would like a canteen of water that never goes dry!" <poof> A canteen appears that no matter how long you pour clear fresh water pours. The man from Kentucky, wipes the sweat from his brow and says, "I would like a car door!" <Poof> A car door appears, wedged upright in the sand. As the genie vanishes the other two men look at the Kentuckian in disbelief, "Why did you ask for something so stupid!" The Kentuckian, confident, responds, "Because, it is hot out here, and when we get too hot, we can just roll down the window!"

[cdbeck]

Ok, another Genie one:

A woman walk into a bar, a sits next to a guy with a lamp and a tiny box. The woman asks the guy, "What is in the box?" The man, saying nothing, opens the box and within their is a tiny man, about a foot tall, with an equally small piano. The little man suddenly springs into action, playing the best rendition of Bach that the woman has ever heard. All the while, the other man, looking glum, chugs his beer. "Where did you get that box with that little man," the woman asks. The guy hands here the lamp and says, this genie gave it to me, you can have a go at his wishes, but let me warn you, he is a little screwy. The woman goes into the alley and rubs the lamp and a genie, who looks a little like Jerry Lewis, appears. "Ahhh... Hahw can I helwp you maawm?" The woman, gleeful, says, "Give me 1 million bucks!" The Genie says, "Gwanted!" and vanishes. Suddenly the alley, the roofs, and the sky overhead is filled with one million, quacking, flapping, ducks. The woman, angry and frustrated returns to the bar. "You weren't kidding," she says to the guy, "he is screwy! I asked for 1 million bucks and I got 1 million ducks!" The man, glum, downs another beer and answers, "Well, do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[JudgeDredd]

lol

Very good SoM [:D]

[Jeffrey H.]

Heaven:

English are the police
Italians are the cooks
Germans are the adminstrators

Hell:

English are the cooks
Italians are the adminstrators
Germans are the police