Bernie vs. Goblin Continuous Report

Bernie · Post by **Bernie** » Fri Apr 26, 2002 11:52 pm

Originally posted by Mogami
Shame and eternal shame, nothing but shame!
Let us die in honour: once more back again;
And he that will not follow Goblin now,
Let him go hence, and with his cap in hand,
Like a base pander, hold the chamber-door
Whilst by a slave, no gentler than my dog,
His fairest daughter is contaminated

ROFLMAO!!! This is great stuff I think I'll turn it into a musical:eek:

The battle is Goblin's glory!
The fighting hole his throne;
For ages bright in story,
This PBEM is his own.
In war the first, the fearless
His standard leads the brave,
In peace he reigns so peerless,
The bravest of the brave!

The battle is Bernie's splendour!
His wealth the mighty Nebelwerfer;
He is the Reich's defender;
Giving Goblin's troops the what fer;
His gallant sons in story
Stand bravest of the brave,
Oh! Bernie's strength and glory
Are on his rockets by the wave!

<applause> Vunderful! Vunderful! By the vey, I know this little cabaret we could debut the musical in... Just promise me, when we get to Broadway that Rosie O'Donnel plays the part of "Goblin", deal?

Goblin · Post by **Goblin** » Fri Apr 26, 2002 11:55 pm

You talk the talk, now walk the walk. Walking is what you will do, because you don't seem to have as many vehicles as before. On the south flank, I claim a Moebelwagon, a Flammpanzer III, and a scout car. I arranged a few motorcycles for the enthusiasts in my units also. Thankyou. OUCH! Pulled an M10 into the smoke on the north flank (despite knowing better). I doubt the crew even saw that Flammpanzer III!:(

I put a crap load of bullet marks in some APC's too, but the camo paint should hide them.

I can't relay your message to my arty crews, as I cannot get them to pick up the phone. I think they are celebrating my imminent victory.

Goblin- A Goblin is joyous;)

Goblin · Post by **Goblin** » Fri Apr 26, 2002 11:56 pm

Mogami,

That was your best yet!! Good Job!:)

Goblin

mogami · Post by **mogami** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 12:08 am

<applause> Vunderful! Vunderful! By the vey, I know this little cabaret we could debut the musical in... Just promise me, when we get to Broadway that Rosie O'Donnel plays the part of "Goblin", deal? by Bernie

Hi, I don't know I kind of like Conan O'Brian for the lpart of Goblin
and Yogi Berra as Bernie

or maybe I will adapt 'Bull Durham' (like ESPN)

Goblin (jumping up and down yelling at his troops cowering in their holes) "You lolligag around in the attack, you lolligag around in the defense, whats that make you?"

XO " Lolligaggers"

Goblin "Lolligaggers"...."Whats our PBEM record?"

XO "8 and 16"

Goblin " 8 and 16 how'd we ever win 8?"

XO "It's a miracle"

Goblin "It's a miracle"

Goblin · Post by **Goblin** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 12:41 am

My troops do not 'cower in their holes'! They cleverly seek cover, waiting for the opportunity to aggressively attack. Some inspect the bottom of their holes for unexploded shells, or perhaps spare grenades to hurl at Nazis. Maybe they are reading the "How To Kill a Nazi With Your Spare Grenades" manual. Mayhaps some are shaving, or having fun with little GI Joe. They are NOT cowering!

Thats my war face!

Goblin- A Goblin is fierce

Bernie · Post by **Bernie** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 1:53 am

Ah! Possibly the best turn of the battle so far! Yes, you got a Flammpanzer, a scout, and a little AA unit, but you really need to work on your recon skills! Sending an M10 directly in front of a Flammpanzer III, and then doing the same thing with a Ranger squad trying to infiltrate! Oh MY were they, "burned up" over that! The best part is, the Flammpanzer III the Rangers ran into had been sitting there immobilized since turn #1... it couldn't even have turned to fire at them if they'ed come from any other direction!

