Bring me the head of Diego Garcia...and the Mayor of Addu Atoll too!

[Cap Mandrake]

*************Officer's Club, Suva, Sept. 3, 1942************

(Cont. from 4777)

Man in fine linen slacks: Hey, Yossarian, let me pick your brain about a new product line idea.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Will it hurt?

Man in fine linen slacks: Yossarian, you crazy SOB. It's just an expression.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: For most people, yes.

Man in fine linen slacks: Look, do you want to hear my idea or not?

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Do I have a choice?

Man in fine linen slacks: No. So, here is the deal. What mode of demise does life insurance NOT cover?

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: MIA. My dad still has not got his check.

Man in fine linen slacks: No, no, no. I mean SUICIDE.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Yeah, so?

Man in fine linen slacks: Well, that's my idea, suicide insurance.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Why, you crazy SOB, there is a REASON suicide is excluded.

Man in fine linen slacks: Sure, sure, but I'm not talking about regular suicide insurance, I am talking about Hara-kiri insurance.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Milo, that is the craziest ass thing I have ever heard you say. Who is going to buy something like that?

Man in fine linen slacks: Jap officers.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: The Allies are going on the offensive and you are going to sell Hara-kiri insurance to Jap officers? Maybe I am not quite grasping the business model.

Man in fine linen slacks: No, think about it. They are duty bound to do the deed but the want to provide for their families.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Right, I get that but nobody is going to buy this thing ahead of time. Only the duty bound will buy it.

Man in fine linen slacks: Of course.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: What do you mean of course? Everyone who buys your policy will be eligible for a claim. You will get killed, so to speak.

Man in fine linen slacks: Yes, yes, that's the beauty of it. You won't neeed agents. Everyone in that situation will want to buy it.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: And everyone will expect to make a claim.

Man in fine linen slacks: Yes, of course.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: Look, Milo. It's a crazy idea. Forget about the bottom line, who is going to submit the claim?

Man in fine linen slacks: Why, naturally, the commanding officer. It's in the fine print.

Hirsute man now beginning to grow a beard: But they aren't going to do that. It would be a loss of honor to go to the commanding officer, assuming he isn't out buying a policy himself....<stops cold and a look of realization comes over him>,,,Milo, you crazy, calculating, genius SOB. It can't fail.

Man in fine linen slacks: Yes, of course.

[Cap Mandrake]

Arrgh...2nd page. [X(]


We are in rimbo as Rord Admirar Nerson had to evacuate from a forest fire.

But I do need some advice. As employers of several hundred employees now, we are keen to avoid sexual harrassment lawsuits. We had the HR experts come in and give a talk. As a consequence, I have stopped showing my staff the video links and jokes my brother-in-law and his crazy dentist friends send me. Evidently, however, not everyone got the message. We had to issue strict costume guidelines for Halloween as we had a number of abnormal EKG readings on male patients when the medical assistant with the ample bosom up in Diagnostics wore this ridiculous french maid outfit.

Lately, it seems, we have embarked on a strategy of hiring ONLY the unattractive. You would think this would just stamp it out..like throwing water on the coals...but it really doesn't. Unattractive people STILL complain about being hit on by other unattractive people. I have to assume there is some kind of secret stratification among the unattractive that cannot be perceived by others. One idea I had was to hire progressively more attractive supervisors with increasing rank. That way, people would be less likely to complain if their boss showed interest in them. The problem is by the time you get to nursing director you would have to hire Heidi Klum and then there is guaranteed to be a problem with the wives of the male doctors.

I'm afraid there may be no solution.....except for Dick the Butcher's idea.

[Cap Mandrake]

Heard an ad for "bariatric surgery" (stomach banding for the morbidly obese). The announcer proclaimed it was covered by most insurances then announced, "Come join us for a reception and have your questions answered"


I was wondering, does one serve appetizers at a reception for 350 lb people? If you were catering that how many buffalo wings would you order?

[anarchyintheuk]

You'd have to serve appetizers . . . . it would reinforce to the potential customer that he/she has no control over their intake. It's only good business to use guilt as a tool. Look at how catholicism has taken off. I'd order about 5/person, there's always someone who will Constanza the wings, plus left overs are tasty. Make sure your defribrilator is fully charged.

[Chickenboy]

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Arrgh...2nd page. [X(]


We are in rimbo as Rord Admirar Nerson had to evacuate from a forest fire.

But I do need some advice. As employers of several hundred employees now, we are keen to avoid sexual harrassment lawsuits. We had the HR experts come in and give a talk. As a consequence, I have stopped showing my staff the video links and jokes my brother-in-law and his crazy dentist friends send me. Evidently, however, not everyone got the message. We had to issue strict costume guidelines for Halloween as we had a number of abnormal EKG readings on male patients when the medical assistant with the ample bosom up in Diagnostics wore this ridiculous french maid outfit.

