I can not remember how I got this but figured some of you would enjoy reading it.
- David
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100
000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety... WAY TOO COOL! [:'(]
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself
a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be
considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little
I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I
m still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return. Still in shock.
P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! Just the
idea of being shot with it again makes my nipples start twitching.
So if you think Education is difficult, try being stupid!
and Floating Paratroopers We grew up with Minor, Marginal and Decisive victories why rock the boat with Marginal, Decisive and Legendary?
