OT: Laughter is a good medicine

[durnedwolf]

[Chickenboy]

For a poultry person like myself, I find these guidelines intuitively helpful: [8D]

[Trugrit]

Meanwhile.....

[fcooke]

I have to say the TP thing is curious to me. The canned soup seems a bit more important to me.

[BBfanboy]

ORIGINAL: fcooke

I have to say the TP thing is curious to me. The canned soup seems a bit more important to me.

But how many cans do you have to buy to be able to use the wrappers to wipe yourself?
And don't forget to write with a sharpie on the lid what is in the can. I mean the metal can you bought, not the one where you are wiping yourself - writing on that lid would be TMI.

[RangerJoe]

ORIGINAL: BBfanboy

ORIGINAL: fcooke

I have to say the TP thing is curious to me. The canned soup seems a bit more important to me.

But how many cans do you have to buy to be able to use the wrappers to wipe yourself?
And don't forget to write with a sharpie on the lid what is in the can. I mean the metal can you bought, not the one where you are wiping yourself - writing on that lid would be TMI.

Only flush the TP, not the other papers as they will clog the system . . . [8|]

[Yaab]

Not a joke per se, but how do you differentiate between "hardtack" and "heart attack" in slurry English?

[fcooke]

BB - nice [:D]

True story - I had a tenant once, who was, quite frankly, a bit of a PITA. So, twice, not once, she decided certain products could be disposed of in the loo. After the 2nd instance I told her she could clean up the basement after the next time.

My plumber was/is a really nice guy, but he was getting a bit done with it......don't get me started on the tenants who heard beeping from the smoke detectors and needed an 'expert' come out to investigate instantly!

I do wonder these days how many people can change a tire on their car.....

[Macclan5]

Not funny.... but a little funny

[geofflambert]

What was Gandalf's explanation when they encountered a rather surly individual in Fangorn Forest? Acid ents happen.

[RangerJoe]

Do you know what is funny? When you call on a Monday about something that was supposed to have been finished and either delivered in mid-November or let it be known to me that it was finished so that I could go get it when you call, the person that you need to talk to is out until Wednesday. When a person mentions contacting the US Justice Department and filing a complaint, you get a call from said person later that day. The thing is, it was finished but the person was never told that it was finished. Oh boy, that could be an easy thing for a lawyer to win, getting a percentage of an award up to USD 300,,000.

[larryfulkerson]

Jesus was entertaining a crowd in the town square answering questions and so on when some religious leaders brought before him a woman who was allegedly caught in the act of adultery and asked Jesus if they should stone her like the scriptures call for. If he says yeah, go ahead and stone her he would be ignoring his message of forgiveness and love and if he says don't stone her he would be negating the law of Moses. So what should he say? He squatted down and started writing in the dirt with his finger and after a short minute he stood up and said: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." And then he squatted down and continued writing in the dirt. The people in the crowd were struck in their conscience that they weren't without sin and one by one they peeled off and walked away. All of a sudden a rock sailed out of the smaller crowd that was left and it struck the adulterous young woman in the forehead and knocked her down. A nasty bruise was forming and her forehead was bleeding. Jesus stood up and said" "Sometimes you really tick me off Mom."

[larryfulkerson]

"I'm Joe Shoemaker of BBC news and I'm here with William Brewster, chief of the National Transportation Board Accident Investigation team and he has a news update for us:"
[he hands the microphone to the stout fellow beside him]
"The Accident Investigation team and I have been here since midnight last night and I have some fresh statistics for everybody. A lightplane, a Cessna 172, crashed in this cemetary here at Brimshireford just south of Hampton and we have proof that the pilot and his two passengers were all killed. Also we've discovered some additional bodies that may be involved in the crash so we're extending the investigation to look into that possibility. We've dug up 278 bodies and we're still digging. This investigation may take several weeks."
[he hands the microphone back to the first fellow]
"Back to you in London, Pat."

[larryfulkerson]