Lately, it seems, we have embarked on a strategy of hiring ONLY the unattractive. You would think this would just stamp it out..like throwing water on the coals...but it really doesn't. Unattractive people STILL complain about being hit on by other unattractive people. I have to assume there is some kind of secret stratification among the unattractive that cannot be perceived by others. One idea I had was to hire progressively more attractive supervisors with increasing rank. That way, people would be less likely to complain if their boss showed interest in them. The problem is by the time you get to nursing director you would have to hire Heidi Klum and then there is guaranteed to be a problem with the wives of the male doctors.

I'm afraid there may be no solution.....except for Dick the Butcher's idea.

You could offer free and mandatory orthodontia. Cause nothin' says 'stay the **** away from me like tinsel teeth, headgear and festoons of drool. People in intractable pain from wisdom teeth extraction are likely to be neither suitors nor recipients of amorous intent.

Dentists have perfected the ability to cause great pain-legally. You should revisit this benefit for your practice.

Plus, there's always saltpeter for the cafeteria.

[Chickenboy]

ORIGINAL: anarchyintheuk

You'd have to serve appetizers . . . . it would reinforce to the potential customer that he/she has no control over their intake. It's only good business to use guilt as a tool. Look at how catholicism has taken off. I'd order about 5/person, there's always someone who will Constanza the wings, plus left overs are tasty. Make sure your defribrilator is fully charged.

Did you just verbify "Constanza"? [:-]

[Chickenboy]

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Heard an ad for "bariatric surgery" (stomach banding for the morbidly obese). The announcer proclaimed it was covered by most insurances then announced, "Come join us for a reception and have your questions answered"


I was wondering, does one serve appetizers at a reception for 350 lb people? If you were catering that how many buffalo wings would you order?

None. Buffalo wings are very cruel to the buffalo.

[jeffk3510]

A scrotum as a unit of measurement...[:D][:D]&nbsp;this AAR never fails to delight.

[perkinh]

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

New neighbors up the street are putting in a pool and 900,000 BTU bar-b-q. I wave to them when they drive by in hopes of getting invited. Honestly, if the entire neighborhood got together and lit their unused 900,000 BTU bar-b-q's at once the Chicoms would probably have a false alarm for an ICBM launch.

Here is the deal. A couple moves in and the guy naturally wants a big backyard bar-b-q with rotiserie and a fridge and an outdoor fireplace with imported limestone...so they hire a contractor and he puts one in. The neighbor's get invited over once or twice..then...yada, yada, yada...he cheats on her or she cheats on him....yada, yada, yada...divorce...she gets the house and the bar-b-q is built in so it stays with the house. She gets mad and throws out all his bar-b-q tools and the thing sits idle for 20 or 30 years until she either gets dementia or dies. Then the kids sell the house and the new owner tears out the old bar-b-q because avocado colored tiles have come back in and the whole thing starts all over again.

It is quite sad, really. Never, EVER install a built-in bar-b-q.

Please ignore these comments! There are several poeple that depend on installing, and then removing 900,000 BTU Flamethrowers for there living. If the marriage goes south quick enough i can even resale the unit for a nice profit. The only downside is if the crazy woman marries a Neanderthal, that loves the charr.

[perkinh]

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Arrgh...2nd page. [X(]


We are in rimbo as Rord Admirar Nerson had to evacuate from a forest fire.

But I do need some advice. As employers of several hundred employees now, we are keen to avoid sexual harrassment lawsuits. We had the HR experts come in and give a talk. As a consequence, I have stopped showing my staff the video links and jokes my brother-in-law and his crazy dentist friends send me. Evidently, however, not everyone got the message. We had to issue strict costume guidelines for Halloween as we had a number of abnormal EKG readings on male patients when the medical assistant with the ample bosom up in Diagnostics wore this ridiculous french maid outfit.

Lately, it seems, we have embarked on a strategy of hiring ONLY the unattractive. You would think this would just stamp it out..like throwing water on the coals...but it really doesn't. Unattractive people STILL complain about being hit on by other unattractive people. I have to assume there is some kind of secret stratification among the unattractive that cannot be perceived by others. One idea I had was to hire progressively more attractive supervisors with increasing rank. That way, people would be less likely to complain if their boss showed interest in them. The problem is by the time you get to nursing director you would have to hire Heidi Klum and then there is guaranteed to be a problem with the wives of the male doctors.

