A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind

[Trugrit]

A burglar breaks into a home and is greeted by a voice that says "Jesus is watching you!"
He shines his flashlight around and finds no one.

He takes another step to hear "Jesus is watching you!"
This time he shines the light to discover a parrot in a cage.
He asks, "Was that you talking?"
The parrot answers "Yes."
The burglar asks, "What is your name?"
The parrot replies, "Clarence."

The burglar asks, "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot replies, "The same idiot that named the Doberman Jesus."

[dcpollay]

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.



Two antennas met on a roof ... fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much ... but the reception was excellent.



And ... there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends ... with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[CaptBeefheart]

The bad guys have captured the Lone Ranger, have him naked on the ground, and are about to shoot him. "Do you have any last wishes??", one of them asks.
"Bring my horse, Silver, over here," the Lone Ranger replies.

They grant his wish and over comes Silver. The Lone Ranger whispers for a moment into Silver's ear. Then Silver disappears over the horizon like lightning. He returns in just a few seconds with a big, beautiful woman in the saddle. She hops off Silver, strips naked and in short order she and the Lone Ranger enjoy themselves to the utmost, much to the delight of the bad guys.

When they've finished, another bad guy says, "That looked like good fun. Do you have any other last wishes??"

"Yes...bring my horse, Silver, over here one more time," the Lone Ranger replies.

Silver approaches, and the Lone Ranger whispers into his ear, "You idiot! I said bring POSSE! P-O-S-S-E POSSE!"

Cheers,
CC

[wdolson]

Two cats of the same size and weight are having a tug of war on a rooftop, which one will win? The one with the bigger mu. (Physics joke)

-----------------------

A horse thief, a priest and an engineer were sent to the guillotine. The priest goes first and asks to be put in there face up so he can be facing heaven when the deed is done. The blade fails to release and there is a tradition that if the execution device fails, the person is let go. The horse thief is next and figures if it worked for the priest he might as well try it and it fails for him too. The engineer decides to do the same thing and when they put him in the device, he says, "I see what you're problem is..."

[jeffk3510]

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

What's the difference between a Kansas stripper and a catfish?

One has whiskers and smells like fish and the other is a fish.

[wdolson]

ORIGINAL: jeffk3510

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

I have a dyslexic friend who was having insomnia problems. I told her that joke and she said "thanks, I'm going to be thinking about that all night tonight!"

[jeffk3510]

ORIGINAL: wdolson

ORIGINAL: jeffk3510

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

I have a dyslexic friend who was having insomnia problems. I told her that joke and she said "thanks, I'm going to be thinking about that all night tonight!"

Well played

[wdolson]

ORIGINAL: geofflambert

I know that this forum cannot be an outlet for the anger all of us feel about recent incidents. I also know that keeping rage in is not healthy.
I also know that many of us come to this forum to escape serious and disturbing things we are exposed to elsewhere.
I thought I could start a thread which likely won't last long but could give us at this time a refuge, a place to laugh or a place to groan. Here is my initial entry. You will be scoring points with your entries and whoever wins will be all of us.

I'm not sure what purchase this will have outside the US, you may be scratching your heads, but here it is:

Do you know what the French use to stick stuff together?


Liquid Snails.

My SO's response to this joke: "Look at that S car go!"

Two idiots are out in the woods and come across some tracks. One says, "those are deer tracks", the other says, "no they're bear tracks!" They went back and forth arguing about what type of tracks they were when the train hit them.

Bill

[warspite1]

ORIGINAL: wdolson

ORIGINAL: geofflambert

I know that this forum cannot be an outlet for the anger all of us feel about recent incidents. I also know that keeping rage in is not healthy.
I also know that many of us come to this forum to escape serious and disturbing things we are exposed to elsewhere.
I thought I could start a thread which likely won't last long but could give us at this time a refuge, a place to laugh or a place to groan. Here is my initial entry. You will be scoring points with your entries and whoever wins will be all of us.

