PURRsecution... Examining M4Jess's Hatred

Bernie · Post by **Bernie** » Thu Jan 30, 2003 9:25 am

Poor Jess! His utter, total hatred of "kats" has warped him so terribly! But, how did this obsession get started? Let's examine his early childhood for some clues:

I suppose the root of the problem began with his Grandfather "M1Jess", who used to wear a cat in his beard and then torment poor M4 by hugging him and letting the cat pop out and scare him. That's his picture below:

Sometimes the cat would even steal poor baby M4's toys!

Or wait for young Jess to get his morning breakfast cereal and pounce upon him from inside the cupboard!

Jess would often retaliate by taking one of the cats (his family had many) and stuffing it in the dryer on "fluff", without a static sheet!

This, quite naturally, ticked the cat off royally...

(to be continued)

Bernie · Post by **Bernie** » Thu Jan 30, 2003 9:44 am

(continued)

Even Christmas, such a wonderful time of year for most children, was unhappy for poor Jess! The cats would lie in wait for him to come down and open his presents:

Several times as an infant Jess was forced to defend himself as huge cats would try to crush his little legs with their weight!

They'd even pretend to be ghosts at night to frighten lil M4:

Or sit staring at him with their evil eyes as he tried to sleep

When Jess reached school age, and was at last able to spend a few, precious hours in a cat free environment, they'd wait patiently for him to come home...plotting their evil plots!

When the cats discovered that Jess had a severe allergy to fur, they took to sleeping in his jeans, causing him to be laughed at the next day as he constantly scratched himself in public:

They'd even steal the food off his fork when he tried to eat his dinner

Even the bathtub was not safe for poor Jess, their hatred of him being even stronger than their hatred of water!

(to be continued)

Bernie · Post by **Bernie** » Thu Jan 30, 2003 10:23 am

(continued)

Much of the PURRsecution of M4Jess can be laid at the paws of this cat, the notorious "Godfather Cat" who, from his hideout by the window, directed his minions in their nefarious deeds.

He had his followers stalk poor Jess without mercy...

Hiding in the laundry

On his bike

Inside the daily paper

Poor Jess couldn't even use his litterbox...err the toilet!

And these were no ordinary cats! These were trained commando cats who would sometimes train and exercise to the point of exhaustion!

(to be continued)

Bernie · Post by **Bernie** » Thu Jan 30, 2003 10:34 am

(continued)

Eventually, things between Jess and the cats turned ugly...and deadly! These police photos document a meeting between one of the sub-bosses and two members of the infamous "Hiss Squad" gang of cutthroats. The end result was a plot to rewire M4's stereo to shock him when he turned it down. But the "hit cat", possibly high on refined catnip, bungled the job and was electrocuted.

Though the job was never pinned on any cat in particular, two members of the "Hiss Squad" did get lengthy jail time for their part in it.

The boss of the "Hiss Squad", a cat known only as "The Goblin", was FURious and swore a blood vendetta against Jess.

(to be continued)

Bernie · Post by **Bernie** » Thu Jan 30, 2003 10:42 am

(continued)

Enough was enough for little Jess! After the trial he packed his bags and fled, vowing to somewhere, somehow, find a weapon that would save him from the cats and destroy them all!

But, the cats are still out there...waiting:

Searching the bars and the fields

Even scouring the Internet

Looking for M4Jess....

So, as you can see, Jess has ample reason for his complete and utter hatred of cats. But, what of his obsession with the Sherman?

NEXT: "M4"...a highway in England, or one man's road to madness?

rbrunsman · Post by **rbrunsman** » Thu Jan 30, 2003 11:13 am

LOL. Bernie, I think you have waaaay too much time on your hands!

Not that I don't believe you. Someone needs to get to the bottom of Jess' pathological dislike of the lovely kitties!

Bernie · Post by **Bernie** » Thu Jan 30, 2003 11:25 am

Originally posted by rbrunsman
LOL. Bernie, I think you have waaaay too much time on your hands! Not that I don't believe you. Someone needs to get to the bottom of Jess' pathological dislike of the lovely kitties!

Gee...now why would you say that I have too much time on my hands?

As it happens, I'm on vacation from work this week, and I just finished half a pot of coffee that I thought was decaf...but wasn't...

So, I figured I'd find a funny cat picture and post something humorous about Jess...

