From here to...well...it SEEMS like an eternity

[Cap Mandrake]

There is some serious mojo going on around here. I forgot to mention what happened Thursday with my housekeeper. She is Mayan. I'm not kidding. She is from Yucatan and her profile is like one of the carvings on the pyramids at Chichen Itza. Spanish is her second language. I'm not sure what her first language is...Que'cha or something like that. She is, generously, about 4 ft 10 and, I am guessing, 40ish. Why am I telling you all this? Well, it is sort of germane. She is a good worker (although, I have learned that, in her hands bleach is a chemical weapon and that I need to hide any wool slacks less they be converted to shorts in the washer) but it has never occured to me to see her in a carnal light. OK, enough of the preamble.

Wednesday, I was repairing and tuning the sprinklers so I put on my surfer-style board shorts so I could stand in the spray and adjust the sprinklers with a screwdriver. A couple of times, when I got hungry I would go into the kitchen to make a gin and tonic and she was in there unloading the dishwasher or something. OK, here is the wierd part. The next morning I am getting ready to go to a dental appointment (which turned into a root canal) and she is putting some laundry away in my dresser. She got this excceedingly odd look on her face and started giggling and said "Yo lavo su bikini, doctor" (literally "I wash your bikini" in the present tense). Then she gets all red in the face and does the "aw shucks" body language.

Wow. What is up with that? I finally simply say "Gracias". I suppose she was just embarrassed that her joke might not go over but I am here to say there was some kind of undertow. This is beginning to feel like a secret gag and there is a production crew hiding in the attic laughing there arses off. I am wondering where the hidden cameras are.

[Cap Mandrake]

..aaah...this was just stupid

[Cap Mandrake]

The aerial slaughter of the 12th elevates an RAF ace and removes a second from the scene.

It seems Sqdrn Leader Carey has nothing more to learn. I believe he shot down 8 in one day [X(]

If the RAF had spent more money on young Hoare's plane, he might still be alive too.

[witpqs]

Did she ever work in Idaho?

[rtrapasso]

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

..aaah...this was just stupid

Which one of the things i said? [&:] [:'(]

Seriously, you might look into the possibility that gin and tonic causes pheromone release in males - it seems to be a common factor in your close encounters of the uncomfortable kind...[X(] [:D]

[Canoerebel]

This sounds like some kind of Before Action Report.

[Cap Mandrake]

ORIGINAL: rtrapasso

Which one of the things i said? [&:] [:'(]

I was trying to one-up your neutron joke with a neutrino joke. Something about gold chains and organized crime. It didn't work.

Seriously, you might look into the possibility that gin and tonic causes pheromone release in males - it seems to be a common factor in your close encounters of the uncomfortable kind...[X(] [:D]

The juniper berry is one of God's gifts to mankind so you might be onto something, but there is also the postiive wallet biopsy thing that makes me nervous.

Out of the blue, my brother called and without scarcely a hello proceded to tell me three horror stories of guys he worked with and
their near or real disasters with women. One guy nearly got murdered in a Spanish hotel and might have been if not for a timely warning from the sympathetic bellman. There was a decided stalker theme. The guy is either psychic or one of my kids talked to him.

Now I am off to work where 90% of the employees are female and the Human Resources folks like to stage a public execution of some wayward male employee every once in a while just to keep us in line.

Here is the sexual harassment video they showed at work.

http://ihor1.multiply.com/video/item/6

[VSWG]

ORIGINAL: rtrapasso

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

..aaah...this was just stupid

Which one of the things i said? [&:] [:'(]

Seriously, you might look into the possibility that gin and tonic causes pheromone release in males - it seems to be a common factor in your close encounters of the uncomfortable kind...[X(] [:D]

Let's try a scientific approach: your housekeeper is from Yucatan - that's a malarial region, right? There's quinine in tonic, which is a known anti-malarial drug...

