Sure, I was disappointed, but by deduction, I knew it had to be someone from the HA come to check on my "compliance" (appropriately, this is the same term the police use when describing painful positions they put a suspect in to get them to do what they want). I head to the door to give her a wave and show her the beautiful Zen garden. As soon as I step outside, she slams the car into gear and pulls away as if I were wearing a Jason mask and carrying a chainsaw dripping with human blood. Oh well, no harm, surely she can see the effort. Three days later, the day before my sod arrives, I get a letter from the HA addressed to "Mandrake Residence". Here, I have to admit, despite years of tutoring, my house has not learned to talk and isn't even remotely close to being able to read. So, I decide to open the letter and read it aloud so the "residence" can hear.
"Attention Homeowner" (oh, maybe they want to talk to me too)
"As you have not complied with our previous order to repair damaged front yard landscaping, a hearing has been scheduled with the Architectural Compliance and Digital Rectal Exam Committee for Thursday, Nov. 15 at 11:30...blah, blah, blah...you may wish to bring legal counsel with you [X(]...blah, blah, blah....
Sincerely,
Eva Braun
Archictectual Compliance Representative"
After I did some deep breathing and "Serenity Now" chanting, I felt better. I called and left a pleasant message, indicating the work was essentially done and if the inspector had deigned to roll down her window instead of retreating in panic from the clearly possessed homeowner, she would scarcely have failed to notice the hard work and the olfactory impact of the work of at least 100 beeves. The next day, I and a crew rolled in a bout 2600 sq ft of sod. It looks fantastic, but got no phone call from the HA. So I called back. This time Miss Braun answered:
"oh, yes, sorry I didn't call back. Everything is fine. Someone from the office went out to check."
"But what about the hearing?"
"Oh, don't worry about that. Its just a formality."
"Perhaps, but you did attach a list of all sorts of terrible punishments. I would liek some type of confirmation that the matter is closed."
"Right, I just gave it to you."
"That is good to hear, but I would like something in writing"
"We don't have it." (this is beginning to sound oddly familiar)
"What do you mean, you dont have it."
"I mean, We don't have it."
"Pardon me? You don't have what?"
"The form for a closed compliance issue. We are out."
"Well, the hearing letter is very intimidating. I would still like something in writing."
"Well, I suppose I could type something up." (I imagine her holding the phone in her neck while she examines her newly painted nails)
"I would appreciate that, thank you (it doesn't do any good to get aggressive at this point..the letter-writing campaign will come after I get the dismissal letter)
I, or more accurately my house, did get another letter from Ms. Braun. Now she is saying she has to come out and inspect again and then present it to the Board of Directors. I think she is purposely trying to torture me, but it could just be I need my medicine adjusted. Clearly I need to start taping phone conversations too. I still need to keep my mouth shut. One poor guy had to write a public apology letter published in the HA newspaper after he cut down an oak tree on his own property without permission. As part of the settlement, he also underwent a castration procedure.
