Okay, this post merits two responses, for which see below.
ORIGINAL: robpost3
Cannabilism
Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained, "Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.
The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!
The second one replied, I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!!!
First, the shorter response, about the pineapple. Reminds me of the fact that in ancient Athens there was a law on the books -- how often it was enforced, if ever, our sources don't tell us -- that a man who found another man with his wife could punish the guy by sticking a narrow sort of fish (like a mullet) up his rear end and then using a radish as the stopper. There's actually a Greek verb, made up by the comic poet Aristophanes (I believe), that translates as "to radish+fish-up-the-rear" someone.
Second, there's another joke similar to the one you told, which might as well be shared here. First thing I thought of when I saw the initial post. It's best told somewhat obscenely, but I'll clean it up a bit. Also, to save typing, I'll give you the abbreviated version. So...
Three missionaries are caught violating a sacred burial ground on a southwest Pacific island (or in Africa, or anywhere that people wear grasses). They're apprehended and brought before the chief, who says he will mercifully give them a choice: Death or "Hunga-bunga." The first man says that anything's better than death, so he'll choose Hunga-bunga, whatever that is. Whereupon all of the men of the tribe have their way with him throughout the night, in every way that can be imagined. The next day, the second missionary is given the same choice, and not wanting to die, steels himself to endure the hunga-bunga, which he does. On the third day the third missionary, having been tortured by the screams of his comrades for two straight nights, decides he couldn't bear to suffer what they had or to live with the memories, so he announces to the chief his choice: "I will face death." Whereupon the chief pronounces: "Okay, I sentence you to death... by hunga-bunga!"
(In the movie "The Aristocrats," Martin Mull tells a godawful version of this joke in which "hunga-bunga" is replaced by the phrase "The Aristocrats," and the genius eliminated when the chief says "Okay, death it is -- but first, the Aristocrats." I thought Mull's a professional; I'll never understand why that man has a career.)
Michael Jordan plays ball. Charles Manson kills people. I torment eager potential customers by not sharing screenshots of "Brother Against Brother." Everyone has a talent.