Any volunteers for a scientific series of tests involving gin tonics and Latinas? [:)]

[Cap Mandrake]

ORIGINAL: VSWG


Let's try a scientific approach: your housekeeper is from Yucatan - that's a malarial region, right? There's quinine in tonic, which is a known anti-malarial drug...

Any volunteers for a scientific series of tests involving gin tonics and Latinas? [:)]

Hmmm? Interesting thesis. It did seem like that last bottle of Bombay Sapphire disappeared kinda fast. I thought my son stole it....but....

BTW..there is already a proven strategy for Latinas...body shots with Cazadores. This involves "humidifying" an exposed body part of one's body shot compatriot (generally the underside of the wrist or elbow flexion on the first round, perhaps moving to the neck or somewhere else on the second round NOTE: One should generally ask permission first to avoid embarassing social situations), then dusting with margarita salt, taking a shot of Cazadores, a squirt of lime and then licking off the salt. The compatriot is then granted similar access. For the second round, one may easily skip the Cazadores and switch to a house tequila to save a few bucks, but the application and removal of the salt is key. At this point, the neocortex has now been detached from the limbic system. A third round may seem like a good idea at the time but may well prove disastrous. In any event, a taxi ride is advised unless some poor schlub is the desingated driver.

Also note: Hirsute men may find this an unsuccessful technique.

[Cap Mandrake]

...sorry about the auto-spamming. I will behave myself.

[Cap Mandrake]

*************Oval Office, White House, Sept 15, 1942*************


<A tall man with patrician features stands behind a beautiful desk first acquired by Millard Fillmore. Admiral King and Genral Marshall pause respectfully at the double, hand-carved mohagany doors.>

Patrician Guy: .....One hundred twenty two, one hundred twenty three, one hundred twenty four..

Gen. Marshall: Mr. President sir, it's time for your Presidential Daily Briefing.

Patrician Guy: <flubs bolo streak> DAMNIT! That was a White House RECORD! <his mood changes immediately as Ritalin is not yet in widespread use> Oh, all right, come in. Say have you guys seen the new intern? Wowser! This is a cool gig.

Gen. Marshall: <he and Admiral King move toward the erstwhile POTUS> Sir, I have good news! Marine and US Army units have captured Eastern Island today with the surrender or elimination of all Japanese defenders.

Patrician Guy: Whoa, that is waaay cool! What about all those statues?

Gen. Marshall: Statues sir?

Patrician Guy: Yeah, you know. <he stands rigidly upright, arms at his side, making a frowning face> The lava rock, why is my head so square and my legs buried in the ground guys.

Gen. Marshall: Oh, I believe you me Easter Island, sir?

Patrician Guy: Isn't that what you said. I had no idea the Japs had got so far, the little yellow bastards.

Gen. Marshall: Oh, no sir, I said EASTERN ISLAND. It's part of Midway Atoll.

Patrician Guy: Wait, it IS part of Midway or it ISN'T at all.

Gen. Marshall: It IS an atoll, sir.

Patrician Guy: Look, IS it or ISN'T it?

Gen. Marshall: Is it or isn't it what sir?

Patrician Guy: Oy, my head hurts. Did I tell you guys these Scotch bottles are magic? <grabs a 200 year old crystal decanter>

Gen. Marshall: Magic, sir?

Patrician Guy: Yeah, watch this. <he empties the decanter into his glass then carries it over to a small cherry wood cart> If I go to the can or something the Godamned thing will be full when I get out, but if I jsut watch it..nothing. Damned amazing, if you ask me.

Adm. King: Sir, perhaps I should give you the Naval SitRep?

Patrician Guy: Oh, please don't. I HATE exercise.

Adm. King: Exercise, sir?

Patrician Guy: Yeah, Sit Rep. Sit, stand, sit , stand..blah, blah blah

Adm. King: Oh, no sir. I meant the situation in the Pacific.

Patrician Guy: Well, speakee de Enleesh. How is the Bee?

Adm. King: The Bee, sir

Patrician Guy: Yeah, the Bee, the Bee. The insect boat.

