The Complete Military History of France:

PzB74 · Post by **PzB74** » Tue Feb 18, 2003 3:29 am

I apologies if this offends anyone its just that I found it funny...Its
about France's war record.....

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The Complete Military History of France:

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Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache. They've been beaten so many times there's no fight left in them. There's no national anthem in the world as ludicrous as France's

To arms, to arms, ye brave!
Th'avenging sword unsheathe!
March on, march on, all hearts resolved
On liberty or death.

Oh liberty can man resign thee,
Once having felt thy gen'rous flame?
Can dungeons, bolts, and bar confine thee?
Or whips thy noble spirit tame?

Can dungeons, bolts, and bar confine thee? Or whips thy noble spirit tame? Yes, demonstrably. The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

cheers,

Hades · Post by **Hades** » Tue Feb 18, 2003 5:07 am

France??? Military???
very funny:D

Pawlock · Post by **Pawlock** » Tue Feb 18, 2003 7:53 am

If I was French , I would be offended!!!!

Not aimed at poster, but the person who wrote that sounds like an American with an ego bigger than his intellect.

Anyway, dont be to quick to critisize the French, they been fighting Wars way before N.Americans.

They also produced argubly the most abled Military tactician of all time in Napolean, so much so that most countries still use many off his tactics in training and teaching today.

Rune Iversen · Post by **Rune Iversen** » Tue Feb 18, 2003 12:15 pm

Heja Norge.

Kom over til Art of Wargaming og se mig tæve svenskerne i Steel Panthers:D

Nyrkki · Post by **Nyrkki** » Tue Feb 18, 2003 2:07 pm

Now this is a good example how you can distort history for your own purposes. I it suited better, you could also argue that the English lost the hundred year war, "mostly". The English definitely lost the war of American independence and if I remember my history lessons correctly Britain and France were on the same side i both world wars.

So why isn't anyone making up equally selective "complete" list of Englands military history? or more to the point: would this list be circulating the net if France would stand side by side with USA against Iraq?

First time I read this, I found it mildly amusing, but after seeing it on four different forums and now resubmitted here it's just boring I think.

Nyrkki

PzB74 · Post by **PzB74** » Tue Feb 18, 2003 4:30 pm

Yes indeed, it is a little...inflamatory against the French

But they'll live...

It's amusing, especially because I've had it with peacemongers crying their hearts out for Mr Sodam Insane! Don't they realise what good tv this would make?

Why don't they ever sit down on Mr Kim's doorstep and cry about it? His people eats boiled grass while Kim watches Daffy Duck cartoons and threatens with nuclear devastation!

Maybe because they would be shot on the spot...?

Sodam is a chromosome away from being a perfect Adolf clone...but who cares! Let him gas em all.

Talk about being consistent!

Even though more than a little arrogant and in danger of becoming victim of the famous group thinking that led to the Bay of Pigs, I'll throw in my lot with Uncle Sam!

I've never liked big crowds anyway

Let the missiles fly and cry havoc!

rockymtndoc · Post by **rockymtndoc** » Tue Feb 18, 2003 11:20 pm

PzB - this is great! I printed it, framed it and hung it in my den!

Bernard · Post by **Bernard** » Wed Feb 19, 2003 2:11 am

This has been posted on Art of Wargaming about 2 weeks ago.

Ludovic Coval · Post by **Ludovic Coval** » Wed Feb 19, 2003 7:15 am

PzB,

Please dont use this forum but rather AoW one. Only my personal feeling but this forum is usually a quiet place, up to you that it remains. (No rant

)

Thanks.

LC.

PzB74 · Post by **PzB74** » Wed Feb 19, 2003 6:41 pm

Spooky · Post by **Spooky** » Thu Feb 20, 2003 1:32 am

Funny ... but the Huguenots are French and they gave to France probably one of her better kings (Henri IV)

So next time please open an history book (if you know what it is ... :rolleyes: ) and check the facts before posting