Bring me the head of Diego Garcia...and the Mayor of Addu Atoll too!

[witpqs]

ORIGINAL: Chickenboy

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake
Massive explosion on CA Portland

I don't recall this Combat Report tidbit before...seems kind of redundant. Obviously a torpedo DID explode against the Portland-isn't that by definition-a massive explosion? I wonder if the inclusion of this Combat Report note is indicative of being hit by a rong rance instead of a 53cm version?

That would be a 'secondary explosion', Young Poultry Lad.

[Argos]

OK Cap - slight hijack then for requested story. Sorry no lederhosen cutouts (Of Note though - a few of the upscale houses in the area were installing reinforced attachment points in the master bedrooms for 'hang glider harnesses', truly a thought provoking experience for young fire-fighters on their first walk-thrus for houses undergoing construction. Might want to suggest some HOA regs for those to the Fraulein to liven discussion at the next meeting)

Anyway I was a Battalion Chief with a fire department in Montana for a number of years. Calls for some reason come in groups and sometimes the group seems to be all bad; we had been on a run of bad calls and were just finishing up a bad summer fire season when we got paged to a mutual aid (another jurisdiction requesting help) for a structure fire that ended up getting rid of some stress.

Get to the address and its a cluster - no senior officers from the responsible dept, inexperienced crews for the most part, and equipment placement pretty much shot (once you part a truck and start running water from it its pretty much an act of god to get it moved).

The back story on where things started to go wrong is that when the initial units arrived the attractive 'lady of the house', who had apparently been showering when the smoke alarms went off, was standing on the front porch - starkers I think is how Lord Admiral Sprior would put it - screaming that the house was on fire, which was apparently pretty obvious. That's not all that unusual really, the thing that threw the other department off is that she steadfastly and repeatedly refused blankets, clothing, shelter, a dignified withdrawal, or anything approaching modesty cover for a significant period of time and insisted, until law enforcement corralled her, on being in the midst of the scene causing some loss of focus.

Somehow the fire gets knocked down with the distraction(s), and now we shift to salvage and overhaul I.E. Make sure the fire is really out and save/prevent damage to what you can. I was asked to assess structural stability and look for extension with a crew, do some hazard mitigation, etc so I went thru a couple bottles. This is significant as weather is hot, I start building up a bunch of body heat, and the humidity causes my mask to start fogging. While this is going on the Incident Commander speaks with homeowner about items of significance to retrieve and gets the usual type stuff - wedding ring on the counter in bathroom where she was showering, jewelry boxes, papers in lockbox, rifles in closet, pistols in master bedroom. Common in MT but you do have to check if the firearms have one in the pipe. Ammunition cooking off is pretty frequent and will startle you if its unexpected; we just get excited about it potentially cooking off in the barrel, that will quickly cause a dramatic change of strategy)

Well the crews have found the wedding ring (which is damn good work) and the long guns but no sign of the 44 caliber pistol so I am asked to take my guys in (an LT, an experienced FF and a probie (new guy)) to look for the pistol. I am relayed a very specific location, from the homeowner thru the Incident Commander, to look for it- master bedroom, this dresser, this drawer, this side, and to keep an eye out for another rifle that may or may not be in the closet. In we go, its hot, house is pretty torn up, visibility is good except for my damn fogging mask, and we make it into the master; this is all routine until the LT and probie make a find in the closet. Finding personal items/porn isn't unusual, the incredible volume of it in this closet was, it was literally stacked so high it had collapse potential. The LT isn't a prude by any stretch but he is fairly revolted by the specialty types of mags and videos.

So ok we found some nasty porn, back to work - LT check bedside table, probie finish checking closet, I will get pistol since i have detailed location and we are out of here.

Searching dressers or anything for that matter isn't a fine art - you are in full turnouts, full gloves (needles, knives, heat, drugs etc), and restricted visibility with me a bad case as I was fogging up. So even though I cant see I can pull the drawer out of dresser, put it on the bed, run a sweep with hands and find the pistol grip right where its supposed to be by touch. Turn to the guys and say 'ok, I got it. lets go'. The LT says very politely 'No I dont think you do, you might want to take a closer look'. I can't see much of anything so I put the pistol up to my faceplate and try and figure out why he thinks I don't have the correct item. At this point the probie starts choking, which causes me some concern (did he snag his mask, did he puke in his mask and have trouble clearing it, medical condition???). He recovers quickly and the experienced FF says 'No way is that a 44 - it looks bigger'. I try to take another close look and this starts the probie choking again.

