JOKES

Lokioftheaesir · Post by **Lokioftheaesir** » Thu Jan 17, 2002 2:52 pm

To all

Lets have a joke thread to make life interesting.

To start

Sex Life?
A man who is playing golf is ahead by a couple of strokes. The man says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps it's a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the putt. So he says,"OK." He sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says,
"Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
At the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
He says nothing, but the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The
golfer says, "Certainly." And he makes an eagle. As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, the stranger says, "You know, I've not been fair with you
because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "I'm Father O'Malley."

Loki

Hetz(er) · Post by **Hetz(er)** » Fri Jan 18, 2002 1:40 am

What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?.............................................................................................................a new name <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

BvB · Post by **BvB** » Fri Jan 18, 2002 4:47 am

It's 1917 and after a long tour at the front, our hero, Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot gets a few days leave. He visits his girlfriend Maria and takes her out on a picnic by the river Seine. As they sit eating and drinking wine, Maria says, "oh Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre stops, grabs a bottle and splashes some wine on her lips and face. Startled, Maria says "Pierre! What are you doing?!" "I'm Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I want red wine to go with it!" Maria shugs bewildered and they start to kiss passionately. After awhile Maria sighs and says, "oh Pierre, kiss me lower". Soon her blouse is off, but Pierre stops what he's doing, grabs another bottle and splashes wine on her chest. "Pierre, what the heck are you doing??!" "I'm Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat, I want white wine to go with it!" She shakes her head, they continue and things start to really heat up. Soon Maria sighs again and says, "oh please, Pierre! Kiss me lower!" And with that the rest of her clothes are off. Again Pierre stops, grabs a bottle of Cognac and spashes in between her thighs. Maria opens her eyes, but then decides not to object, but to enjoy the moment. Suddenly, Pierre lights a match and tosses it between her thighs. Maria screams and jumps into the river to extinguish the flame. "Pierre! What the hell do you think you are doing??!!!"
"I'm Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!"

Hetz(er) · Post by **Hetz(er)** » Fri Jan 18, 2002 10:41 am

There was an Irishman, Padaric O'Flaherty by name, who decided to visit his family in America. One of his cousins turned out to host a small talk show on one of the cable channels and invited him to be a guest on his show. Padaric appears at the appointed time and he and cousin chat for a bit. His cousin, always desperate for fodder for his show is overjoyed because Padaric is modest, charming and funny. The show begins, the red light over the camera blinks to life and the host turns to Padaric and says "Tell us about the Troubles you're having in Northern Ireland".
Padaric leaps to his feet, looks down on his cousin and exclaims "Troubles, there's no troubles in Northern Ireland! The Irish are a gentle Godfearing folk who would not willingly so much as bruise the petals on a flower! It's all the fault of the English newspapers and their Wicked, Sinful exageration of our harmless national pastime. Now I will admit that occasionally voices have been raised and to my everlasting shame even harsh words said, but Troubles, Nonsense there's no Troubles in Northern Ireland"!!!
The host, more than a little taken aback by the vehemence of his cousins response, blinks a couple of times as he casts frantically about for a safer question and finally comes out with "What do you do for a living in Belfast? Mr. O'Flaherty". and Padaric replies:
Oh, I'm the tail gunner on a school bus.

Tomanbeg · Post by **Tomanbeg** » Fri Jan 18, 2002 11:23 am

While I can't match any of those gems;
There once was a sailor named Buster,
Who had multipule penises in a cluster,
He could achieve an erection
In any direction,
And afterwards be used as a duster.
Or:
There once was a girl named Alice,
Who used a dynamite stick as a Phallus,
Well they found her virgina,
In north carolina
And part of her anus in Dallas.