An old man and his lawyer were sitting in the office of the IRS auditor who looked up from his paperwork and told them: "We've been seeing a lot of money entering and leaving your bank account lately and that's a red flag for us as you may imagine. Can you explain it for me?" And the old man said: "Sure. I'm a gambler and when I win I deposit it. And when I need money for a bet I withdraw it." And the auditor said: "you really win that much money from pot poker matches?" And the old man said: "No, no. I bet on almost everything. For example, I'll bet you $5,000 dollars I can bite my eye." The auditor thought about it for a minute and said: "You know what...you're on." Whereupon the old man took out his glass eye and bit it and put it back in the socket. The auditor said: "Aw shit, I lost." The old man said: "Don't worry...I'll give you a chance to win that back and more. How about this....I'll bet you $10,000 dollars that I can bite my other eye." And the auditor thought about it a while. He didn't see a seeing eye dog or a blind man's cain so he said: "okay, you're on." Whereupon the old man took out his false teeth and bit his other eye. "Aw shit I lost again." And the old man said: "Don't worry I'll give you a chance to win all that back and more. Tell you what....move your waste can over there against the wall and I'll stand here and piss into that waste can and nothing will touch the floor. I'll bet you $25,000 dollars that it'll all go in that waste can. What's that 15 feet? What do you think about that?" And the auditor thought about it and decided that it was impossible so he said: "Yeah, okay, you're on." Whereupon the old man stood up whipped it out and pissed all over the auditor's desk. He got the paperwork, the phone, the rolodex, everything. The auditor said: "Hurray, I win." The old man's lawyer said: "Ah shit." And the auditor said: "don't worry about it. I won." And the old man's lawyer said: "No you don't understand. On the way over here he bet me $100,000 dollars that he could piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

[BBfanboy]

ORIGINAL: larryfulkerson

Jesus was entertaining a crowd in the town square answering questions and so on when some religious leaders brought before him a woman who was allegedly caught in the act of adultery and asked Jesus if they should stone her like the scriptures call for. If he says yeah, go ahead and stone her he would be ignoring his message of forgiveness and love and if he says don't stone her he would be negating the law of Moses. So what should he say? He squatted down and started writing in the dirt with his finger and after a short minute he stood up and said: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." And then he squatted down and continued writing in the dirt. The people in the crowd were struck in their conscience that they weren't without sin and one by one they peeled off and walked away. All of a sudden a rock sailed out of the smaller crowd that was left and it struck the adulterous young woman in the forehead and knocked her down. A nasty bruise was forming and her forehead was bleeding. Jesus stood up and said" "Sometimes you really tick me off Mom."

Does anyone ever ask "Why don't you stone the adulterous man too?"

[Zorch]

ORIGINAL: BBfanboy

ORIGINAL: larryfulkerson

Jesus was entertaining a crowd in the town square answering questions and so on when some religious leaders brought before him a woman who was allegedly caught in the act of adultery and asked Jesus if they should stone her like the scriptures call for. If he says yeah, go ahead and stone her he would be ignoring his message of forgiveness and love and if he says don't stone her he would be negating the law of Moses. So what should he say? He squatted down and started writing in the dirt with his finger and after a short minute he stood up and said: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." And then he squatted down and continued writing in the dirt. The people in the crowd were struck in their conscience that they weren't without sin and one by one they peeled off and walked away. All of a sudden a rock sailed out of the smaller crowd that was left and it struck the adulterous young woman in the forehead and knocked her down. A nasty bruise was forming and her forehead was bleeding. Jesus stood up and said" "Sometimes you really tick me off Mom."

Does anyone ever ask "Why don't you stone the adulterous man too?"

Speaking of stoning...

[Chickenboy]

In these times, we all need a good pie fight. Here's two of the best:

Blake Edwards' The Great Race:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCneye8GuSo


Laurel and Hardy's The Fight of the Century:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHY5SM0YFv0

Slapstick comedy of the finest caliber. [:D][&o]

[Chickenboy]

ORIGINAL: larryfulkerson

An old man and his lawyer were sitting in the office of the IRS auditor who looked up from his paperwork and told them: "We've been seeing a lot of money entering and leaving your bank account lately and that's a red flag for us as you may imagine. Can you explain it for me?" And the old man said: "Sure. I'm a gambler and when I win I deposit it. And when I need money for a bet I withdraw it." And the auditor said: "you really win that much money from pot poker matches?" And the old man said: "No, no. I bet on almost everything. For example, I'll bet you $5,000 dollars I can bite my eye." The auditor thought about it for a minute and said: "You know what...you're on." Whereupon the old man took out his glass eye and bit it and put it back in the socket. The auditor said: "Aw shit, I lost." The old man said: "Don't worry...I'll give you a chance to win that back and more. How about this....I'll bet you $10,000 dollars that I can bite my other eye." And the auditor thought about it a while. He didn't see a seeing eye dog or a blind man's cain so he said: "okay, you're on." Whereupon the old man took out his false teeth and bit his other eye. "Aw shit I lost again." And the old man said: "Don't worry I'll give you a chance to win all that back and more. Tell you what....move your waste can over there against the wall and I'll stand here and piss into that waste can and nothing will touch the floor. I'll bet you $25,000 dollars that it'll all go in that waste can. What's that 15 feet? What do you think about that?" And the auditor thought about it and decided that it was impossible so he said: "Yeah, okay, you're on." Whereupon the old man stood up whipped it out and pissed all over the auditor's desk. He got the paperwork, the phone, the rolodex, everything. The auditor said: "Hurray, I win." The old man's lawyer said: "Ah shit." And the auditor said: "don't worry about it. I won." And the old man's lawyer said: "No you don't understand. On the way over here he bet me $100,000 dollars that he could piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