I'm trying to imagine the little scene as this happened...

<Flammpanzer crew dozing in their tank, waiting for the mechanics>

THUNK! "hummph? Fritz...hey Fritzie!" "What do you want NOW, Hans? I was dreaming about that cute fraulin at the gasthaus.." "I think something hit the tank...maybe the mechanics are here?" "Well look out the viewport you idiot!"

<Hans opens the shutter on the viewport>

Meanwhile...on the American side... "Hey Sarge...are we gonna wander in these woods all night? I can't see my hand in front of my face!" "Quit your complaining Rogers... The captian said infiltrate, so we infiltrate. Can't do that walking down the road like tourists, can we?" "Okay sarge but...THUNK! Owww! Jeez that hurt!" "What now Rogers?" "Aww jeez sarge, I smacked my head on this low hanging tree limb..." "Tree limb? What tree limb?" "This one right here sarge...this straight one..." "Straight one? Rogers you idiot! That's not a tree limb it's a barre...."

<Back inside the Flammpanzer>

"Fritzie! It's not the mechanics... It looks...it looks like an American... He's holding his head... I think he walked into the barrel... There's other Americans too... They're all looking at the end of the barrel..." <Fritz reaches up and pulls the trigger on the flamethrower>

WHHOOOOOSSHHHH!

"Okay Hans? Now let me get back to sleep...and that fraulin!" "Okay Fritz. I'll wake you again if anyone else walks into the tank."

ZzzzzzzZzzzzzzZzzzz....

Goblin · Post by **Goblin** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 4:07 am

My Rangers don't need to work on their recon skills, they DID find the Flammpanzer, didn't they?:D Its what to do once they find the tank that we are working on.

Speaking of working on skills, your FJ's weren't up to par, so my 101st boys gave them a little 101 in Small Unit Tactics, via professor Garand. I got two more scout cars, and there are a few more empty MC's laying about.

Our northern map edge is a cauldron of dieing Airborne (both sides), smoking wrecks and burning trees. Our southern map edge, right near a huge orchard, is really warming up also. The top and bottom thirds of the map are pretty heavily forested, and the fighting is up close!:mad:

The center is open terrain, and so far is only being lightly probed by Bernie.

I have spotted my first Big Cat! A Panther G! Uh-Oh.

Thats alright, we'll call it a safari outting, and have a picnic. It'll be fun. We need new rugs at the 101st HQ anyway. To quote M4Jess, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty!'.

I finally got hold of every gun I own in one turn! Unfortunately, one of the 155 batteries was apparently captured by Germans, because they landed a salvo accurately enough to disperse some of my Airborne boys.

I guess that nabs the old Iron Cross, eh?

Goblin- A Goblin is frustrated

Bernie · Post by **Bernie** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 6:35 am

Originally posted by Goblin
The center is open terrain, and so far is only being lightly probed by Bernie.

I have spotted my first Big Cat! A Panther G! Uh-Oh. Thats alright, we'll call it a safari outting, and have a picnic. It'll be fun. We need new rugs at the 101st HQ anyway. To quote M4Jess, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty!'.

I finally got hold of every gun I own in one turn! Unfortunately, one of the 155 batteries was apparently captured by Germans, because they landed a salvo accurately enough to disperse some of my Airborne boys. I guess that nabs the old Iron Cross, eh?

Goblin- A Goblin is frustrated

"...only being lightly probed..."? I just finished dumping about 30 tons of rockets on that area for two turns straight. THAT was the probing... What happens now is the attack.

Ah! So your artillery crew enjoyed the treat I sent them from the local gasthous and bordello? What did you think I meant when I said the "pussycats" are coming? Naughty Goblin!

