Dont be too serious. Lets Joke Around

[MrsWargamer]

Want to hear a great mime joke?
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So? what did you think?
Yeah I thought it was hysterical too

[simovitch]

A kid walks up to a door on Halloween dressed as a pirate and rings the bell. The lady answers the doorbell and sees the kid by himself and says "oh my, what an adorable pirate costume! but where's your buccaneers?" The kid looks at her and says "my buckin ears are on the side of my buckin head you buckin idiot!"

[Yogi the Great]

What did one sagging boob say to the other sagging boob?

If we don't get some support soon people will think we're nuts.

[Curtis Lemay]

A young lady's blind date takes her to the state fair. When they get there he asks her what she would like to do.

She says "I wanna be weighed."

So, he takes her to the guy that guesses weights.

He asks her what she would like to do next.

She says "I wanna be weighed."

So, back to the guy that guesses weights.

Thinking he's had enough of that, he makes a lame excuse and takes her home.

As she enters her house, her mother asks "How was your date, dear?"

She says "Wowzy."

[aaatoysandmore]

ORIGINAL: Aurelian

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Have to say that was pretty good; almost as good as Mrs. Wargamers [:D]

[DerJager]

Love the humor fellows. Always good to see.

You know, I actually thought I made a mistake once, but it turned out I was mistaken.

[Zorch]

ORIGINAL: DerJager

Love the humor fellows. Always good to see.

You know, I actually thought I made a mistake once, but it turned out I was mistaken.

Everything I tell you is a lie, even when I say I'm lying.

[DerJager]

ORIGINAL: Zorch

ORIGINAL: DerJager

Love the humor fellows. Always good to see.

You know, I actually thought I made a mistake once, but it turned out I was mistaken.

Everything I tell you is a lie, even when I say I'm lying.

Well, for my part, I can honestly tell you that I am not being honest.

[RFalvo69]

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

* * *

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

* * *

Billy, do you think I’m a bad mother?

My name is Paul.

[Gilmer]

Why did New York get all the lawyers and New Jersey get acid rain? New Jersey had first pick.

Here's one about Yogi Berra. He was baseball player here in America known for his unusual comments, remarks, and sayings.

One day in Florida during spring training, Yogi Berra was walking down the street in a nice suit.

A lady stops him and say, "Why Mr. Berra, you're looking pretty cool today."
Yogi Berra replies, "Lady, you don't look so hot yourself!"

Another time Yogi Berra was commenting on Dick Allen, a former player with Hall of Fame statistics, but was known as having a bad character, never getting along with anyone.

"He's a great guy, once you get to know him. But who would want to?"

Another one is from Coach Paul Bryant who coached college football and notoriously didn't get along with sportswriters. When asked if he'd like to contribute $5 dollars to a sportswriter who had died's funeral, Coach Bryant replied, "Here's a $10. Bury two."

[Titanwarrior89]

I just had to laugh at that one. [:D]

[rommel222]

The Optimist, the Pessimist and the Engineer:
Optimist says: the glass is half full
Pessimist says: the glass is half empty
Engineer says: the glass is twice as big as it needs to be

What's the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.

[rommel222]

On the lighter side of Physics:
A neutron went into a bar and asked the bartender how much for a drink?
The bartender replied that there would be no charge.

A photon checked into a hotel and the bellhop asked if there was any luggage.
The photon replied that there wasn't any since he was traveling light.

[Mike Dubost]

A mathematician, and engineer, and an accountant are each asked "what is 2+2?"

The mathematician says "It is 4.000 out to however many significant figures you have."

The engineer says "It is a number somewhere between 3 and 5. Since it is usually close to 4, we'll use 4 in this calculation."

The accountant leans back in his chair and says "What figure did you have in mind?"

[JReb]

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

[DerJager]

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”

[DerJager]

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."

[Cryfindor]

ORIGINAL: LarryP

ORIGINAL: Zorch

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I like that, simple and funny. [;)]

Me too! that's a nice joke. I have one here:

"What do you do in Finland?"
"Well normal stuff, we drink beer, stay home and...suicide"