ORIGINAL: Tankerace
Someone mentioned a TV spot. The commentary would be like playing golf:
Commentator: (almost whispering) Alright. Tankerace is examing his carrier forces. He is trying to decide what to play with. He has four carriers, but he needs to cross the whole Pacific.
Two Hours Late
Commentator: (Almost whispering, and extremely bored) Tankerace has done it. He has decided to commit two of those four carriers to the South Pacific theater. Will the gamble pay off, or has he wasted it all?
Of course, commentary on the combat sequences would sound like John Madden doing Monday Night Football.
....
John Madden: "And in this matchup, we have the Cleveland up against the Akatsuki"
Pat Summerall: "That Akatsuki looks real sharp there today, John. Look at her cut the water! I think the Cleveland is in for a long night."
JM: "Pat, you're senile and don't know a thing! Look this over!" <goes to Telestrator> (fur the furriners, that is a device to create pictures on the TV screen, like an overhead projector...and if you have to ask what that is, then you live in a hut)
"See, the Cleveland has 12 6" rifles and a secondary battery of 5"/25's. She will shred that little purty ship all over the sea!"
PS: <gabbles incoherently>
JM: "OK! Here we go! Cleveland is firing ranging shots from the forward turrets! LONG!...SHORT! THEY GOT THE STRADDLE! YES! The director is taking control of the turrets....the barrels are swinging onto the target....the ready buzzer sounds...<BUZZZZZ....> 2, 1! SALVO! TOT estimated 5 seconds! 3, 2, 1...HIT!! A solid hit to the superstructure...you can see the fire....and smoke!"
PS: "Um, John..."
JM: "Not now, this is getting good! They got the range, going to full cyclic rate of fire now! This should be over in.....<several columns of water erupt against the side of the Cleveland, followed by a massive explosion of the 5" magazine>...What the F&%k!"
PS: "That smoke you saw was the Akatsuki launching a 9 torpedo spread. With a 1 degree offset from that range against a non-evasive ship with the length of the Cleveland, 2 hits were expected. The 3rd would have to have been written up to chance...."
JM: <blubbers something about bad officiating>
PS: "Oh, and if you ever call me senile again, I'll kick your fat a@@ all the way back to your motorhome. And you can take that to the bank." <smiles> "Be sure to tune in next week, when our matchup of the week is Soryu vs. the TM flotilla! Watch these plucky Dutchmen go after the pride of the Kido Butai and her linemen; featuring Kagero and Fubuki, the cagy DD leaders."
JM: "Dem Dutchmen will blow them away! You haven't seen anything like this in your life!"
PS: "Oh, brother!"
