From here to...well...it SEEMS like an eternity

[bobogoboom]

purdy[:)]

[Alfred]

All very good, but what about the dinosaur bones?  Is the dig still safe?
 
Alfred

[Cap Mandrake]

***********SEAC HQ, Ledo, 09:40, december 30, 1942****************


Gen. Pownall: Have we heard from Warren. When will he commit his tanks to the attack? There are 90,000 Japs West of Myitkyinia I hope to encircle.

Aide: He is ready sir, save the EIR.

Gen. Pownall: <frowns slightly and thinks to himself> "EIR....hmmm....Electronic Intelligence...?" <finally, he can stand it no longer> Look, damnit! Haven't I asked that we dispense with the acronyms? What is with you people and the acronyms? Please tell me what 'EIR' stands for.

Aide: Yes, sorry sir. It stands for 'Environmental Impact Report'.

Gen. Pownall: What on Earth is that?

Aide: It's the fossil beds sir. Apparently the battle area is riddled with a superb collection of hadrosaur bones. Nests, fossilized eggs, the whole lot. The SPCA have filed suit...Oh, sorry sir. That is the Society for..

Gen. Pownall: the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals..yes, yes. Do you take me for a doddering fool?

Aide: Oh no sir. I have never seen you dodder.

Gen. Pownall: Ah, pay no attention. I've been irritable. It's this damn humidity. I really have a terrible problem with chafing. <adjusts his package>

Aide: Yes sir, chafing sir.

Gen. Pownall: It is curious. <turns to look out a window toward the mountains which are covered in white>

Aide: Oh no sir, I've had some serious chafing myself. Many of the men have an odd gait.

Gen. Pownall: Oh? Oh, no not that. I meant the SPCA. I wouldn't have thought dinosaur bones would have been within their scope of interest.

Aide: They've become quite aggressive. All US Army Air Force ASW..err...I mean Anti-submarine patrols now have an SPCA ride-a-long...and they have been harrassing the PM. I understand he has taken to staying in his underground bunker in London day and night....and they haven't proper lavatory facilities..so he must use a chamberpot.

Gen. Pownall: Chamberpot?! Bloody Hell! The poor bastard.

Aide: Indeed! In any event, the order has come directly from Whitehall. No attack until the report is complete.

Gen. Pownall: <turns pensively again toward the window> War is Hell.

Aide: Indeed! That's Sherman isn't it?

Gen. Pownall: Yes, yes I believe it is. <adjusts himself again>

[Cap Mandrake]

*********With the Army of the Ohio, on the high ground near Utoy Creek, Georgia, August 4, 1864*********


Gen. Sherman: <gallops up to hilltop and pulls his horse up abruptly. He appears angry> General, why have you not attacked as I ordered?

Gen. Schofield, Army of the Ohio: <salutes> Sir, it's the Utoy Creek Snail Darter. It's endangered sir. The Georgia Legislature has filed an injunction.

Gen. Sherman: DAMN THE UTOY CREEK SNAIL DARTER! WAR IS HELL! You cannot qualify war in harsher terms than I will. War is cruelty, and you cannot refine it; and those who brought war into our country deserve all the curses and maledictions a people can pour out. AND THAT APPLIES TO THE DAMNABLE UTOY CREEK SNAIL DARTER AS WELL! <as an aside to his aide> Somebody write that down. It sounded really cool.

ATTACK, GENERAL ATTACK! I will see you next in Atlanta. <turns and gallops off>

[witpqs]

ENDANGERED SPECIES: Pubic enemy No.1

[Cap Mandrake]

ORIGINAL: witpqs

ENDANGERED SPECIES: Pubic enemy No.1

Indeed! The level of "deforestation" is accelerating. What can be done?! If a teen comes into my office for a sports physical and still has a virgin stand of forest, it is usually because they are trying out for the marching band....everyone else rarely has more than a few days of stubble.

[bobogoboom]

they are just being curtious.
&nbsp;
and that ladies and gentlmen was just a new low for me.

[Moondawggie]

Sorry I'm a little late here, but I vote the nickname "Hubba-Hubba" for Kimmel---it fits a guy who "so loves fireworks."

Mandrake, the AMT clobbered you too? My sympathies...

[Cap Mandrake]

Editor's Note: *****prepositions omitted to prserve the identity of the writer****

The ***** vignette ***** General Sherman has confused a number ** readers. Several have written expressing strong views ****, as the General was a biped, he could not reasonably have galloped. It is the view ** the Board **** the author, not uncharacteristically we might add, simply omitted the phrase "** horseback". The use ** horses by officers ** rank ** improve mobility was a common practice ** the time.

[Onime No Kyo]

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Editor's Note: *****prepositions omitted to prserve the identity of the writer****

The ***** vignette ***** General Sherman has confused a number ** readers. Several have written expressing strong views ****, as the General was a biped, he could not reasonably have galloped. It is the view ** the Board **** the author, not uncharacteristically we might add, simply omitted the phrase "** horseback". The use ** horses by officers ** rank ** improve mobility was a common practice ** the time.

