Goblinfest '41 (Bernie vs Goblin Xmas of '41)

[Bernie]

Okay, and now for something completely different...

What if... WWII was started by the Brits and Soviets? What if, Canada, Australia (ANZAC), and India (all the British nation states) were up against Allies that include the US, Germany, most of Europe and Japan?

To test this idea, I challenged Goblin to take the part of the US in December of 1941 and have a meeting engagement with a British force somewhere in Europe. The terrain is rugged, the visibility is pretty good, there's small towns and semi-frozen rivers. We'll be playing with most options on, but C&C is off. Limited ammo is definately ON in this battle. True troop is on/rarity is off. No strike elements or aircraft of any kind (I set air elements to 0 for both). How will American forces do against the Limeys? Stay tuned and find out.

(For those interested in following the action we're using Wild Bill's Eastern Europe - Winter 1 map)

[Belisarius]

This will be good..... *rubs hands*

[Goblin]

Ok,

Predictions.... I'm gonna get plastered! America in '41 had boyscouts with spears. I'm game, though. Bernie, it did give me the option to take transport aircraft! Not commenting on if I took 'em. Looking forward to scraping the paint off of Matilda II's!:eek:

Goblin- A Goblin is pessimistic

[mogami]

Originally posted by Goblin
Ok,

Predictions.... I'm gonna get plastered! America in '41 had boyscouts with spears. I'm game, though. Bernie, it did give me the option to take transport aircraft! Not commenting on if I took 'em. Looking forward to scraping the paint off of Matilda II's!:eek:

Goblin- A Goblin is pessimistic

Lulu Belle is just going to pretend she did'nt hear that.

[Bernie]

Originally posted by Goblin
Ok,

Predictions.... I'm gonna get plastered! America in '41 had boyscouts with spears. I'm game, though. Bernie, it did give me the option to take transport aircraft! Not commenting on if I took 'em. Looking forward to scraping the paint off of Matilda II's!:eek:

Goblin- A Goblin is pessimistic

Yeah, I saw that it offered you transport aircraft when I was setting it up. They're not counted as strike elements by the game engine. Well, I guess I'll just have to rely on my AA units... Check out the stats on the 3' AA... Nice!

As for getting "plastered", maybe at the party afterwards (winner buys the beer). USA may have had boyscouts with spears, and Brits had Matilda's, but have you ever tried driving one of those through a swamp? That's what we're fighting over.


Very nice opening 75mm and 155mm salvo's...actually came close enough to one infantry unit to produce casualties. And of course you took down the bridges my armor units had just crossed, so now they can't retreat from those spear carrying boyscouts...

Just one question... How do you plan on reloading all that expensive OB arty?

[Goblin]

Don't worry about my ammo. I took guns with lotso rounds, and I took lotso arty this time too!

As Ace Ventura would say, 'Allllllrighty then!'. Ended my first turn, and have spotted not-a-one fish and chips eatin' optimist (Brit for you slow people) At the pub, enjoying a Guinness? Shooting darts and wishing you hadn't blown it in the New World? Here Britty, Britty, Britty. Tally-ho and all that. Whats the airspeed of an unladen African swallow? Is there someone else in the castle we can talk to?

Goblin- A Goblin is an ambassador of goodwill;)

[Bernie]

Originally posted by Goblin
Don't worry about my ammo. I took guns with lotso rounds, and I took lotso arty this time too!

As Ace Ventura would say, 'Allllllrighty then!'. Ended my first turn, and have spotted not-a-one fish and chips eatin' optimist (Brit for you slow people) At the pub, enjoying a Guinness? Shooting darts and wishing you hadn't blown it in the New World? Here Britty, Britty, Britty. Tally-ho and all that. Whats the airspeed of an unladen African swallow? Is there someone else in the castle we can talk to?

Goblin- A Goblin is an ambassador of goodwill;)

You Americans! So impetuous!

Yes, you took guns with quite a few rounds, but quantity will not make up for quality. How many of those rounds are you planning to use to take down that wooden bridge you've been pounding for two turns now? The one over the frozen river? The frozen river you can drive a tank across? Eh, wot?

Those 75mm shells could be made of papier-mache' for all the good they're doing you.