This guy had just borded his flight to LA when a stunningly beautiful woman gets on the plane, and while looking at her ticket, walks toward the Row he is in. Sure enough, It's his lucky day and she sits down next to him. After take off, everybody gets comfortable and he says to her;
"Going to LA on business?"
She says "sort-of" I have to give the key-note speech at the nympomanics convention."
He can't believe his luck. "That must present a real challenge"
"No" she said, "I've done my research. You Know the myth about Blacks being the best Endowed? I've discovered it's really the American Indian."
"Is that a fact" he says.
"Yes, and I've also discovered that Jewish men are the most skilled lovers, but Rednecks have the best endurance. But enough about me, what's your name?"
"Tonto" He says, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends all call me Bubba."
T.

Lokioftheaesir · Post by **Lokioftheaesir** » Fri Jan 18, 2002 4:02 pm

Originally posted by Tomanbeg:
....."Tonto" He says, ........
T.

Tomanbeg

Remember the series 'The lone ranger'
There is the lone ranger and 'tonto' fighting for the goodness and rightness.

Someone told me that 'tonto' means 'idiot' in english. Is this true?? What a kack....What a double play...

Nick

BvB · Post by **BvB** » Sun Jan 20, 2002 12:29 am

It's God's job to forgive Osama bin Ladin.
It's the American military's job to arrange him a face to face meeting...

Lokioftheaesir · Post by **Lokioftheaesir** » Sun Jan 20, 2002 2:02 am

A new one...

In a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yerz, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything. <img src="biggrin.gif" border="0">

Loki

Tomanbeg · Post by **Tomanbeg** » Sun Jan 20, 2002 3:49 am

Originally posted by Lokioftheaesir:

Tomanbeg

Remember the series 'The lone ranger'
There is the lone ranger and 'tonto' fighting for the goodness and rightness.

Someone told me that 'tonto' means 'idiot' in english. Is this true?? What a kack....What a double play...

Nick

I've heard it means "fool", but I've asked 3 Indians that are friends of mine. One a seminole, one a creek(I think, he is from the mussel shoals area of alabama), and one who was an apache. ALL three claimed it was a white man's word, so I suspect a Vast Original American Conspiracy( or VOAC), In which case I've been voaced. Not the first time by them.
T.

Lokioftheaesir · Post by **Lokioftheaesir** » Sun Jan 20, 2002 3:17 pm

Originally posted by Tomanbeg:

I've heard it means "fool", but I've asked 3 Indians that are friends of mine. One a seminole, one a creek(I think, he is from the mussel shoals area of alabama), and one who was an apache. ALL three claimed it was a white man's word, so I suspect a Vast Original American Conspiracy( or VOAC), In which case I've been voaced. Not the first time by them.
T.

Tomanbeg

Actually the ranger should have been tonto. Tonto always seemed a fair big smarter than the masked man and hid it with a barely concealed smirk.

Nick

MagnusOlsson · Post by **MagnusOlsson** » Wed Jan 23, 2002 1:30 am

Originally posted by Lokioftheaesir:

Tomanbeg

Actually the ranger should have been tonto. Tonto always seemed a fair big smarter than the masked man and hid it with a barely concealed smirk.

Nick

I have two cousins from Colombia who was adopted at a late age. They spoke only street-spanish (or drug-smuggling lingo) when they came to Sweden, and they called everyone who they didn't like 'Tonto Mallo'; supposedly it meant something in the way of Stupid & Mean.

Lokioftheaesir · Post by **Lokioftheaesir** » Thu Jan 31, 2002 5:46 pm

Coincidence

I was sent this joke which mentions that name (tonto)

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat
right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,
"Business trip or vacation?". "Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she
says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of
the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is
that African American men are the most
well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."

Suddenly, the Woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".

"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand.

"Tonto Papadopoulos"

hehe

PS. Tomanbeg, i just read a story that centered on several north american indian gods. Have you heard of the names Heammawihio and Aktunowihio? I found the story told of indian gods to be very interesting especially as they (so the book says) had no version of the devil, no black and white morality.
Smart thinking.
(in a grey world)

Loki