For the slower readers who are still with me and all the Japanese fanboys following along it should be very clear that I was not holding a pistol up to my faceplate but instead a very large, impolite, and downright nasty looking 'marital aid'. I didn't clue in till it actually turned on almost in time when the second round of choking/gasping from the probie started - My expression must have been priceless shifting from puzzlement to realization, the internal dialogue was something like 'Hey wait a minute, pistols don't vibrate like this....ohhhhh'

Crew focus was gone, and discipline was teetering as I removed the now chattering device from next to my face and threw it back in the drawer. Discipline exited and I lost the crew when the other devices in the drawer started activating, merrily buzzing, rattling, chattering or humming away as each newly stimulated device added its voice to the chorus. Now my problem is I am pissed, and I have a disabled crew to get out of the building ASAP as they are sucking thru air and I have to get them to rehab without press/homeowners seeing/filming a bunch of firefighters laughing hysterically exiting from somebody's burned out home.

The end of it was fine, there never was a pistol - the lady of the house apparently wanted someone to find her toys. That crew did became my go to group for hose testing (a not fun annual task) for the next month or so for being so kind as to repeatedly request I 'take a closer look'. They each did get a gift certificate from me to Adam and Eve online at the annual fire awards banquet - and I of course was presented with a custom plaque (with nasty looking device attached) from them with a new qualification - MARS (Marital Aid Rescue Specialist) and ongoing grief to 'take a closer look' whenever anyone gets the chance.

[Cap Mandrake]

"MARS" [:D]


There once was a girl from Montana

whose fire engulfed the cabana

she cried out, "oh boy"!

"there goes my new toy"

......................

[BBfanboy]

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

"MARS" [:D]


There once was a girl from Montana

whose fire engulfed the cabana

she cried out, "oh boy"!

"there goes my new toy"

......................

... and she cried in her bandana??
No, doesn't sound quite right ...[;)] must be something edible ... [:D]

[Argos]

... all i have left is this bananna

crap missed it by 5 secs.

[BBfanboy]

ORIGINAL: Argos

... all i have left is this bananna

crap missed it by 5 secs.

I think all alternate endings should be offered to the focus group here![8D]

[Argos]

If we are going to be graded I would like to submit -

"I guess I'll need to borrow one of Mr. Clinton's Havanas"

[con]

And the reason to shake my hips like Carmen Miranda

con

[BBfanboy]

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

"MARS" [:D]


There once was a girl from Montana

whose fire engulfed the cabana

she cried out, "oh boy"!

"there goes my new toy"

......................

I'll have to borrow from Roseanne Roseannadanna!

[BBfanboy]

ORIGINAL: Argos

If we are going to be graded I would like to submit -

"I guess I'll need to borrow one of Mr. Clinton's Havanas"

Good one!
When I realized that "Obama" was similar to "cabana" I thought of Presidents and Bill C was obviously the most apt, but I couldn't make it rhyme with the limerick. You nailed it!

[Cap Mandrake]

I like the "Havana" idea


how about....



"Looks like it's Robusto Havana"


I saw my gastroenterologist in the doctor's dining room. I gave him the high sign but I don't think he remembered me. Maybe if I dropped trau and winked at him?

Then he would be "Oh, yeah, I remember that ***hole"

[Cap Mandrake]

Along the same line, I have discovered I have a remarkable number of teenage male gay patients.

Most have been my patients for a long time but quite a few have gravitated to my practice. I know this may be hard to believe but I think they see me as empathetic. Sometimes the parents are in the know, sometimes they haven't come out so we have devised secret code messages to be sent to cell phones on lab results. I'm pretty sure the moms know something is up when I toss them out of the room.

In California, if a 12-18 year old comes to you with STD or pregnancy prevention issues you can't tell the parent without the minor's permission. Some of these poor kids have terrible problems their teens. So do straight teens but gay teens really have it bad. I have kindred soul talk therapists I can refer them to and I have the name of every Drama Club director at the local high schools (seriously...it helps for belongingness).

Also, there is this. Nobody seems to listen to my advice on condoms.