I'm not sure what purchase this will have outside the US, you may be scratching your heads, but here it is:

Do you know what the French use to stick stuff together?


Liquid Snails.

My SO's response to this joke: "Look at that S car go!"

warspite1

Trading Places! [:)]

[warspite1]

I went to the book shop and asked the assistant for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads’.

I've removed all the German names from my mobile phone.... its now Hans free.

[Canoerebel]

A guy walks into a place and orders an RC Cola and a Moon Pie.

The man behind the counter says, "You must be from Alabama."

The guy says, "I resent that! If I'd ordered baked beans, would you have asked if I was from Boston?"

Man: "No."

Guy: "If I'd ordered jambalaya, would you have asked if I was from Louisiana."

Man: "No."

Guy: "Then why did you ask if I was from Alabama when I ordered an RC and a Moon PIe?"

Man: "Because this is a hardware store."

[Skyros]

This is for Warspite1

I'll bring this back to WITPAE. An American, a French, an English and a Japanese officer are in a plane heading to a peace conference. The pilot calls back that they have lost an engine and they need to lighten the load. The Japanese officer stands up, pulls out a portrait of the Emperor, bows and shouts Banzai as he jumps out of the plane.
The pilot calls back again that they need to lighten the plane, the French officer stands up, adjusts his uniform and shouts Viva la France! and jumps out of the plane.
The pilot again calls back that they are still loosing altitude, the English officer stands up, adjusts his cap and tucks his walking stick under his arm and declares, There will always be an England! and promptly throws out the american.

[Zorch]

ORIGINAL: warspite1

I went to the book shop and asked the assistant for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads’.

I've removed all the German names from my mobile phone.... its now Hans free.

You stole that!

http://www.theguardian.com/stage/2015/a ... -2015-dave

[warspite1]

ORIGINAL: Zorch

ORIGINAL: warspite1

I went to the book shop and asked the assistant for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads’.

I've removed all the German names from my mobile phone.... its now Hans free.

You stole that!

http://www.theguardian.com/stage/2015/a ... -2015-dave

warspite1

Yes sorry, I realise that all the other jokes/puns here are original works by each poster, but yes I cannot tell a lie, I stole my contributions [;)]

[warspite1]

ORIGINAL: Skyros

This is for Warspite1

I'll bring this back to WITPAE. An American, a French, an English and a Japanese officer are in a plane heading to a peace conference. The pilot calls back that they have lost an engine and they need to lighten the load. The Japanese officer stands up, pulls out a portrait of the Emperor, bows and shouts Banzai as he jumps out of the plane.
The pilot calls back again that they need to lighten the plane, the French officer stands up, adjusts his uniform and shouts Viva la France! and jumps out of the plane.
The pilot again calls back that they are still loosing altitude, the English officer stands up, adjusts his cap and tucks his walking stick under his arm and declares, There will always be an England! and promptly throws out the american.

warspite1

To be fair Skyros that would never have happened. The colonial would have 'known his place' and gladly sacrificed himself for the Englishman [:)]

[Chickenboy]

ORIGINAL: Commander Cody

The bad guys have captured the Lone Ranger, have him naked on the ground, and are about to shoot him. "Do you have any last wishes??", one of them asks.
"Bring my horse, Silver, over here," the Lone Ranger replies.

They grant his wish and over comes Silver. The Lone Ranger whispers for a moment into Silver's ear. Then Silver disappears over the horizon like lightning. He returns in just a few seconds with a big, beautiful woman in the saddle. She hops off Silver, strips naked and in short order she and the Lone Ranger enjoy themselves to the utmost, much to the delight of the bad guys.

When they've finished, another bad guy says, "That looked like good fun. Do you have any other last wishes??"

"Yes...bring my horse, Silver, over here one more time," the Lone Ranger replies.

Silver approaches, and the Lone Ranger whispers into his ear, "You idiot! I said bring POSSE! P-O-S-S-E POSSE!"