Those prepositions can be quite the fingerprint. [:D]

[Cap Mandrake]

***********Batchelor Field, Darwin, 23:20, December 31, 1942**********

<A hirsute man in a dishevled US Army Captain's uniform walks along the tarmac. An impossibly enthusiatic man driving a jeep and humming a rhythmic tune drives up beside him.>

Impossibly enthusiatic man: Yossarian, you crazy SOB, why aren't you at Yossarian's Home ringing in the new year?

Hirsute man: I can't. It just reminds me that I have done all this before.

Impossibly enthusiatic man: Yossarian, you crazy, melancholy SOB, why don't you get some sleep then?

Hirsute man: Because my tent is now a winterized quonset hut and it's 91 dgrees at Goddamned midnight on Goddamned New Yar's Eve you crazy, impossibly enthusiastic SOB. Can I stay in your tent?

Impossibly enthusiatic man: Yossarian, you crazy SOB. Do you want people to think you are a homeotherm? <smiles broadly>

Hirsute man: <recoils reflexively> No, no I don't. Say, Milo, you crazy insomniac SOB, why aren't YOU at Yossarian's Home?


...to be continued....

[Onime No Kyo]

Those two should be charged per printed character.&nbsp;[:D]

[Cap Mandrake]

ORIGINAL: Onime No Kyo

Those two should be charged per printed character. [:D]

Perhaps you should take that up with Mr. Minderbinder..just bring a good lawyer. [;)]

[Cap Mandrake]

***********Batchelor Field, Darwin, 23:20, December 31, 1942**********

(cont.)

Impossibly enthusiatic man: I have a contract...and you might say I am campaigning for the Ohio vote.

Hirsute man: I don't see any voters from Ohio.

Impossibly enthusiatic man: Yossarian, you concrete-thinking SOB. You are looking OUTSIDE the box.

Hirsute man: I am not following you.

Impossibly enthusiatic man: Look INSIDE the box, you crazy SOB. <He point to a box sitting in the passenger seat of the jeep. The hirsute fellow looks inside and shrugs>

Hirsute man: Bent nails. I see bent nails. I see a box of bent nails in a jeep at Goddamn midnight and I still can't sleep.

Hirsute man: Yossarian, Yossarian. Do I have to explain everything? These are campaign leaflets.

Hirsute man: <he looks again> They still look like bent nails to me.

Impossibly entusiastic man Observe! <he grabs a handful of bent nails and tosses them all over the tarmac>

Hirsute man: Milo, you are a crazy SOB. I mean it.

Impossibly enthusiastic man <sighs with exasperation> Look..we are on a runway right?

Hirsute man: Yeah?

Impossibly enthusiastic man And what goes on the runway?

Hirsute man: Airplanes?

Impossibly enthusiastic man Excellent! Now we are getting somewhere. Now, what part of the airplane comes in contact with the runway?

Hirsute man: THE TIRES! THE TIRES!

Impossibly enthusiastic man By George I think he's got it! Now, the Japs are unloading transports at Dili, on Timor, which is 470 miles from here and the range of the Mitchel B-25C with minimal bomb load is?

Impossibly enthusiastic hirsute man: 480 MILES! IT'S 480!

Non-hirsute,impossibly enthusiastic manYES! YES! <stands up> AND WHO WILL JOIN ME?

Impossibly enthusiastic hirsute man: I WILL! <hops into jeep>

Non-hirsute,impossibly enthusiastic man SPLENID! <grabs handful of nails> OLANGAPOO AND YOSSARIAN TOO! <begins driving>

Impossibly enthusiastic hirsute man: OLANGAPOO AND YOSSARIAN TOO! <tosses handful of nails down the runway.......

[Cap Mandrake]

Speaking of being inside the box, Stalker Girl lent me her red BMW Roadster while my 328 is getting new brakes. I suppose that makes me a kept man?

[rtrapasso]

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Speaking of being inside the box, Stalker Girl lent me her red BMW Roadster while my 328 is getting new brakes. I suppose that makes me a kept man?

Only if you KEEP the BMW, methinks...[:'(]

[DuckofTindalos]

Stalker Girl has upgraded to Sugar Mommy...[:D]

[Cap Mandrake]

*********Former forward lines 7th Armoured, Northern Burma, 09:20, January 1, 1943********

Lt. Uppington-Smyth stands atop a small stump with traffic control flags in his hands. He has a badge affixed to his tunic which says "Official SPCA observer". A long line of British tanks are queued to pass through a carefully marked grid with colored flags.

The Lt. shouts, "Mind the yellow ones, those are hadrosaurs with their nesting young......"

[Cap Mandrake]

After a month of planning...extra supplies to Imphal, gaining air superiority over Northen Burma, a week of aerial bombardment...not to mention a torturous EIR process and much pressure from Whitehall....III Corps finally prepares their shock attack on the Japs North of the rail line.

All is ready. Over 130 25 Lbr guns (or larger caliber). Over 100 Grants, 60 Stuarts, 7 brigades of rested infantry and 360+ operational medium and heavy bombers and 100 P-38's dedicated to the operation.......and the Goddman Japs sneak out in the middle of the night. [:@]

[DuckofTindalos]

Ah yes, the Goddman Japs... Well known family of Australian outlaws...[:D]