Bring me the head of Diego Garcia...and the Mayor of Addu Atoll too!

[Cap Mandrake]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barry_Minkow

[Chickenboy]

Yay! Goody! More disease and pestilence in the Pacific!

Please keep us-urrp--updated on the---brack--battlin' British borborygmus battalions of Batavia, Bali and Balikpapan.

[Chickenboy]

The fact that the guy referred to you as "Cap Mandrake" ought to be a red flag for the origin of his malware information, neh? [;)]

[USSAmerica]

ORIGINAL: Chickenboy

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake
she was billed as being "crate trained", which as far as I can tell means she wont **** in a crate, just everywhere else.

Yeah, that's what that means, alright. PM me if you want some dog housebreaking tips. Oh, you may want to invest in a carpet cleaner and new shoes too.

Tile floors, my man! Tile floors! [;)]

[USSAmerica]

Well, after several strange looks from the nearby cubes at my office, 3 tissues to wipe tears from my eyes, and a handy way to survive a mind numbing phone conference, I've finally caught up you the crazy antics of Cap and sprior.  [8D]

Great carnage so far, gents!  Keep up the good fight, and remember, "Don't taunt the Bully Beef!"  [:D]

[Cap Mandrake]

Madre de Dios!

You know those 4 Jap carriers that disappeared into the primoridal mists of the Coral Sea? well, we found them. They showed up off Sydney again, sinking USS Helena and possibly one or two DD's.

They appear to be out of torpedoes but must have bought some 250 kg bombs from the Maori or something as they could not have made it to any Jap port.

If they choose to stay again and do a port attack there is little we can do about it.

The good news:

1) At least Enterprise did not blunder into the double back.

2) A goodly number of fast AP's appear to have made an escape toward South Island, NZ.

3) The convoy of P-39 reinforcements for Sydney is safe.

[Cap Mandrake]

***********With the RAN bomb disposal unit, Sydney Harbour, January 17, 1942**********


The crew have been digging for hours in wet mud to disarm an errant Jap bomb that reamains UXB.


Lt. in command of crew: <peers into hole> Right, everybody out! I am going to try to disarm it. <As the diggers climb out, he descends into the reinforced pit. He pours a bit of his tea over the markings to remove the mud. It can be read partially.."..Mk 82-C, M&M Ent....">


CRICKEY! THIS ONE'S IN ENGLISH!

[sprior]

Looks like Johny Jap is heading towards Soerabaja. Tarakan holds out for another day.

Rangoon fell, the IJA seems to have paused to ransack the sherbert dips. Lucky all the Curly Wurlies were at Mandalay.

And today boys and girls we learned it takes 3 days to get your ships ready for sea if they're in the shipyard.

[khyberbill]

Are Curly Wurlies the same as Fuzzy Wuzzies? Or are they frozen french fries?

[sprior]

This isn't Dad's Army you know, we're a highly trained professional force who respects our fruit-wielding opponents.

[sprior]

What are french fies? Corned dog, biscuits and lashings of hot sweet tea.

[Chickenboy]

ORIGINAL: sprior

This isn't Dad's Army you know, we're a highly trained professional force who respects our fruit-wielding opponents.

Good thing too. You never know when your opponent is going to come at you with some loganberries. Or bananas. Have you done the requisite training on cherries yet-both red and black?

[Chickenboy]

ORIGINAL: sprior
And today boys and girls we learned it takes 3 days to get your ships ready for sea if they're in the shipyard.

Sounds like some pencil pusher didn't have the requisite triplicate forms in hand to effect a timely port departure. Some brainless bureaucratic twit should be put up against a wall. Say-who is the theater commander of Rangoon anyways? Sounds like ripe grounds for lodging a formal complaint.

Maybe a nicely worded reminder from the commander, USN would be helpful for keeping their house in order?

[:'(]

[Mynok]

Hey! That same brainless wunderkind works in MY shipyards too.....how bizarre......[:'(]

[BrucePowers]

You guys are all wrong. That's how long it takes to flood the dry dock, then you have to pressure check the boilers (you dobn't want one bursting you know), then there are the electrical system checks (do you want the QC inspector mad at you), the plumbing system checks (do you want to go to sea with a leaky head)........... There others but I am sure I am boring you[:D]

You are lucky to get to sea in 3 days[:D]

[Cap Mandrake]

********Captain's Quarters, USS Indianapolis, dockside, Soerabaja, Java, January 18, 1942*********


Cpt. Eddington: ...<in an angry tone of voice...no..that is not quite right...its more of a homicidal rant> Goddamnit, Commander, I want my ship out of harbor by 22:00 tonight! Kaga and her friends are less than 300 miles away in the Makassar Strait and they could be in strike range by morning. I don't trust a half a dozen crappy Brewsters and some converted mail planes to protect us. GET US OUT OF HERE!