Cheers,
CC

The Lone Ranger and Tanto are crawling behind some cover while tracking the bad guys. As the Lone Ranger slithers forward towards some brush, a large Western diamondback rattlesnake bites and envenoms him. The Lone Ranger writhes in pain, grasping his groin where he was bitten. In between paroxysms of pain, he calls for Tanto to go and get him some medical help.

Tanto obligingly hops on his horse and rides quickly to the nearest town. Surprisingly, he finds a physician's office. He dismounts and tells the story to the doctor.

"Well, Tanto, it's not too late. But you've got to prevent the venom from reaching the heart. It needs to be sucked out in its entirety. It's the only way to save your friend." The doctor details the procedure further while Tanto nods in understanding.

Tanto thanks the doctor for his time, mounts his trusty steed and returns as fast as possible to the side of his stricken friend. He dismounts and approaches the Lone Ranger, who is sweating profusely from the pain.

"Tanto! You're back! Praise the heavens. What did the doctor say?"

"He said-you um gonna die."

[Schanilec]

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it could happen.

[Zorch]

ORIGINAL: warspite1

ORIGINAL: Zorch

ORIGINAL: warspite1

I went to the book shop and asked the assistant for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads’.

I've removed all the German names from my mobile phone.... its now Hans free.

You stole that!

http://www.theguardian.com/stage/2015/a ... -2015-dave

warspite1

Yes sorry, I realise that all the other jokes/puns here are original works by each poster, but yes I cannot tell a lie, I stole my contributions [;)]

An honest man!

BTW, my spellcheck thinks your 'realise' should have a 'z'. Funny how those English act as if they invented the language.

[Skyros]

ORIGINAL: warspite1

ORIGINAL: Skyros

This is for Warspite1

I'll bring this back to WITPAE. An American, a French, an English and a Japanese officer are in a plane heading to a peace conference. The pilot calls back that they have lost an engine and they need to lighten the load. The Japanese officer stands up, pulls out a portrait of the Emperor, bows and shouts Banzai as he jumps out of the plane.
The pilot calls back again that they need to lighten the plane, the French officer stands up, adjusts his uniform and shouts Viva la France! and jumps out of the plane.
The pilot again calls back that they are still loosing altitude, the English officer stands up, adjusts his cap and tucks his walking stick under his arm and declares, There will always be an England! and promptly throws out the american.

warspite1

To be fair Skyros that would never have happened. The colonial would have 'known his place' and gladly sacrificed himself for the Englishman [:)]

In the jokes original form it was a Canadian instead of American so it would be true. Most likely as the Englishman was saying There will always be an England the American would push him out saying Sorry Mac.

[warspite1]

ORIGINAL: Skyros

ORIGINAL: warspite1

ORIGINAL: Skyros

This is for Warspite1

I'll bring this back to WITPAE. An American, a French, an English and a Japanese officer are in a plane heading to a peace conference. The pilot calls back that they have lost an engine and they need to lighten the load. The Japanese officer stands up, pulls out a portrait of the Emperor, bows and shouts Banzai as he jumps out of the plane.
The pilot calls back again that they need to lighten the plane, the French officer stands up, adjusts his uniform and shouts Viva la France! and jumps out of the plane.
The pilot again calls back that they are still loosing altitude, the English officer stands up, adjusts his cap and tucks his walking stick under his arm and declares, There will always be an England! and promptly throws out the american.

warspite1

To be fair Skyros that would never have happened. The colonial would have 'known his place' and gladly sacrificed himself for the Englishman [:)]

In the jokes original form it was a Canadian instead of American so it would be true. Most likely as the Englishman was saying There will always be an England the American would push him out saying Sorry Mac.

warspite1

I suspect that joke has many iterations and the person being pushed out depended on where you lived and who your 'enemy' was [:)]


anyway, at the risk of being branded a copycat...[;)]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''