[:D]

[Zorch]

ORIGINAL: Chickenboy

In these times, we all need a good pie fight. Here's two of the best:

Blake Edwards' The Great Race:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCneye8GuSo


Laurel and Hardy's The Fight of the Century:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHY5SM0YFv0

Slapstick comedy of the finest caliber. [:D][&o]

A history of edible missiles https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSgRkBWNlBo

[durnedwolf]

A Storm from the East


Saturday, December 6th, 1941

It was a brand-spanking-new 1941 Silverside Greyhound bus, fresh off the line from Detroit and the pride of the Kansas Greyhound fleet. The Silverside was en route from Kansas City to St. Louis, a trip of almost two hundred and fifty miles that was scheduled to take almost nine hours, with four stops along the way.

At 7 am the bus had departed Kansas City. The morn was dark and the local newspaper promised that a huge winter storm was coming across from the East. There were only a few people leaving Kansas City on the 6th of December, so the best seats had been free to be occupied by the travelers.

Young Emily Dotson, all of 20 years old and a School Teacher from St. Louis, was returning from a visit with her grandmother. Emily sat next to the window on the driver's side of the bus, almost exactly betwixt the driver and the rear seating. She wore her traveling clothes, which were also her Sunday best, under a grey overcoat that was just a touch too big, and she had her reddish hair in a bun. A splatter of freckles dusted a pretty face with blue eyes. She would gaze out the window for a bit, then read a passage or three from the traveling bible that rested on her lap, and then gaze again at the winter landscape as the bus travelled along its route.

An older gentleman was in the seating directly across from her. He too was seated next to a window, reading an article regarding the Lend-Lease Act and shipments planned for countries in a war far away. Presently he slapped his newspaper down on the empty isle seat next to him, seeming angered over something he had just read.

The movement caught Emily's attention. She glanced at the older gentleman, his face twisted uncharitably, and with a slight nod to him and a brief smile that touched only her lips, she started to turn her head back towards the window and the outside scenery.

"Hrrumph," the man uttered, staring down the young woman across from him until she turned her head towards him.

"Perhaps you'd care to engage in conversation with me, you know, to help pass the time until we arrive at our destinations?"

Emily wished the man would have remained in silence. Nonetheless, she did not wish to appear rude to the stranger.

"Alright, she replied. "What would you like to talk about?"

The man across from her, Hubert Goodwinkle, was truly in a foul mood and looking for someone to take it out on. He figured she'd do for starters. Spying the bible on her lap, he initiated a topic of conversation sure to rile those foolish enough to waste their Sundays in church praying to their invisible gods.

"Oh, I don't know: how about why there is no Heaven or Hell, no afterlife, and no God?" He replied in a gruff rumbling voice.

Emily was dismayed that a man would possess such temerity as to seek conversation with a stranger, only to belittle her faith. She managed to keep her composure, although it cost her some little effort. Quick-thinking plus a habit of sharing her strong opinions, was most likely a strong reason why she was still unmarried. She just had not found a man that could appreciate her virtues and vices.

"Let me ask a question first, If I may?" She asked, her eyes narrowing ever so slightly.

Hubert nodded to her, somewhat surprised at her polite tone of voice. She must be turning her other cheek, he thought to himself.

Emily posed her question. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes small pellets, a cow produces patties, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that?"

Hubert paused for a moment, somewhat shocked at the question and the obvious intelligence of the young woman. It seemed apparent to him that she read more than just the bible on her lap. He mulled the question over for a few seconds, trying to figure out where she was going with the question.

"Hrumph," he started, as to clear his throat. "I honestly have no idea."

To which Emily replied, "Then do you really feel qualified to discuss Heaven, Hell, or God when you don't know sh!te?"

Hubert's jaw nearly dropped to his chest and his eyes grew large at the young lady's reply. He literally had no response for her and was bereft of speech.

"Well then," Emily said pleasantly while noting the man across from her seemed speechless. "I guess that's that."

She turned to gaze back out her window.

There were a few stifled giggles and perhaps a snorted laugh or three from about the bus. The rest of the way to their first destination, the bus was strangely quite other than an odd giggle now and then.

The man got off at the next stop, taking his foul temper with him.

On the 7th day of December, following a storm from the East, Japan brought America to war It would seem that the military leaders of Japan too, did not know sh!te.