Well, it seems you were a bit worried about the other kinds of "cats" I may be sending you... Enough so that you called up some cats of your own from your reserves...M18 Hellcats that is. My scout car crews want to thank you for that. Many of them only had 20mm guns, and the armor on the Wolverine's would deflect those. Not the M18's though! That light armor of theirs is like tissue paper for my 20mm's. Oh, and the heavier armor on the Wolverine's will stop some 20mm rounds, but not all of them, as the crew of the tank parked outside the cabaret in town found out. Flakveir's chew them up pretty well, though I did have to call in something a little heavier to finish it off, after knocking out the motor, treads and turret with a Mobelwagen.

Like you, I can neither confirm or deny the use of Panther G's in this battle, but smart commanders would be well advised to study their recognition tables carefully.

One thing you did succeed in doing though was making one of my airborne troops break out their fresh undies. They'd just finished off one of those pesky Ranger squads you slipped in, and were "high 5'ing" each other when the whistle of 155's coming in filled the air. They all grabbed dirt and hung on but it was only smoke you were dropping, probably to cover the retreat of those Rangers. One poor trooper caught a piece of a smoke shell down his trousers and had to put them out by "wetting" himslef...at least that's what he claims. You were >< that close... Had they been HE... ah well, the fortunes of war.

Goblin · Post by **Goblin** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 6:48 am

A Panther is a Panther. Yeah, couldn't resist the Hellcats, too easy of a joke! I got a Moebelwagon (are you BREEDING them or something?) and a scout car or two. I also killed some FJ's. A coupla platoons. I am sure a coupla them WERE airborne with all the bazooka rnds I was flinging. Your Cats seem reluctant to come out and play. Maybe you want to go try a different sandbox?:p

My guys musta got the clap from your 'gifts', because my arty was on time and on target this turn. Very few, if any, dead Krauts, but on target.

Two words Bernie- Counter Attack!:mad:

Goblin- A Goblin advances

Supervisor · Post by **Supervisor** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 7:01 am

This is the best soap opera I've ever seen.:p

Goblin · Post by **Goblin** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 8:19 am

Originally posted by Bernie
BTW, what ever happened to those paratroops you tried to use? They make it home okay? Let's see, I think I counted 5 C47's, at two sticks per plane that's ten squads of troops I shouldn't have to worry about.

I am sure by now that you have figured out that the 'paras' were non-existant. Thats right, 8 empty transports dropping leaflets on your troops. "Give it up Fritzy. America loves you. Surrender or be hunted down like dogs and shot. The USA loves you."

Its a good way to draw off some heat from the front, or at least upset an opponents stomach!

Goblin- A Goblin is sly:)

Bernie · Post by **Bernie** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 8:50 am

Originally posted by Goblin

I am sure by now that you have figured out that the 'paras' were non-existant. Thats right, 8 empty transports dropping leaflets on your troops. "Give it up Fritzy. America loves you. Surrender or be hunted down like dogs and shot. The USA loves all."

Its a good way to draw off some heat from the front, or at least upset an opponents stomach!

Goblin- A Goblin is sly:)

Well, I knew there weren't any chutes, but I'd assumed they turned back because of the heavy AA.

Anyway...you've been wondering about my "cats"... Wonder no longer. The cats are here and having a wonderful time hunting wolverine....yum! And my! You have been a busy shopper, haven't you? Shermans as well as Hellcats! One of my late MC squads bumped into a pair of them a moment ago. My valient, if somewhat impetuous, bikers tried to take one out with a grenade and didn't make it. But they did radio back a location to the nearest FO, who promptly ... well, you'll see soon enough. A little game of "Ring Around the Sherman" anyone? In honor of the occasion I'm renaming all my nebelwurfers to Peabody's...so fitting.

chief · Post by **chief** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 9:31 am

I knew it, I knew it, it would be great if these two got a battle going.....fantastic AARs guys, really enjoying same. Unfortunately I only one more night of Forum Watching and my better half and I off for a 30 day excursion to visit house apes in the North country. So I'm not going to read the end of the Abbot and Costello show until I return to the sunny southland. Great battle and I'll be looking forward to all I miss when I return which I will label as Great Expectations......remember only one will survive, who will the tribe vote off ? Why the weakest link, of course.

