WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the
occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too
many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best
country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe
latte, grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is
Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's livable". At
least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too
bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with
sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its
capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world
and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull
their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the
family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone
gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring
smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a
single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter
how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and
barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a
queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of
Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's
main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because
if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to
work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of
them still work there in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback
plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos,
Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the
highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek
beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although
the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of
us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to
Bali.
And there's Queensland............While any mention of God seems
silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it
is worth noting that God probably made Queensland - it's beautiful
one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads
remains a mystery.
Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous
twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are
united in our lust for international recognition.
Not that we're whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie immigrants.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be
right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our
national anthem. (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits
suicide??)
We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll
from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the
best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket,
netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We
also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest
aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.
We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and ****** by
lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded,
sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.
I am Australian.
Or am I thinking of someone else?