A competition to make other forumites smile despite international events of the unfortunate kind

[Chickenboy]

ORIGINAL: Schanilec

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was bad?

They rearranged the furniture.

Didja hear what happened when Hellen Keller fell down the well?

She screamed her hand off.

[Schanilec]

Or fell off a cliff and screamed her fingers off.

Why does Helen Keller keep burning her ear?

From answering the iron.

[Chickenboy]

ORIGINAL: Schanilec

Or fell off a cliff and screamed her fingers off.

Why does Helen Keller keep burning her ear?

From answering the iron.

How did she burn her *other* ear?

[Schanilec]

All right. How?[:)]

[Chickenboy]

It called back. [:)]




ETA: Thanks for the assist. [:D]

[Schanilec]

Anytime.[:)]

[geofflambert]

ORIGINAL: Panjack

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting. They see a deer, a quite oblivious deer mind you, in the far distance.

The physicist takes the first shot, but his bullet travels 2 feet too low because in his calculations he assumed he was shooting in a vacuum. The engineer shoots next, but her bullet sails 2 feet too high because she over-compensated for air resistance. The engineer turns to the statistician and says, “It’s your turn to shoot.”

The statistician smiles and says, “No need to shoot again. We got it!”

Let me make sure I understand this. Men make bad physicists, women make poor engineers and statisticians are transgender? [&:]

[geofflambert]

ORIGINAL: Colonel Mustard

As long as we're still going....This one came up on my Joke-A-Day calendar just this week.

A French thief robs the Louvre. An otherwise perfect crime is foiled when the getaway van runs out of fuel. The thief is interrogated. The inspector asks him how, with such exquisite planning, could he overlook this critical detail? His response: "I did not have de Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Hate to be a buzz kill, but Van Gogh rhymes with the stuff that Klingons eat. The horror!

[Schanilec]

My buddy told me he and wife do it doggie style. He sits up and begs. She rolls over and plays dead.[:D]

[jamesjohns]

3 expectant mothers are talking in the Doctors office. The first woman says "I heard if the woman was on top during conception, the baby will be a girl" The second woman says "I heard if the man was on top, the baby will be a boy" The third woman cries out "I'm going to have a puppy"

[Orm]

.

[rustysi]

ORIGINAL: Orm

.

Funny, I've been to the OKC area many times, and have not seen either said dragon.[:D]

[dcpollay]

ORIGINAL: geofflambert

ORIGINAL: Colonel Mustard

As long as we're still going....This one came up on my Joke-A-Day calendar just this week.

A French thief robs the Louvre. An otherwise perfect crime is foiled when the getaway van runs out of fuel. The thief is interrogated. The inspector asks him how, with such exquisite planning, could he overlook this critical detail? His response: "I did not have de Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Hate to be a buzz kill, but Van Gogh rhymes with the stuff that Klingons eat. The horror!

Better to rhyme with their food than with the post-consumer product.

[Zorch]

ORIGINAL: rustysi

ORIGINAL: Orm

.

Funny, I've been to the OKC area many times, and have not seen either said dragon.[:D]

Did someone say Dragons?

[Panjack]

ORIGINAL: geofflambert

ORIGINAL: Panjack

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting. They see a deer, a quite oblivious deer mind you, in the far distance.

The physicist takes the first shot, but his bullet travels 2 feet too low because in his calculations he assumed he was shooting in a vacuum. The engineer shoots next, but her bullet sails 2 feet too high because she over-compensated for air resistance. The engineer turns to the statistician and says, “It’s your turn to shoot.”

The statistician smiles and says, “No need to shoot again. We got it!”

Let me make sure I understand this. Men make bad physicists, women make poor engineers and statisticians are transgender? [&:]

The average of the two shots (2 feet high & 2 feet low) was right on target.

[39battalion]

ORIGINAL: Puhis

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?

[:D][:D]



On a rather different note two of my Woody Allen favourites are :

1. I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

2. The best thing about being bi-sexual is that it doubles your chance of a date on a Saturday night.

Note:these are particularly funny after you have finished your first bottle of wine and are well into your second...

[BJStone]

ORIGINAL: wdolson

ORIGINAL: jeffk3510

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

I have a dyslexic friend who was having insomnia problems. I told her that joke and she said "thanks, I'm going to be thinking about that all night tonight!"

So then she was asleep by morning?