OT- Ha !

[Raverdave]

.....by John Cleese.

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and ‘neighbour', skipping the letter 'U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that 'burg' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with the correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words used as fillers such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twits like Daphne in Frasier. You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire and Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full body armour like nancies. We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

You should also stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick-cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

The Queen

[Terminus]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

[Ursa MAior]

Whoa now that's good. I am late becuz of this.

[Dixie]

[:D][:D][:D]

[captskillet]

Well in light of the following facts....that about this time in 1781........

Realizing the situation was hopeless, Cornwallis sent forth a British drummer on October 17, followed by a British officer with a white flag and note indicating a request for a cease fire. A number of notes passed between Cornwallis and Washington that day as they set the framework for the surrender. The next day, October 18, four officers--one American, one French and two British--met at the Moore House, one mile outside Yorktown, to settle surrender terms.

On October 19, in a spectacle incredible to all who witnessed it, most of Cornwallis' army marched out of Yorktown between two lines of allied soldiers-- Americans on one side and French on the other--that stretched for more than one mile. The British marched to a field where they laid down their arms, and returned to Yorktown.

News of the British defeat at Yorktown spread quickly. Celebrations took place throughout the United States. London was shocked. The British prisoners were marched to prison camps in Winchester, Virginia and Frederick, Maryland.

We don't think we'll handing over jack anytime soon [;)] , sorry guys but after 225 years you got to learn to let it go [:D]!

[Terminus]

Ah, but the point is, nobody who was around then is around now. Face it, gang... you blew it...[:'(]

[captskillet]

Term thats your opinion and you know what opinios are like [:D] , the point is there are enough of us around who 'remember' what it was like and what it is supposed to be that I dont think U can come take it [:'(] [;)] !

[Terminus]

Heh. I remember seeing a newspaper headline in a British paper after the 2004 elections: "How can 59 million people be SO DUMB???".

[Mike Solli]

Careful T. Let's not go down that road. [:-]

[Terminus]

Sorry, forgot to add some smileys...

But you're right, obviously...

[Ron Saueracker]

Brilliant Dave![:D]

[LargeSlowTarget]

Old but still very funny![/align]

[Honda]

Yeah, cerful Term. Or you'll get Denmark nuked. If it leaves you unfullfilled you can always poke at small countries like Croatia. I heard somewhere it's fun and completely safe. And when one of us gets insulted it's like at the zoo. Fun to watch but with a feeling taht it just ain't right caferully tucked under the pillow. Bah, whatever...

[Terminus]

Whoa, calm down, Honda...[X(][8|]

[Terminus]

The road we shouldn't go down was the "Politics-On-The-Forum" road, and I agree with that 100%

I will, however, mercilessly poke fun at my American friends whenever I feel like it...

[niceguy2005]

Very funny RaverDave. [:D]

Of course that sort of letter was what started the whole 1775 incident. We don't want that again now do we?[:-]

Cheer up though. If England wants the States back so badly maybe Congress will annex it as a territory or something. [:'(]

[Howard Mitchell]

It's funny (except, perhaps, if you are an American) but it isn't by John Cleese. See the Snopes urban myths website:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

There's an amusing American reply in the Snopes article to.

[Terminus]

Interesting how one of the American replies request that Britishers stop thinking of the French as "Spawn of Satan"...

[Rob Brennan UK]

You mean we aren't the 51st state already ?..

1) Already the number of lawyers and personal injury claims are rising to yankee levels.

2) Mr Blair is a Gdubya lacky/fanboy

3) MacDonalds

4) The kids here have black american accents ( even the white/asian/indian subcontinent ones)

5) Rap .. (silent C not included)

6) The popularity of friends and frazier

etc.

Term - just make a few cartoons of GWB [;)]

Disclaimer :- this is not a political post nor meant to offend anyone of any ethnic/national/religious grouping. Nor is it heightist, sexist, anti-semitic, racist or any other form of -ist.

Disclaimer added to prevent libel or claims for sueing [;)]

Dislaimer for the disclaimer :- obviously the disclaimer is false [:'(]


sorry.. could not resist [:D][:D][:D]

[Terminus]

ORIGINAL: Rob Brennan UK

Term - just make a few cartoons of GWB [;)]

Can't... Not as long as this country's Prime Minister is fighting with His Tonyness over the position as Dubya's lapdog...[:D]