Adm. King: Oh, you mean the Wasp sir. She is safely at Pearl again. The Japs tried to intercept her but she hid out at Midway Atoll.

Patrician Guy: Oh, for the love of Christ! Not you too?...

[DuckofTindalos]

Good Lord![:D][:D][:D]

[Cap Mandrake]

ORIGINAL: Naskra

Is it true Heisenberg ran over and killed Schrodinger's cat?

We may never know. It seems probable though.

[rtrapasso]

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

ORIGINAL: Naskra

Is it true Heisenberg ran over and killed Schrodinger's cat?

We may never know. It seems probable though.

Heisenberg was looking at his speedometer, so he didn't really know if he hit the cat - it hasn't been seen since, and it is not known if it is alive or dead... [:'(]

[Cap Mandrake]

********Sodium Bar, Near Lawrence Livermore, Nightime, I have no idea what day************

Na-24: Man, I am not feeling so hot all of a sudden. I am going to hit the can.

Na-23: Roger that. I will entertain myself for a bit.

<Na-24 heads off to the can. "Disco Man" comes on the sound system and an annoying mirrored ball begins to spin above. Shortly after he disappears into the can, there is a flash of blue light and the room warms imperceptibly. Nobody takes notice. Shortly afterward 24 heads back to the bar. He slaps 23 on the shoulder>

24: Bartender! Another round here please.

Na-23: <turns to face his benefactor> Do I know you?

24: What do you mean, 23? Did you have another round wihile I was in the can? You need to pace yourself.

Na-23: 24?

24: Well...yeah.

Na-23: O Jesus, man. It happened. Didn't you look in the mirror when you were washing your hands with the non-aqueous hand wash?

24: Well, no. I didn't wash my hands.

Na-23: Jesus, man. Why didn't you tell me that before I ordered the three-bean dip. Anyway. It's like this, dood. I am pretty sure you are Magnesium. Beta decay. It had to happen.

Mg-24: Oh crap! But I had at least 14 hrs left.

Na-23: Man, it don't work that way.

Mg-24: But I don't want to be Magnesium!

Na-23: Hey, cheer up. Maybe you will decay to Neon, that would be cool. Or better yet, even Oxygen. I hear Oxygen bars are the bees knees. Here, let me check <pulls out a pocket protector with decay chains>. Let's see, Magnesium....24...oh!

Mg-24: What? What's wrong?

Na-23: You are stable man. Magnesium it is.

Mg-24: Oh Hell!

Bartender: <approaches with two shot glasses, then stops abruptly> Hey, wait a minute! We don't serve his kind here. <points at Mg-24> He will have to leave.

Mg-24: <turns and leaves silently, head bowed>

Na-23: Stay in touch, man. And lay off the smoking if you know what's good for you.<turns to bartender> Man, that is way harsh.

Bartender: Company policy. Not my call. No divalent cations here. They hog all the monovalent anions. They aren't happy until they have two each, or, even worse, a whole posse of Sulfur and Oxygen. Damn preverts. Is that what you want?

Na-23: No, I see your point. I'll take both shots. <turns to scan the bar and immediately fixes his gaze on a hot Chlorine atom coming his way. She has a cool horizontal line that hovers above her. Quietly he asks himself> What is up with that? <as she approaches he feels a strange attraction. Even his barstool begins to tip>.....

[DuckofTindalos]

Oh, God... He's gone Periodic Table on us...[:D]

[Onime No Kyo]

Whew! Thank Thread for that Mandrake. Most of that last joke went completely over my head. Also, I am happy to report that although I've heard about Schroedinger's Cat, I dont think I ever really understood it, except, maybe, when reduced to its simplest terms. That means I'm not as big a geek as I was afraid I was. Woohoo! [:D]

[rtrapasso]

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

********Sodium Bar, Near Lawrence Livermore, Nightime, I have no idea what day************

Na-24: Man, I am not feeling so hot all of a sudden. I am going to hit the can.

