Joke Thread

[robpost3]

Fire When Ready, Gridley - Navy & Urnials

This correspondence was recently unearthed in Annapolis.

USS GRIDLEY (DLG-21)
DLG-21/P L:wr
9000
Sor 520

Jul 10 1964

From: Commanding Officer, U.S.S. GRIDLEY (DLG-21)
To: Chief, Bureau of Ships
Subj: Urinals; height of

1. In a recent exchange of correspondence between Commander, Puget Sound Naval Shipyard and the Chief, Bureau of Ships, the Commander, Puget Sound Naval Shipyard on the basis of complaints by U.S.S. GRIDLEY (DLG-21) and U.S.S. REEVES (DLG-24) concerning ship sanitation, recommended that in future ship construction the urinals be installed at a height of 26 inches above the deck rather than the specified 23 inches. In response to the recommendation, the Chief, Bureau of Ships stated that the evidence cited did not justify a departure from the approved specifications on the height of urinal installation.

2. Since the original recommendation was made partly on the basis of complaints by GRIDLEY personnel and since there is an indication that GRIDLEY's complaint was not adequately justified, GRIDLEY has caused a more thorough inquiry into the facts.

3. A survey of ship's company has revealed that the tallest man in the crew is 6'6" and the shortest is 5'4". In a dry run, these two men have been posed at the urinals, at their present height of 23," and it has been determined that the tallest man has 15 inches clearance and the shortest 4 inches. Although GRIDLEY completely concurs in the desirability of fully documenting its recommendations it is considered that photographs may be, in this instance, omitted. At any rate, it may be seen from the above figures that even the shortest man in the crew would still have one inch clearance if the urinals were mounted 3 inches higher. Let there be no thought that there is anything wrong with GRIDLEY's marksmanship. We can hit them, but it must be realized that the longer the drop in flow, the higher the head and consequently the greater the splash. Splash is the nemesis of sanitation.

4. From GRIDLEY's measurements and from information gleaned from the almanac that the average height of the American male is increasing, it is clear to GRIDLEY that the urinals are too low and should be raised. It appears that the fault lies in the change in the type urinal and possibly the change in height of the average man since the specifications were written, and that there is no truth to the rumor that the man in BUSHIPS in charge of writing specifications for urinal heights is a midget and short coupled at that.

5. A change in specifications for future ships is earnestly recommended.

/S/
P.A. LILLY, Jr.

Copy to: PSNS, Brem. Wash.
CO, USS REEVES (DLG-24)

------- and the reply -------

Ser 423-2346

5 AUG 1964

Chief, Bureau of Ships

To: Commanding Officer, USS Gridley (DLG-21)
Subj: Urinals; height of
Ref: (a) USS GRIDLEY ltr Ser 520 dtd 10 July 1964
(b) NAVSHIPYD PUGET SOUND ltr Ser DLG-29/9360 dtd 1 April 1964
(c) BUSHIPS ltr 523-376 dtd 28 April 1964
(d) BUSHIPS ltr Ser 632A-377 dtd 2 June 1964

1. In response to reference (a), reference (b, (c) and (d) have dealt with the subject at length and should clearly indicate to the Commanding Officer, USS GRIDLEY, that the Chief, Bureau of Ships has by no means taken a hands-off stand in this matter.

2. In view of the delicate nature of the situation, considerable time and effort, both in-house and out, was directed at the subject. From this steady stream of information, the current Bureau Specification of 23" has been found to compare favorably with maritime, aviation and other industrial standards. Domestic engineering standards give the installed height of urinal lip as 20" to 21." The Crane Company catalog shows the height as 22." Although a unique relationship developed earlier by USS REEVES (DLG-24) between bowl size and trajectory appears valid, there is no known cure for splash. Habit, experience and care will minimize but not eliminate this problem regardless of a man's height relative to that of the urinal.

3. Based on the above, I feel that we are on firm if not dry ground with our current specification. A review of the suitability of the smaller vitreous china urinal will be made prior to next standard plans revision. In the interim, it is suggested that you utilize the technique recommended by the Fire Chief from Wichita Falls -- if you can't stand closer to the fire, reel out more hose.

s/W. A. BROCKETT

Copy to: USS REEVES
PUGET SOUND NAVSHIPYD

[cdbeck]

LOL, Rob, very nice.

Say, did you all hear about the Cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

[:D]

SoM

[cdbeck]

Just got this one in the mail from a friend:

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I
have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing."

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?' "

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will
put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the
bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible
phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their
cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female
parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the
beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
[/size][/font][font="arial"]
[/font]

[Procrustes]

[font="times new roman"]Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a Traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at The Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f__k off the car!"[/font] [font="arial"] [/font]

[Raverdave]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back. "Your f**king brother won't let me in without a tie."

[Raverdave]

Dangerous sayings... [/align]

---

1. A private saying, "I learned that in Basic...."

2. A Sgt saying, "Trust me, sir...."

3. A 2nd Lt saying, "Based upon my experience...."

4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking...."

5. A RSM chuckling, "Watch this sh1t...."[/align]

[robpost3]

AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC
Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving

Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia (SatireWire.com) — After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us."


Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added.

Panama, however, was not so lucky.

"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through."

When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it.

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.

U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd"[;)]

[Raverdave]

[:D][:D][:D][:D]

[Plodder]

Well, that's cleaned up the neighbourhood quite nicely [:D][:D]

[Raverdave]

I thought that our kiwi friends would have missed the "West Island" [;)]

[Plodder]

Other than holidays on the Gold Coast, nah,not really[;)] [:D].Besides it would have been mostly kiwi's doing all the shifting work anyway...[:'(]

[Dixie]

An airman is busy working with his head inside an aircraft concentrating on his work.  An officer walks up.
Officer:  Can you lend me £10?
The airman answers without turning round:  Sure mate.
Officer:  Excuse me airman, I think you'll find I'm an officer.  Shall we try that again?  Can you lend me £10?
Airman:  No sir!

[cdbeck]

That reminds me:

You know what the difference between The Almighty and a Surgeon is?

God doesn't think he is a surgeon.

SoM

[korrigan]

OK, I found this one to be quite cute.

Q: Do you know why women watch porn movies till the last minute?
A: Because they think the caracters will get maried in the end.

[;)]

[parusski]

I am now forced to admit that JudgeDredd has better control of his emotions than I hoped. I tried baiting the maniac on two different threads-I lost. So congrats to JD, he promised to stay calm when he started that stupid "goodwill thread", and he did. A medal is in order, any suggestion on what it should be called.

[JudgeDredd]

No need...please. Haven't you seen me...I have all the gold braid I can handle! [;)]

[parusski]

Oh the modesty. It overwhelms me. Let me know about the PBEM.[&o]

[Brigz]

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
Did you help him? She asks.
No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there! "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be Ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk.

[robpost3]

Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek

10. Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40

9. The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?

And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

8. Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."

Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

7. Seatbelts.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"

6. No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and another SF show on TV:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look
pensive."

Firefly:

Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?

3. Technobabble.
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.

2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.

[Jam_USMC]

Had to get this thread back up near the top.
 
Another "Insert the politicians name" joke.
 
A man walks into a bar, takes a seat and watches the television set.
On the screen is Hillary Clinton giving a speech.
The man says, "My God! I hate that woman. She reminds me of a horse's a--!
The moment he says the words another patron clubs the man aside the head.
The man says, "What the?... What is this, Clinton Country?
The bartender answers. "No sir. This is horse country."