:rolleyes:

Goblin · Post by **Goblin** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 9:48 am

Found your southern Panthers. End result- 1 wounded Panther A, 1 dead Wolverine, and 1 dead Hellcat. I can see four of them, on the south flank. That Flammpanzer sitting there took a 60mm pamphlet thru the roof. BOOM.

My Rangers did better after target practice. They killed a Hummel with rifle fire thru the open top, and killed two more with bazookas, plus they got a halftrack.
I can see three more Mobelwagons, and killed a fourth with my AB troops, using Bazooka Brand Condoms. A Jagdpanther almost got a Wolverine by the villa, and I can see two!:(

Surrender McGuyver. Hall of Fame or not, your troops still burn!;) :p

Goblin- A Goblin is accurate

Bernie · Post by **Bernie** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 10:32 am

Originally posted by Goblin
Found your southern Panthers. End result- 1 wounded Panther A, 1 dead Wolverine, and 1 dead Hellcat. I can see four of them, on the south flank. That Flammpanzer sitting there took a 60mm pamphlet thru the roof. BOOM. My Rangers did better after target practice. They killed a Hummel with rifle fire thru the open top, and killed two more with bazookas, plus they got a halftrack.
I can see three more Mobelwagons, and killed a fourth with my AB troops, using Bazooka Brand Condoms. A Jagdpanther almost got a Wolverine by the villa, and I can see two!:(

Surrender McGuyver. Hall of Fame or not, your troops still burn!;) :p

Goblin- A Goblin is accurate

Arrggh! Those Rangers and their bazookas... The M9's carried by your bazooka squads are bad enough, but at least those are teams and easier to kill. These Rangers though... Bazookas used against soft targets are too devastating. It needs to be balanced out by letting the pazerfusts hit soft targets as well. Ah well, that's war. Goblin, I think you have this one in the bag, but next game I'm getting Strumtigers...

Goblin · Post by **Goblin** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 10:40 am

Originally posted by Bernie
next game I'm getting Strumtigers...

Who you fighting next game? I don't want no part of no Sturmtiger!!!!:eek:

Those things are tracked death.

From the armor I saw, I don't have nothing in a bag, box, crate, or pocket yet! We'll see after my turn.

Goblin-A Goblin is terrified

Goblin · Post by **Goblin** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 11:10 am

Not much progress by either of us that time. Killed a flame tank. Gonna lose an M10, couldn't rally him, and Bernie pulled a Jagdpanther up at around 6 or so hexes. Dropped arty on it, probably wont help.

Each lost a coupla squads, and there is still wicked arty flying all over. Hard to move anything without an engine!

Goblin- A Goblin is pinned down:mad:

mogami · Post by **mogami** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 1:37 pm

HEART (It must be baseball season)

Goblin
You've gotta have heart
All you really need is heart
When the odds are sayin' you'll never win
That's when the grin should start
You've gotta have hope
Mustn't sit around and mope
Nothin's half as bad as it may appear
Drink another beer and hope
When your guns are hit'in zero
Get your chin up off the floor
Mister you can be a hero
You can open any door, there's nothin' to it but to do it
You've gotta have heart
Miles 'n miles n' miles of heart
Oh, it's fine to be a genius of course
But keep that old horse
Before the cart
First you've gotta have heart

Ranger
A great AT gun we haven't got

Paratrooper
A great Tank we haven't got

Bazooka Joe
A great core-force we haven't got

Ranger, Paratrooper and Bazooka Joe
What've we got?