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, when I did a Google for "funny cat pictures" the very first link that came up was a site with 11 pages of pictures like these! Now, how could I NOT have some major fun with all that material?

It was actually the kind of stuff I do best, making up a story as I go along (I've been a writer for many years and have three books due out the end of the year or early '04).

Besides, I happen to like Jess, and I know he can appreciate a good laugh.

tracer · Post by **tracer** » Thu Jan 30, 2003 12:14 pm

*COUGH!*....*CHOKE!*

Bernie, I think I busted a gut! Folks are gonna have coffee shooting outta their noses when they see these in the morning.

Don Doom · Post by **Don Doom** » Thu Jan 30, 2003 3:18 pm

I now have to go get changed for work as I snorted coffee out my nose over the keyboard and myself. lmao

Like above you need a hobby, due to toooo much time on your hands!:D

Orzel Bialy · Post by **Orzel Bialy** » Thu Jan 30, 2003 7:23 pm

All I can say is this is, without a doubt, the funniest d@mned thread that I have ever seen! And the fact that it's all true just makes it even more so!!!

ROTFLMFAO!!!!

This was the best way to start the day...thanks Bernie.

Goblin · Post by **Goblin** » Thu Jan 30, 2003 9:23 pm

LOL! Makes me wish I could have stayed up for parts 4 and 5 last night. Very good stuff, Bernie. But the Godfather Cat thinks you may know too much....

Goblin- A Goblin is GC's 'enforcer':eek:

Hawk · Post by **Hawk** » Thu Jan 30, 2003 10:26 pm

What change your pants? I have to change my UNDERWEAR!!!! The guys at work want to know what the Heck am i reading? Cause i'm laughing sooooohard. That was GREAT Bernie....Please give us some more.......Please.........

Bernie · Post by **Bernie** » Fri Jan 31, 2003 5:40 am

Originally posted by Goblin
LOL! Makes me wish I could have stayed up for parts 4 and 5 last night. Very good stuff, Bernie. But the Godfather Cat thinks you may know too much....

Goblin- A Goblin is GC's 'enforcer':eek:

I can crop and shrink that "Goblin Cat" picture for your avatar if you want.

Bernie · Post by **Bernie** » Fri Jan 31, 2003 5:44 am

Originally posted by Hawk
What change your pants? I have to change my UNDERWEAR!!!! The guys at work want to know what the Heck am i reading? Cause i'm laughing sooooohard. That was GREAT Bernie....Please give us some more.......Please.........

I'm working on the sequel ("M4" ...highway in England or one man's road to madness?) but for some strange reason when I do a Google for "funny M4 pictures" it doesn't find near as many shots as it did of the cats.

Bernie · Post by **Bernie** » Fri Jan 31, 2003 5:46 am

Originally posted by Orzel Bialy
All I can say is this is, without a doubt, the funniest d@mned thread that I have ever seen! And the fact that it's all true just makes it even more so!!!

ROTFLMFAO!!!!

This was the best way to start the day...thanks Bernie.

I have a feeling this one is going to end up in the HOF with some of my Top Ten lists from the past.

Supervisor · Post by **Supervisor** » Fri Jan 31, 2003 6:38 am

Ahh it's nice to see that Bernie is back to his true colors and finds a way to bring welcome laughter to these forums.

Orzel Bialy · Post by **Orzel Bialy** » Fri Jan 31, 2003 7:40 am

the laughter had grown a bit sparse recently...good to see it back and THANKS TO BERNIE ONE MORE TIME.

If there were a "Post of the Month Award"...this would be the January Winner hands down!

I'm still laughing when I view this post! LOL

Goblin · Post by **Goblin** » Fri Jan 31, 2003 8:17 am

Originally posted by Bernie
I can crop and shrink that "Goblin Cat" picture for your avatar if you want.

Yes! I will proudly fly it for awhile!

Goblin

Hawk · Post by **Hawk** » Fri Jan 31, 2003 4:38 pm

I agree with Orzel...it should be post of the MONTH.

M4Jess · Post by **M4Jess** » Fri Jan 31, 2003 5:42 pm

my friends:(

LOL very good Bernie!

Payback is hell!:mad:

PURRsecution... Examining M4Jess's Hatred

PURRsecution... Examining M4Jess's Hatred

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Too late

Bernie....this will make you famous!!!

LMAO

Re: LMAO

Re: Bernie....this will make you famous!!!

I agree....

LOL

And I thought you guys were