Me: Dood, haven't you heard about HIV?

Teen (gay or straight): Bah.

Me: "Bah"? You can't just say "bah". It could kill you man.

Teen (gay or straight): One word, Magic Johnson.

Me: That's two words.

Even so, I know I have been outmaneuvered...just like Bodie at First Battle of Savo Island.
This 15 year old girl was in the office yesterday and her mom was mad because she was using Mary Jane (nobody calls it that anymore..in fact I'm not sure anyone other than Sgt Joe Friday on Dragnet ever called it that..but I just think it is funy)

Mom: It kills your brain cells.

Teen: No it doesn't. You guys don't know anything (this is pretty much a universal belief among teens. She may be right about the brain cell bit so I try a different approach)

Me: Marijuana impairs thinking and judgement and perception. You can't drive a car when you are high.

Teen: Oh, yes you can. My friends say it's easy.

Me: Look, imagine you are on a commerical airplane. Do you want the pilot high on marijuana?

Teen: That's why they have two pilots.

[:D] Hory crap! Outwitted by a pothead. Sometimes you just have to know when to retire before a rout ensues.

Babbies are easier. The smile more and they never win debates.

[zuluhour]

[:D][:D][:D]

[BBfanboy]

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

I like the "Havana" idea


how about....



"Looks like it's Robusto Havana"


I saw my gastroenterologist in the doctor's dining room. I gave him the high sign but I don't think he remembered me. Maybe if I dropped trau and winked at him?

Then he would be "Oh, yeah, I remember that ***hole"

As the Dentist said to the Gynecologist and Proctologist "At least I know my patients when I see them on the street".

[Cap Mandrake]

Dees ees dee maaap de la guerra, seenor.

well...a small part of it,

[Cap Mandrake]

Now...some might ask.."What is a potentail landing"

OPSEC baby, OPSEC. If we told you we would have to keel you.

[BBfanboy]

ORIGINAL: Cap Mandrake

Now...some might ask.."What is a potentail landing"

OPSEC baby, OPSEC. If we told you we would have to keel you.

Aha - a new motivator for the troops! Tell them there is potent-tail waiting for them when they land and they will laugh at death.
Present them with their skunk tail medals afterward and run like hell!

[Cap Mandrake]

So the access to scanned documents on our Electronic Medical Record has been crashed for 3 days. I don't even bother to call it in because I don't want to be told to "reboot". That just bugs the crap out of me. Like I was in a coma for 15 years? "Reboot"? That's it? That's why I called the "help desk"?

So, anyway, one of the real, ambulatory "IT guys" (who, oddly, is female) comes down from Valhalla and, naturally, we assault her with gripes.

Us: When are you going to fix the scanned documents?

IT Guy (XX): Oh, didn't you see the email. We "updated".


Now, I am here to tell you that "update" used to imply moving forward in some fashion. It now is associatd with suffering and misery.

ME: Doesn't "update" mean it is supposed to work better?

IT Guy (XX): HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA! (apparently we stumbled on an inside IT joke) It's a vendor problem [8|] The Toshiba guys are working on it. It's gonna be ready in 26 hrs.

ME: 26 hours? What, are they going to happy hour first?

IT Guy (XX): HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH


Seriously, it wasn't that funny but she just completely loses it. So I'm thinking, "CRAP, they really ARE at happy hour". Who gives a quote of 26 hrs for a job? Only tech people would do that. It sounds like the estimate from the Twin HAL 2000.

[Crackaces]

So the access to scanned documents on our Electronic Medical Record has been crashed for 3 days. I don't even bother to call it in because I don't want to be told to "reboot". That just bugs the crap out of me. Like I was in a coma for 15 years? "Reboot"? That's it? That's why I called the "help desk"?

As the late great Dr. Jim Gray wrote that most failures are "heisenbugs" or indeterministic and random thus restarting the process will get past the error and the fault. His designs at Tandem Computers were based on this principle. Dr. Grey started over at a savepoint ... but in this case .. it's starting over again with the power off ... [;)]

[sprior]

At a party, somewhere in the Orkneys:

A Doctor: Oh hello, I'm having a bit of a problem with my computer, could you give me some advice?

Me: My left knee is hurting a bit, would you mind taking a look?

Doctor: Oh.