XO: Sir, the Harbourmaster refuses to retract the torpedo nets. He says he needs you to sign form No. 23497/2J <looks at notes> "Unlawful discharge of leaded paint into Java Territorial waters". He says Java EPA observed <looks at notes again> "incomplete recovering of leaded paint debris during repair of hull torpedo damage, January 11-18". He says we need to come up with the $3000 fine.

Cpt. Eddington: ARE YOU ******* KIDDING ME?

[sprior]

Good thing too. You never know when your opponent is going to come at you with some loganberries. Or bananas. Have you done the requisite training on cherries yet-both red and black?

An extract from a 1938 army training film:

Sgt.: They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

(Grumbles from all)

Palin: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.

Sgt.: What do you mean?

Jones: We've done fruit the last nine weeks.

Sgt.: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?

Palin: Can't we do something else?

Idle (Welsh): Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?

Sgt.: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit...

All: We done the passion fruit.

Sgt.: What?

Chapman: We done the passion fruit.

Palin: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit...

Jones: Whole and segments.

Palin: Pomegranates, greengages...

Chapman: Grapes, passion fruit...

Palin: Lemons...

Jones: Plums...

Chapman: Mangoes in syrup...

Sgt.: How about cherries?

All: We did them.

Sgt.: Red *and* black?

All: Yes!

Sgt.: All right, bananas.

(All sigh.)

Sgt.: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.

Palin: Suppose he's got a bunch.

Sgt.: Shut up.

Idle: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.

Sgt.: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.

Chapman: 'Arrison.

Sgt.: Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Shoots him.)

Chapman: Aaagh! (dies.)

Sgt.: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)

Palin: You shot him!

Jones: He's dead!

Idle: He's completely dead!

Sgt.: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now 'elpless.

Palin: You shot him. You shot him dead.

Sgt.: Well, he was attacking me with a banana.

Jones: But you told him to.

Sgt.: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.

Idle: And pointed sticks.

Sgt.: Shut up.

Palin: Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun?

Sgt.: Run for it.

Jones: You could stand and scream for help.

Sgt.: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.

Jones: A pineapple?

Sgt.: Where? Where?

Jones: No I just said: a pineapple.

Sgt.: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.

Jones: What, on the pineapple?

Sgt.: Where? Where?

Jones: No, I was just repeating it.

Sgt.: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. There we are. 'Armless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr Tin Peach.

Jones: Thompson.

Sgt.: Thompson. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.

Jones: No.

Sgt.: Why not?

Jones: You'll shoot me.

Sgt.: I won't.

Jones: You shot Mr. Harrison.

Sgt.: That was self-defence. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you.

Idle: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.

Sgt.: Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell.

Jones: Throw the gun away.

Sgt.: I haven't got a gun.

Jones: You have.

Sgt.: Haven't.

Jones: You shot Mr 'Arrison with it.

Sgt.: Oh, that gun.

Jones: Throw it away.

Sgt.: Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a redcurrant -- without a gun.

Jones: You were going to shoot me!

Sgt.: I wasn't.

Jones: You were!

Sgt.: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed...

(Sgt. pulls a lever in the wall--CRASH! a 16-ton weight falls on Jones)

Jones: Aaagh.

Sgt.: If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him.

Palin: Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?

Sgt.: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.

Palin: Well how many 16-ton weights are there?

Sgt.: Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just _one way_ of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!

Idle: Like what?

Sgt.: Shootin' him?

Palin: Well what if you haven't got a gun or a 16-ton weight?

Sgt.: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each.

Palin: No guns.

Sgt.: No.

Palin: No 16-ton weights.

Sgt.: No.

Idle: No pointed sticks.

Sgt.: Shut up.

Palin: No rocks up in the ceiling.

Sgt.: No.

Palin: And you won't kill us.

Sgt.: I won't.

Palin: Promise.

Sgt.: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?

Palin and Idle: Oh, all right.

Sgt.: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the redcurrants! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to -- release the tiger!

(He does so. Growls. Screams.)

[sprior]

And don't forget the Battle of Mboto Gorge in 1892, where we had faced "ten thousand Watutsi warriors armed to the teeth with kiwi fruit and dry guava halves".

[Cap Mandrake]

ORIGINAL: sprior

And don't forget the Battle of Mboto Gorge in 1892, where we had faced "ten thousand Watutsi warriors armed to the teeth with kiwi fruit and dry guava halves".

'old on there mate. I thought the Watutsi were from the Dark Continent. And your kiwi, that there comes from New Zealand. So 'ow would a Watutsi get 'is 'ands on a kiwi?

[sprior]

Carried by swallows.