Oh! Wait one... Messenger from the bridge... He's handing me a note... He says, and I quote, "They're all over the bleedin place! The troops are collecting them for toilet paper!" Oh, right then... You've been dropping leaflets! Oh, I say, that
does explain why you're not hurting anything! Let's see what they say then, shall we? "Inspected by #42"? Wait, here's another... "For transportation only. Replace with explosive before using." Here's one more... "Requires 104 AAA batteries. (batteries not included)" One more, "Die you confederate scum!"? (Had these around for a bit, did you?) Alright then, let's be on with again... What? One more? No, really, we don't have time for this. There's a war on, you know. The chaps at the bridge say this is the best one? Alright then, one last, but that's it. Okay, we have one final one from the barrage at the bridge... Let's see now...it says... Why, I can't read it... It's in Japanese! What? Turn it over? Oh, right! It says, "You will meet a tall handsome stranger. Your lucky numbers are 12, 27, 44" Then in very, very tiny print at the bottom it says, "Hu U Ki Ding Fortune Cookie Co. Osaka, Japan" Oh, I say, that IS a good one!

You Americans! Always joking around!

[Goblin]

For some reason, I cannot seem to get three batteries of my 75mm guns to STOP FIRING! You would think they were jar-heads or something, with how gung-ho they are. This includes the battery on that bridge. The Battery Commander used to be a carpenter, and I am convinced he intends to sandpaper the bridge away with 75 grain paper!

Hmmm... Where are all the Brits? Did you hear that our new comrades, the nice Nazis, were coming and ran off? You world conquering Colonialist! 'There is nothing to fear, save the Brits themselves'.

Are British girls really ugly? I need to know, because when we get to London I plan on celebrating our victory! Local pub, a nice American brewski, and a chick that don't hurt the eyes. Oh yeah!:p

Goblin- A Goblin thinks ahead

[Bernie]

Originally posted by Goblin
For some reason, I cannot seem to get three batteries of my 75mm guns to STOP FIRING! You would think they were jar-heads or something, with how gung-ho they are. This includes the battery on that bridge. The Battery Commander used to be a carpenter, and I am convinced he intends to sandpaper the bridge away with 75 grain paper!

Hmmm... Where are all the Brits? Did you hear that our new comrades, the nice Nazis, were coming and ran off? You world conquering Colonialist! 'There is nothing to fear, save the Brits themselves'.

Are British girls really ugly? I need to know, because when we get to London I plan on celebrating our victory! Local pub, a nice American brewski, and a chick that don't hurt the eyes. Oh yeah!:p

Goblin- A Goblin thinks ahead

The only thing you'll be seeing in London is the Tower... Before we lop of your head!

By the way lad, I do believe you have some sort of problem in your rear areas. Why, I distinctly heard the sounds of British mortars back there, don't you know?

Could it be that some of our Special Air Service chaps have gotten impatient waiting for you to join the battle with something other than cheap Japanese artillery?

[Goblin]

I STILL cannot order those batteries to quit firing!

Your commandos found my tanks! I accidently (clicked while mouse jumped) moved next to a unit (turns out 3 or 4 units) and a tank was immobilized. But, they found the tanks with 3 MG's each! I killed 50 or 60 of the SOB's. I can see several more, and will find all of the others. Poor things. Just like 1812.

Did you notice the SAS in the game are not 'elite'? I think that should be fixed. They don't get more elite than that.

Looks like we got a tank battle brewing! I see quite a few cruiser tanks. Tank duel! Even an infantry lover has to admit there is something pure and honest about a tank battle!

Realizing that I had no Spec Ops, and you did, I took precautions. Just have your guys not move, and pray they aren't found.

Goblin- A Goblin guards his back:)

[Bernie]

Originally posted by Goblin
I STILL cannot order those batteries to quit firing!

Your commandos found my tanks! I accidently (clicked while mouse jumped) moved next to a unit (turns out 3 or 4 units) and a tank was immobilized. But, they found the tanks with 3 MG's each! I killed 50 or 60 of the SOB's. I can see several more, and will find all of the others. Poor things. Just like 1812.

Did you notice the SAS in the game are not 'elite'? I think that should be fixed. They don't get more elite than that.

Looks like we got a tank battle brewing! I see quite a few cruiser tanks. Tank duel! Even an infantry lover has to admit there is something pure and honest about a tank battle!

Realizing that I had no Spec Ops, and you did, I took precautions. Just have your guys not move, and pray they aren't found.

Goblin- A Goblin guards his back:)

Well, when my chaps infiltrate, by gosh they infiltrate!
One group of commandos wound up on the other side of a bush from a major lagger point for your Stuarts. Of course, they had no idea either was there until one poor sod went to "water" the bush! Ouch! 37mm circumcision!

One of our BBC radio crews were on hand and managed to capture the unhappy event. I'll attach their recording here (if possible) using a .doc extension...change it to .wav to play it.

[Goblin]

We've got a heck of a tank battle heating up in the south swamplands of our map. Bernie has a mix of tanks, with quite a few CS units (packing 3 inch and 3.7 inch howitzers!) I have also seen some Stuarts, Cruisers, Crusaders, and MK II Mediums. I am engaging them with a company of Stuarts. There are now flaming wrecks dotting both sides.