I'm afraid there may be no solution.....except for Dick the Butcher's idea.

My company forces us to watch an hour long webinar every January, and then sign our " X " online saying we were warned.

[Reg]

ORIGINAL: jeffk3510

A scrotum as a unit of measurement...[:D][:D] this AAR never fails to delight.

Have other uses as well: Scrotum Gift Shop

[Kwik E Mart]

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Arrgh...2nd page. [X(]


We are in rimbo as Rord Admirar Nerson had to evacuate from a forest fire.

But I do need some advice. As employers of several hundred employees now, we are keen to avoid sexual harrassment lawsuits. We had the HR experts come in and give a talk. As a consequence, I have stopped showing my staff the video links and jokes my brother-in-law and his crazy dentist friends send me. Evidently, however, not everyone got the message. We had to issue strict costume guidelines for Halloween as we had a number of abnormal EKG readings on male patients when the medical assistant with the ample bosom up in Diagnostics wore this ridiculous french maid outfit.

Lately, it seems, we have embarked on a strategy of hiring ONLY the unattractive. You would think this would just stamp it out..like throwing water on the coals...but it really doesn't. Unattractive people STILL complain about being hit on by other unattractive people. I have to assume there is some kind of secret stratification among the unattractive that cannot be perceived by others. One idea I had was to hire progressively more attractive supervisors with increasing rank. That way, people would be less likely to complain if their boss showed interest in them. The problem is by the time you get to nursing director you would have to hire Heidi Klum and then there is guaranteed to be a problem with the wives of the male doctors.

I'm afraid there may be no solution.....except for Dick the Butcher's idea.

...oddly enough, a certain randy newman song comes to mind...

(btw, every time i throw water on coals, a billowing, choking cloud of smoke erupts from the fire pit...[;)])

[Cap Mandrake]

ORIGINAL: Kwik E Mart

...oddly enough, a certain randy newman song comes to mind...

"Dont wan't no short people"?

(btw, every time i throw water on coals, a billowing, choking cloud of smoke erupts from the fire pit...[;)])

Ask one of the chemistry majors..or maybe there is a chemical engineer or volunteer fireman in the crowd.....but I think that might be steam. [;)]

[Cap Mandrake]

ORIGINAL: Reg

ORIGINAL: jeffk3510

A scrotum as a unit of measurement...[:D][:D] this AAR never fails to delight.

Have other uses as well: Scrotum Gift Shop

What do they do with the little hairs?

[Cap Mandrake]

ORIGINAL: anarchyintheuk
It's only good business to use guilt as a tool. Look at how catholicism has taken off.

[:D]

[Mynok]

But I do need some advice. As employers of several hundred employees now, we are keen to avoid sexual harrassment lawsuits. We had the erectile dysfunction experts come in and give a talk. As a consequence, I have stopped showing my staff and telling jokes my brother-in-law and his crazy proctologist friends send me. Evidently, however, not everyone got the massage . We had to issue strict costume guidelines for Halloween as we had a number of flag raising incidents with male patients when the medical assistant with the huge bombs up in Diagnostics wore this ridiculous bit of nothing.

That's what you really wrote, isn't it? [:D]

[jeffk3510]

Now a Sack Gift Shack...[:D][:D]

[Cap Mandrake]

ORIGINAL: Mynok

But I do need some advice. As employers of several hundred employees now, we are keen to avoid sexual harrassment lawsuits. We had the erectile dysfunction experts come in and give a talk. As a consequence, I have stopped showing my staff and telling jokes my brother-in-law and his crazy proctologist friends send me. Evidently, however, not everyone got the massage . We had to issue strict costume guidelines for Halloween as we had a number of flag raising incidents with male patients when the medical assistant with the huge bombs up in Diagnostics wore this ridiculous bit of nothing.

That's what you really wrote, isn't it? [:D]

Failure to "flag raise" is a common reason for visits among the senior patients. I doubt anyone would complain if they took their new Cialis samples and went upstairs for an EKG and pitched a tent. In fact, those are EXACTLY the patients you want to send the patient satisfaction survey to.

The Cialis rep came to the buliding and brought lunch. Naturally, she is female and attractive. I wonder how that happened?

I asked her for samples to treat premature infants with pulmonary hypertension (it might physiologically actually work for this). She laughed but did not give me any samples. The food wasn't very good either.

[rtrapasso]

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake


I asked her for samples to treat premature infants with pulmonary hypertension (it might physiologically actually work for this). She laughed but did not give me any samples. The food wasn't very good either.

The Children!! Somebody think of the Children!!!

[Cap Mandrake]

Cucarachas in the Coral Sea...again. Where is the number for that exterminator again?