Na-23: Roger that. I will entertain myself for a bit.

<Na-24 heads off to the can. "Disco Man" comes on the sound system and an annoying mirrored ball begins to spin above. Shortly after he disappears into the can, there is a flash of blue light and the room warms imperceptibly. Nobody takes notice. Shortly afterward 24 heads back to the bar. He slaps 23 on the shoulder>

24: Bartender! Another round here please.

Na-23: <turns to face his benefactor> Do I know you?

24: What do you mean, 23? Did you have another round wihile I was in the can? You need to pace yourself.

Na-23: 24?

24: Well...yeah.

Na-23: O Jesus, man. It happened. Didn't you look in the mirror when you were washing your hands with the non-aqueous hand wash?

24: Well, no. I didn't wash my hands.

Na-23: Jesus, man. Why didn't you tell me that before I ordered the three-bean dip. Anyway. It's like this, dood. I am pretty sure you are Magnesium. Beta decay. It had to happen.

Mg-24: Oh crap! But I had at least 14 hrs left.

Na-23: Man, it don't work that way.

Mg-24: But I don't want to be Magnesium!

Na-23: Hey, cheer up. Maybe you will decay to Neon, that would be cool. Or better yet, even Oxygen. I hear Oxygen bars are the bees knees. Here, let me check <pulls out a pocket protector with decay chains>. Let's see, Magnesium....24...oh!

Mg-24: What? What's wrong?

Na-23: You are stable man. Magnesium it is.

Mg-24: Oh Hell!

Bartender: <approaches with two shot glasses, then stops abruptly> Hey, wait a minute! We don't serve his kind here. <points at Mg-24> He will have to leave.

Mg-24: <turns and leaves silently, head bowed>

Na-23: Stay in touch, man. And lay off the smoking if you know what's good for you.<turns to bartender> Man, that is way harsh.

Bartender: Company policy. Not my call. No divalent cations here. They hog all the monovalent anions. They aren't happy until they have two each, or, even worse, a whole posse of Sulfur and Oxygen. Damn preverts. Is that what you want?

Na-23: No, I see your point. I'll take both shots. <turns to scan the bar and immediately fixes his gaze on a hot Chloride atom coming his way. She has a cool horizontal line that hovers above her. Quietly he asks himself> What is up with that? <as she approaches he feels a strange attraction. Even his barstool begins to tip>.....

[:D] [:D] [:D]

i wonder if that Chlorine is from Idaho??? [:'(]

[Cap Mandrake]

ORIGINAL: rtrapasso

i wonder if that Chlorine is from Idaho??? [:'(]

It just occured to me I said "Chloride" instead of "Chlorine". You have it right.

You had to mention Idaho, didn't you? I just got an email from stalker-girl. She informed me that with the aid of picture of me from her cell phone, a hot tub and a bottle of Kentucky confectionary, she indulged in some "me time". [:-] She also said she had a new $60 wax and a plane ticket for the 5th [X(] She also reports she is going to buy some "stuff" down here because she doesn't want TSA looking through her luggage. Maybe I should just put a big ring in my nose to aid in the "leading around".

Help!..Mommy!

PS...I think my housekeeper felt bad about the bikini crack (joke) because she bought me a pair of really nice crystal beer glasses. Very nice gesture. Still, I hope she expects no quid pro quo in services.



*************10th USAAF Air Force HQ, Dacca, 19:40, Sept 15, 1942*************


Gen. Chennault: What is the latest from the Lashio raid?

CO, 5th G(H): We lost 10 Forts, sir, 6 to triple A and the Tonys and 4 on the trip back due to battle damage or weather.


Gen. Chennault: And the Japs.


CO, 5th G(H): 6 or 7 Tonys in the air, an unkown number, perhaps as much as ten, on the ground. BDA from the Lightnings showed nearly 50 bomb craters on the runway...........

[witpqs]

Maybe they're gonna fight over you. Think 'mud wrestling'! [:D]