I keep killing commandos by the score, but they must be using Viagra like Bernies Mobelwagons the other day! They are giving him good info on my lines, and also making me move around to avoid arty fire! I had another company of Stuarts (3 MGs each!) assigned to rear security/reserve duty, and these guys are keeping them busy!

Not much else going on anywhere else. I killed three commando units and an SAS squad, I believe.

Right then, ol' chap. Let's sit down and agree to terms for your surrender to us Americans. Shouldn't be anything new to England. You probably have a 'How to Surrender to Americans' manual.

Goblin- A Goblin recalls history

[Bernie]

Originally posted by Goblin
Right then, ol' chap. Let's sit down and agree to terms for your surrender to us Americans. Shouldn't be anything new to England. You probably have a 'How to Surrender to Americans' manual.

Goblin- A Goblin recalls history

Well, you Americans finally seem to have gotten your artillery crews to leave that poor bridge alone. Of course, you've dropped enough leaflets on the area that had we not had the bridge in the first place we could have driven across on the pile of paper.

You have however, started shelling the tanks down in the south central swamp (not to be confused with south central LA, though there does seem to be similarities... drive by shootings, etc). I really must protest this! One of our Stuart crews suffered massive paper cuts when one of those leaflet bombs of yours detonated directly over their tank. Firing bales of paper at tanks! Dumb! Dumb! (And as we know, the Geneva Convention outlaws dum-dums, we simply must protest this barbaric behaviour!)

Our own artillery has just finished up their afternoon tea and begun demonstrating how it should be done to the American crews. Several volleys of 8 inch guns seems to have taken the starch out of the American drive.

Commando teams behind enemy lines have been busily plotting coordinates and more artillery volleys will follow.

[Bernie]

Press Release for immediate distribution:

The British ambassador today filed formal charges in Geneva against an American unit commanded by the notorious Captain Goblin.

The charges stem from an incident where an artillery unit attached to Captain Goblin's rear fired a round of deadly "dum-dum leaflets" at a courageous British Stuart tank crew, inflicting upon them severe and painful paper cuts over 75% of their bodies.

World condemnation of this horrific attack was swift.

The American Congress launched an immediate investigation into the charges, promising to "get to the bottom of what is going on in Captain Goblin's rear" and to "take appropriate action to rectify the problem and punish those responsible".

The chairman of the committee, who is also the senior senator from Louisiana, Hon. Bubba T. Buttcrak, made the attached statement to BBC reporters:

(Sound file attached with .txt extension, change to .wav to play)

[Goblin]

You've got less plotters now. I killed another 20-30 commandos. They did get a tank! I also got a coupla of the more thin skinned tanks in our duel.

Goblin- A Goblin has a SCREAMING baby in his lap, and can't type anymore:mad:

PS- Thats COLONEL Goblin!

[mogami]

poor little baby is screaming from watching you handle armoured cars and tanks. (...inside baby head "I don't want to go for a ride!!!!" )( "where is daddy's infantry?) ("no daddy don't move there, send some recon first aaahhhhhhh bbaalllaahhhh ccccaahhgf")

[Bernie]

Originally posted by Goblin
You've got less plotters now. I killed another 20-30 commandos. They did get a tank! I also got a coupla of the more thin skinned tanks in our duel.

Goblin- A Goblin has a SCREAMING baby in his lap, and can't type anymore:mad:

PS- Thats COLONEL Goblin!

Err, right... Colonel Sanders... errr...Colonel Goober...err... Colonel Goblin...that's it!

The baby is probably upset that you're wasting all your OB artillery rounds on targets that aren't there.


So, Colonel Klink...errr...Gobbler...err...Gumby...Goblin... Just how many mines did you put out there? Nevermind, my chaps are finding them all for you. Not much else to do while my commandos are busy assaulting your reserve forces...

[Goblin]

This round I got 80 to 100 more commandos. One group of thirty or so were in a 150m wide swamp, with no cover (other than franticly thrown some grenades) on 3 sides. With the amount of lead I was flinging, it looked more like a guyser!:eek:

Couldn't do much with my tanks, they've been popped so many times, they won't do anything. The tank duel in the southern swamp is winding down, pending the arrival of more armor!:p

Mines? I can't provide you with numbers, you are the enemy!;)

Goblin- A Goblin is tight-lipped

[mogami]

Goodevening Mogami Matrixnews reporting from the front.
There seems to be a great deal of confusion here among the US,
here for a live interview is their commanding Officer

[mogami]

Mogami: So tell me sir how is the battle going?

Goblin: RUN AWAY! huh?, oh fine excuse me"

runs into swamp

A moment later reappears