A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Greater East Asia Co-prosperity Sphere

[sprior]

Broody herr, he get carriers to pray with and he get them broken. No more geishas for you.

[sprior]

No we at war we must increase productivity. All horidays cancelled except work have harf day on Emperor's Birthday. Emperor can have whore day on his birthday. Not sure Mrs Emperor very happy about that though.

[sprior]

+++++ An Aircraft Factory, Harbin +++++

Factory Supervisor Sato: Right, I want you to start making Zeroes now
Factory Foreman: Okay, we make Zeloes
Factory Supervisor Sato: No, stupid Chinaman, Zeroes not Zeroes.
Factory Foreman: That's what I said, Zeloes, not Zeloes.

[sprior]

We capture Arries new secret prane detection system. Now we win war!

[Cap Mandrake]

ORIGINAL: sprior

+++++ An Aircraft Factory, Harbin +++++

Factory Supervisor Sato: Right, I want you to start making Zeroes now
Factory Foreman: Okay, we make Zeloes
Factory Supervisor Sato: No, stupid Chinaman, Zeroes not Zeroes.
Factory Foreman: That's what I said, Zeloes, not Zeloes.

Rong time ago, Japan-men ancestors come from China...but onry smart ones make it across watah.


Since war start Mandrake-san not-ah get any good herp. Japan-mens aburh to tie own shoes want to be paratrooper or fightah pirot. Nobody want to make fish-head soup or iron uniforms.

[Cap Mandrake]

*************Seaside Virra, Truk Ragoon**********


Mandrake-san: <reading communication for from japan-mens high command> " Erectronic war ordah management system, a new paradigm for efficient management of the air, rand and navarh forces of Empire of Japan. " Hmmm....sound rike burr shit. Ret Mandrake-san try.*

<begins typing at erectronic keyboard> What-ah bases in South Pacific need fuerh?

<there is a pause of severarh seconds and some frashing rights> See, what-ah Mandrake-san say? Piece of crap. <printer starts to type..Mandrake-san start reading> "Row fuerh at Nadi, Koumac, Pago Pago and Canton, the isrand."

Hory crap! That-ah pretty good. Maybe Mandrake-san become more efficient? Mandrake-san wondah. <begins typing....."Amarfi Coast Vacation Rentars"


* Edited by the Editorial Board to remove scatological references and inauthentic use of pronouns.

[Cap Mandrake]

***************Two Hours Rater*********

Mandrake-san: <typing> "How big breastesses of Betty Graburh?".............

[Simonsez]

A svelt, but curvy 36, 24. 35 when the war broke out. Not bad for a 5' 4" gal.....

[Cap Mandrake]

******************January 13, 1942(d)*************


Operation Tarrurah: Zuikaku-mens pump out aft media room and wine bar but forward guest toiret crog up again.
Frotation at 19, systems at 42. She stirr pretty fast but go srow so watah not-ah sprash around so much. Detached today for Rabaurh with 5 DD's and anothah 3 DD ASW group. Arried subs arr ovah prace. Japan-mens roose strategic, operationarh, tacticarh surprise and Emperor even find out about gift card for birthday.

[Cap Mandrake]

Fuso get compretery F'usoed: Rookouts having smoke so Fuso accidnetarry run into Arried torpedo which accidentarry brow up aftah accidentarry rereaased from Arried-mens submarine.

Sub attack near Rennell Island at 111,142

Japanese Ships
BB Fuso, Torpedo hits 1
DD Yudachi
DD Murasame
DD Suzukaze
DD Kawakaze

Allied Ships
SS Trout

SS Trout accidentarry launches 6 torpedoes at BB Fuso
Trout diving deep ....
DD Suzukaze fails to find sub and abandons search

Submarine named aftah rittah tiny fish with brain size of grain of rice but stir pretty hard to catch. Fuso not-ah sink but have to be rifted out of watah to fix. Arried-mens not-ah read memo about crappy torpedoes.

This-ah second BB that take one up chuff.

[Cap Mandrake]

Ashigara try to brow up Arried-mens ship probabry grounded in tiny rittah harbor. Instead brow up 12 taro prants and scare Jesus out of onry Cathoric priest on isrand.

Night Naval bombardment of Efate at 120,154

Japanese Ships
CA Ashigara
DD Susuki
DD Hasu
DD Sanae
DD Hatsushima

Port hits 12
Port supply hits 4

[Cap Mandrake]

China: Aftah franking move North of Changsha fairh, Japan-mens concentrate on singurh corps in woods NE of Changsha.
6 China-mens corps on road so Japan-mens try to find easiah way in.

Ground combat at 82,51 (near Changsha)

Japanese Shock attack

Attacking force 31612 troops, 244 guns, 28 vehicles, Assault Value = 949

Defending force 11376 troops, 39 guns, 0 vehicles, Assault Value = 353

Japanese adjusted assault: 1173

Allied adjusted defense: 117

Japanese assault odds: 10 to 1

Combat modifiers
Defender: terrain(+), leaders(+), experience(-)
Attacker: shock(+), leaders(+)

Japanese ground losses:
2306 casualties reported
Squads: 3 destroyed, 80 disabled
Non Combat: 0 destroyed, 10 disabled
Engineers: 0 destroyed, 17 disabled
Guns lost 18 (3 destroyed, 15 disabled)

Allied ground losses:
6609 casualties reported
Squads: 124 destroyed, 31 disabled
Non Combat: 191 destroyed, 21 disabled
Engineers: 4 destroyed, 7 disabled
Guns lost 12 (4 destroyed, 8 disabled)
Units retreated 1

Defeated Allied Units Retreating!

Assaulting units:
39th Division
40th Division
18th Ind.Mixed Brigade

Defending units:
99th Chinese Corps

[Cap Mandrake]

**************Pranning**************

Akagi ready and Hiryu not-ah get any worse (12% system) so operation go ahead upon arrival of Akagi in about 4 d. In mean time Japan-mens try to capture Noumea and Ruganvirre to get rid of immensery annoying search pranes. Seasick city boys go ashore at Koumac.
Japan-mens try rearry hard not-ah run into any more torpedoes.

[Cap Mandrake]

Crappy weathah were Mandrake-san is. Pretty sure not-ah get above 74 today. [:'(]

[zuluhour]

no sympathy!

oh yeah: "WOO WOOOOOOOOOO WOO WOOOOOOOOOOOO[:D]

[sprior]

We capture this cine reer at Singers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JX9h5Vk1rO0#t=43

[sprior]

+++++ An Aircraft Factory, Harbin +++++

Factory Foreman: Sir, we built filst Zelo

Supervisor Sato: No, stupid Chinaman, Zeroes not Zeroes. Rearn to speak properry.

[Cap Mandrake]

ORIGINAL: sprior

We capture this cine reer at Singers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JX9h5Vk1rO0#t=43

Evidentarry someone at BBC previousry work for Freet Air Arm. [:D]

[Cap Mandrake]

ORIGINAL: sprior

+++++ An Aircraft Factory, Harbin +++++

Factory Foreman: Sir, we built filst Zelo

Supervisor Sato: No, stupid Chinaman, Zeroes not Zeroes. Rearn to speak properry.

<kitchen herp entah room>


Hop Sing: OK, who likey flied lice?




EDIT: Spelled "likey" wrong.

[Cap Mandrake]

Editrix Note:

The Board has nearly reached its limit of tolerance for puerile and frankly racist characterizations in this narrative. Neither are these missives accurate to the sentiments at the time. Further displays will NOT be tolerated.

Also of concern are the glib and offensive characterizations of members of the bar.