ALL
We've got heart
All you really need is heart
When the odds are sayin' you'll never win
That's when the grin should start

Ranger, Paratrooper and Goblin
We've got hope
We don't sit around and mope
Not a solitary sob do we heave
Mister, 'cause we've got hope

Ranger
We're so happy that we're hummin'

ALL
Hmm-hmm-hmm

Goblin
That's the hearty thing to do

ALL
Hoo-hoo-hoo

Paratrooper
'Cause we know our reinforcments will come in

ALL
Hmm-hmm-hmm

Ranger
So their ten turns overdue

ALL
Hoo-hoo-hoo
We've got heart
Miles 'n miles 'n miles o' heart

Goblin
Oh, it's fine to be a genius of course

BOYS
Butt keep that old horse before the cart

Goblin
So what the hecks the use of cryin'?

Paratrooper
Why should we curse?

Ranger
We've gotta get better, 'cause we can't get worse!

ALL
And to add to it, we've got heart
We've got heart
We've got heart

We've got heartAll you really need is heart
When the odds are sayin' you'll never win
That's when the grin should start

Bazooka Joe
We're so happy that we're laughin'

ALL
Ha ha ha

Goblin
That's the hearty thing to do

ALL
Hoo-hoo-hoo

Bazooka Joe
So we ain't been autographin'

ALL
Ha ha ha

Ranger
'Cept to sign an I.O.U.

ALL
Hoo-hoo-hoo

ALL
We've got heart
Miles 'n miles n' miles of heart
Oh, it's fine to be a genius of course
But keep that old horse
Before the cart

Paratrooper
Who minds those ole rockets flyin'?

Bazooka Joe
The flampanzers and their crews

Ranger
The army has been consistent

Paratrooper
Yeah, we always lose

THREE BOYS
But we're laughin' cause... We've got heart

ALL FOUR BOYS
We've got heart... We've got heart

Bernie · Post by **Bernie** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 1:43 pm

Originally posted by Goblin
Not much progress by either of us that time. Killed a flame tank. Gonna lose an M10, couldn't rally him, and Bernie pulled a Jagdpanther up at around 6 or so hexes. Dropped arty on it, probably wont help. Each lost a coupla squads, and there is still wicked arty flying all over. Hard to move anything without an engine!

Goblin- A Goblin is pinned down:mad:

Couldn't see that M10 for all the junk in the air so I sent in a halftrack and Moebelwagen to take care of the problem. Scratch one Wolverine. Visibility is a real problem in this battle. I have some Rangers infiltrating my rear areas (don't you just hate Rangers in your rear areas...like hemmrhoids with bazookas...yep, a real pain in the rear) and they are so hard to spot, even when I know exactly where they are, I can, and have, drive over them and not get them to pop up. I can "Z" fire all day long at the hex they're in with no results. Drive an MC squad through them. Park a halftrack on top of them...nada! No Rangers. Next turn, here they go with the bazookas again, instant 99% suppression for any infantry unit they hit, or what's left of them.

(NOTE: I really think this is a serious problem in the game, the ability of the US player to use bazookas as man portable close support artillery against soft targets. It seems every squad has one too. I'll have to ressurect the thread that was discussing this.)

Anyway, back at the war... I did manage to finally take out two of the Ranger squads by direct fire with a pair of Hummels. Next up was an unlucky M18 on the southern road that had the misfortune to run into an ATG halftrack and a platoon of Panthers. Then, up north of the village, on the slopes of a modest hill overlooking what used to be a very large orchard but now resembles nothing so much as possibly a lunar strip-mining operation, one of my airborne units had an argument with a Sherman, which the Sherman lost when someone stuck a panzerfaust up its tailpipes... didn't do the enemy airborne squad it was carrying any good either.

All in all not a bad nights work so far.

Goblin · Post by **Goblin** » Sat Apr 27, 2002 9:03 pm

Another good one Mogami. You never answered my question about having a library next-door!:)

Goblin

Bernie vs. Goblin Continuous Report

After turn comment

On Broadway

As the Sherman turns

End of counter offensive

Re: End of counter offensive

Re: Re: End of counter offensive

Goblin versus Bernie (the Musical)